Saying no to other people

Philippines
March 2, 2012 7:33pm CST
We've all encountered our family, friends, and other loved ones asking favors from us. Sometimes, these favors are really big favors and cause inconvenience on our part. Yet, we feel obliged to do them because it is our loved ones who are asking for help. Of course, we can't just agree to everything they ask for. I admit I have difficulty saying no, especially to family members. Perhaps it is how I was raised. I was taught about the importance of family, that we need to help each other. Sometimes though, I don't feel like doing their favors. I've seen my parents being nice to other people, sometimes, I think their kindness are being taken for granted. I don't want to be taken for granted. But I need to learn how to say no in a nice way. How about you, do you have difficulty saying no? If you don't feel like doing favors for other people, how do you refuse them?
3 people like this
14 responses
• China
3 Mar 12
Upon you discussion,I sense that you are a sensitive one,at least more than me ! Maybe the way handdling things like that is the permanent difference between male and female.AS a man ,at least now,i do everything that i can for my love ones ,from which i can get satisfied.I am the oldest brother in the family so I have more obligations to support my family.AS you are being oleder ,you will understand your loved ones are the reason for your exist--at least in my culture!
3 people like this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Yes, it is also true in my culture. That is why I am raised this way. However, I see myself as too sensitive. Some people ask too much favors from me as a result of my helpfulness, and I know too much of anything is never a good thing.
1 person likes this
@lilaclady (28207)
• Australia
3 Mar 12
I am one of those people who seem to find it very difficult to say "no" I think they call people like us" pleasers ", It is hard for some people to say "no" and that is not a bad thing but it is sad that there are people who will take advantage of.
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Yes, it might be because we're "pleasers," that's why we have difficulty saying no. We hate to hurt our loved one feelings and so we would rather do them favors despite of our inconvenience.
1 person likes this
@asyria51 (2861)
• United States
3 Mar 12
I am slowly learning to say no to people. I have found that my own family it is a little easier because they know me better. they know that i will not say no unless I am completely swamped with other things.
2 people like this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Yes, it is in fact easier to say no to close family members because they know us better. Some people are quite persistent when asking for help.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
3 Mar 12
I'm afraid the older I get, the easier it is to say no. The more often you say yes, the more people ask you to do. I try to address real needs, and will say yes when something is really needed -- not just wanted. And I think helping family and close friends is more important than helping acquaintances . I'm much more likely to take someone to a medical appointment if they don't have a ride than to go out to lunch when I don't have time to.
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Hi bagarad. I agree with you. If the favor is really important, I wouldn't complain at all. There are just too many people who likes to request for anything. I try to avoid these people as much as I can. That is an interesting trend (about saying no easier as you get older) you've pointed out.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
I've also noticed that, that the older the family member is the easier they can say no. Maybe because it's usually the younger ones that are asked to do the favors? :)
2 people like this
@jhuddith (222)
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Before, I really have difficulty saying no to favors. But as time goes by I've learned to teach myself in saying no to some. As long as you are willing and happy to help, then say yes to the requests. The moment you started having the feeling that everyone feels you are readily available or that no one recognizes the favors that you do, then I think it's time to say no. You may need to take a break from doing favors and focus more on yourself now. You may start saying yes again when you are ready.
2 people like this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
I am afraid that people would take my kindness for granted, and not see the time and effort I've put into helping them. It's nice to help people who are always thankful. A sincere thank you is priceless. Yet, I don't want to focus too much energy on those requests and forget about myself.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Mar 12
i understand where you are coming from 100%. i have the problem of saying "no" to family and even to my friends. my grandma is sick and i dont know how long she will be around. it seems that i am the only one that will do anything for her but i have a family of my own (a husband and 2 kids). dont take this wrong i long my grandma and when the time does come i will go thro life saying "i am so glad i did all of that and we had plenty of time to spend together" and when shes gone i will miss doing all this for her but i feel like i am not there for the family i do have now. i am rarely home and it gets very stressful and hard to even do the daily tasks around my house. there are many times i do not feel like going over there and i rarely say no so i guess i am not much help but the few times that i have i hate to say it i had to lie and tell them i made plans with an old friend or somethinglike that. i hate to lie to them but sometimes it gets to b to much when you dont have ne time for yourself...not to mention i dnt sleep much at night ne more..
2 people like this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
That's a difficult situation. My mom is like that too. Her relatives as too many things from her. She had to make up some excuses because she couldn't say no. It's sad when people keep asking favors without seeing your difficulties. I believe that your kindness will bring good rewards to you.
