Does it help or hurt your gay/lesbian high school child. . .
@HeresTheScoop (748)
United States
January 26, 2012 11:38am CST
Does it help or hurt your gay/lesbian child (18 yrs old or older) when you tell them that they are not gay/lesbian?
I have a friend whose high school child is gay. Ok, he hasn't come out, yet, but my son (who is gay) and myself have no doubt that he is gay. We would never tell any of his friends or relatives this, because that would just be mean.
My son and I also knew that another one of my friends had a gay son but never said anything because we know it's not our place, and who would believe us anyway?
This young adult has always had feminine qualities (talk, walk, mannerisms). He was in a few female sports in high school. Most all of his friends are girls. And, this is not a gay trait, but he is depressed (he's on meds for that). There have been a couple of times that I witnessed adults and kids ask him or hint around if he is gay, and of course he says that he is not. His parents were near at these times and they gave angry looks to the people who asked and then would pull him aside whispering to him. I can understand why they would do this since he hasn't told them he is gay. But he will never want to open up to them because they have made it clear that they are against it. They are always telling him he isn't gay, and he knows that they would never approve.
I know what you're thinking - My son and I are assuming that he's gay, when in fact, he might not be. This is true. We could be wrong, but we've seen this happen way too many times.
I saw a lot of the 'signs' in my son as he was growing up. It didn't cross my mind that he was gay until he was in high school. That's when I realized that it was a very real possibility. I love my son no matter who he is. Whenever I was with him and another person would hint around or ask him if he was gay, I mirrored his reaction to this person. Do you remember when your young child would look at you to see what your reaction is to something before they reacted? That's what I did. He was becoming a young adult with his own views and truths. I would never take that away from him.
So... in your own opinion do you think it helps or hurts if you tell your gay child that they are not gay?
3 people like this
3 responses
@Robswife2006 (1208)
• United States
26 Jan 12
I am not a parent, but I am an Aunt of 3 nephews & 2 nieces so I can only tell you what I would do if I were in that situation. I come from a very religious family & all of us were raised to believe in & put our faith in God & the bible. Both are very clear on whether it's right to be gay or not. The Bible does not sugar coat God's thoughts on this matter. Speaking for my sister & myself I know that we would never approve of anyone in our family being gay. That being said we would speak to the child/teenager in question & ask them why they think that they are gay & really listen to what they have to say. If they can't fight these feelings that they are having, then(although we would try not to judge them or cut them out of our lives completely)they would have to understand that when making the choice to give in to such feelings they would have to realize that they will be losing something in return. All of us who sin(and we are all sinners in one way or another)know this to be true because when we do sin there is always a cost that we have to pay. So I would ask that they really think about the choices they want to make in their lives & also remind them that whatever sacrifices we make now God will most definitely reward us for in the end.
@Robswife2006 (1208)
• United States
26 Jan 12
@ 3honor: I would like to see the scripture or scriptures you've read where Jesus says it's okay to be gay. I've never read such scriptures before & I was raised as a christian always reading the Bible. I am not here to argue as I thought it was okay for us to each give our opinion or what we would do in a said situation. I'm not at all sorry if what I would do is not the same as what you would do. i stand for what I believe in.
@HerestheScoop I asked that very same question of an Elder from my old congregation once & this is what he said to me: He said yes there are some who have admitted to being gay & since they know God's thoughts on this(not man's but God's)they have chosen to lead a life of celibacy instead of sinning against God.
I can't understand why so many people would find this to be wrong or even cruel when Priests choose to live this life all the time. No one forces them to make this choice. They make this choice on their own because they have faith in God & want to please their Father. They also know that God will not forget them & will in fact reward them in the end.
1 person likes this
@Robswife2006 (1208)
• United States
26 Jan 12
Oh I agree w/ you on that. It's not okay & they know it's not okay. My heart goes out to those children who have their childhood taken away by someone they are supposed to trust. It makes me sick every time I hear something like that.
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
26 Jan 12
I forgot to mention that one of the son's (who is now in college) has come out to his parents. They are not very happy!
1 person likes this
@shaggin (71663)
• United States
26 Jan 12
If one of my kids acted gay I might be suspicious but I would never tell them they are gay. I want my kids to know that I am accepting of whatever they choose someday though and if they do wind up gay I wont be upset. I think calling them gay when they havent come out is wrong and will be upsetting for our kids. If my child told me they were gay I would never say they werent and try to pretend they werent. I will accept whatever they choose.
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
26 Jan 12
Thank you for your comment, shaggin! I agree.
You are going to be a very understanding mom - if you're not a mom already :)
@shaggin (71663)
• United States
26 Jan 12
Aww thank you so much. I am a mother of two children. My daughter is 7 and my son is 4. I am a widow so I raise them alone. I dont see either of my kids acting gay but you never know when they grow up what they will choose. I will always be open to whatever makes them happy.
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
26 Jan 12
Great!!
If it turns out that one of them is gay, just be prepared to be judged. I stand with my son, but have had to be tolerant of others' views on this subject (when I really wanted to slap them in the face and say "this is reality, get over it!!").
I commend you for being a single mom and I wish you all the best in raising your children!
1 person likes this
@Triple0 (1904)
• Australia
27 Jan 12
This is pretty tough as some parents don't want their child to be gay and may keep in denying their child's sexuality. It's pretty much the modern world now, homosexuality is widely acceptable and people don't mind anymore compared to the olden days. Maybe his parents are insecure? They don't want their song to be gay so they'll just keep denying and their poor kid is going to grow up living a lie just to meet his parent's expectations. It's just going to hurt him more and it probably scares him to come out as his parents are like that. If I had a kid and someone hinted or asked if my kid was gay, I would be like "Only time will tell". Sexuality is something a child may take time to discover and I'll accept them no matter what. So to answer your question, I reckon it will hurt them because what if they are gay and you're just denying them. 
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
28 Jan 12
I think his parents fear for him. But that's just normal. They still need to let him be himself. If he doesn't want people to know, that's fine. If does want people to know, then that's fine also. He's growing into a man and I would think that his parents would want him to be confident in and love himself for who he is.