1 person likes this
@Archaiwy (599)
• China
4 Mar 12
Saying no to other people is right .As one can't do anything to other people .the reason for it maybe he is busy or he has some difficult .Others should not be so hard on him.On the other hand, saying no to others is difficult in a way.Maybe the person turning to you is in a very desperate situation.he has no choice but to ask for your help.In that case we should try our best to help him no matter whether it is successful.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
If the person is in desperate situation, and I have the power to help him/her, I'd be glad to give a hand. Not all people who ask favors are desperate though.
1 person likes this
@fantabulus (4000)
• India
25 Aug 12
Very difficult to say no specially to our family or close friends even I not like but cant say no. But some time this is important then no problem to say no. I can tell them no for any work if not possible for me.
• Philippines
1 Sep 12
Yes it's very difficult to refuse to help when it comes to family members and close friends. But if we can't do it, they should also understand that.
@telmesh (1793)
5 Mar 12
I have in the past really put myself out to help others in the family, but today at 64 I will do what is not to difficult but if it means putting myself out I make it clear that I have done so. Also I will help others who find life difficult or those who put their-self out for me. For the latter there will always be reward in some way or other usually finding that direct cash is usually refused. No is a difficult word and I agree it is upbringing that makes it difficult.
1 person likes this
@telmesh (1793)
5 Mar 12
Oh dear we agree, where do we go from here, there does not seem to be anywhere to progress. Never mind I will have to find another way to help, in another conversation maybe.
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
I agree with you. If a person who is asking for help is someone who had helped me before, I'd be gladly returning the favor with no hesitation at all. Upbringing indeed has made it difficult for me to say no.
1 person likes this
@deodavid (4150)
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Hi there seriousnuts, I try to avoid conflicts early on so i just say no, because knowing myself if i really cant do the job i wont do it, and that would be wrong fro the other person because they might have trouble having it done if i said i cant do it late so better just say it, anyway most of the time the errands they give me are small.
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Hi deodavid, you are right. Saying no right away if you know you can't do it is better than saying no at the last minute. Giving people false reassurance would make things worse.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Hi seriousnuts, I've also felt that way that it's difficult to say no specially when it's your parents who started to give favors to your relatives. Sometimes those favors cause conflicts because others will see it as favoritism. For those you helped they most often don't give back the favor even if you're asking something they can easily do. A good example of this is my relative who always borrows almost anything like rubber shoes, travelling bag, necktie, and even money for a payment for their motorbike. Aside from that particular family, my mom also had other siblings who ask favors from my mother which I think should be less often. It's nice to be dependable but it really sounds ridiculous that they can't find any other person who they can ask these favors. Through the years that I saw my mom giving in to their requests I found that saying no wouldn't mean you're being selfish. From time to time I do give them a favor but whenever it's something I know they are capable of doing it themselves or they can ask it from someone else I simply say no and say that I'm busy. I don't need to explain more than they should know because it's not always ok that you let them make use of your time and effort. Helping is good but it's better to help those who are really in need and have no other means of getting help.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Hi giggles721. You are so right. Saying no isn't selfishness. Some people just ask too many favors, most of which are things that they are capable of doing anyway. I hope I could get better at saying no because being taken for granted is the last thing I want to happen to me.
@dazzledlady (1618)
• Philippines
3 Mar 12
Sometimes yes i find it difficult to say no especially to the people I care about. But sometimes its better to say no than give them false assurance. Because you might not be able to meet the demands.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
You are right. If I keep saying yes without making sure if I could meet the demands, then it would only give them false assurance. Saying no, or that not giving any promises, would make things clearer.
1 person likes this
• Indonesia
3 Mar 12
yap, it's difficult to say "no". as for me, when that happen i just say "i can't promise you to do it, but i'll try"
• Philippines
5 Mar 12
Same with me. It seems that I can't get myself to say a flat "no" to the person who is asking a favor. I always say "I'm not sure but I'll try."
1 person likes this
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
29 Apr 12
I do a lot of weighing before I say Yes or No, especially when its about money matters. Earning money is not easy nowadays, and before you could help others, you have to make sure you have enough for yourself. They should understand that. Also, instead of saying No, you can help them by directing them to a different solution. For example, if they want to borrow money, and you don't have enough to spare, you can refer them to a friend or another family member, or give them an idea on how they can get the money they need.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 Sep 12
It's sad how relationships with family members or relatives could go bad due to money matters. I agree that you should check first if you have enough money before lending to others.