Have you ever snooped on your teen and not liked what you found?
By katsmeow1213
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
United States
March 25, 2012 3:02pm CST
I've been pretty good about giving my teenage son his privacy. He has his own Facebook, and although I have his password and told him I may check in on him from time to time, I'd never actually done it before until today.
My reason for doing it today was to ensure he had not gotten a friend request from someone who was a part of my past, because I got a friend request from that person this morning and to avoid drama I wanted to go in and delete the request before my son saw it, if it was there, but it wasn't. I also clicked on messages on my son's page just to make sure this person from my past hadn't sent him a message, and thankfully he hadn't.
However, when I clicked on the messages, there was one to a girl that caught my eye. Curiosity got the better of me and I ended up reading it.
What I found was a bunch of lies from my son!
Most of them weren't a big deal, and they all happened awhile ago. Some of them were things like he was going to California for the summer, and I have no idea why he'd say that. He also told her at one point that he was moving, but this was quite awhile before we considered moving. He made her think he was moving out of town, but we never considered moving out of this school district.
Other lies were a lot more serious, and could have gotten people in trouble.
Like I said, these were all a few months ago, and the more recent messages to this particular girl were mainly about school and other girls my son likes, but I am concerned and shocked about the lying and the things he told her. I don't know if I should talk to him about it or not. He might get mad that I invaded his privacy, but the lies he told this girl really have me wondering why he'd say such things. I also wonder if he mentioned these types of things to other people.
Have you ever snooped on your child and found something that bothered you? What did you do about it?
1 person likes this
9 responses
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
• Netherlands
25 Mar 12
No I never did and I never will. I respect their privacy and they have to respect mine. Also there is no reason and never was one either. We are very open, share everything and also I have the password of my kids (even the grown ups) and they have mine.
2 people like this
@TrvlArrngr (4044)
• United States
26 Mar 12
I have done it with both kids. I remember finding a secret myspace that my 14 year old daughter set up. She had photos of herself in a bikini adn saying she was 16 years old. I dragged her in to the computer and made her delete it and we went through internet safety and what you can and cant do online.
When my son was 15 and 16 I found hateful things that he posted about me and his sister. He liked to exaggerate to get sympathy from his friends. I went in and changed the password to a secret one and he had to earn it back.
We never had computers growing up so these issues didnt affect us. Today kids are surrounded by technology and the internet opens up a whole huge world to them. We need to teach them internet safety and make sure they realize that what they post - others can see. Colleges, employers, relatives - all can see posts. That can affect you later on in life.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6430)
• Canada
26 Mar 12
My son is too young to have his own accounts, but I would be honest about what I found and my concerns about it. (Mostly because I don't think I could prevent myself from saying anything).
I can see that it's going to be difficult to determine how much privacy and independence my children get, but I think I'd rather know about these things because I can try to guide them. The thing is that the internet isn't private. You can say that your children deserve privacy, but once they post something on the internet or send it in an email, they can no longer control what happens to it, and so the computer isn't private.
(On that note, his room will be private. Unless he gives me a reason not to trust him).
1 person likes this
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
25 Mar 12
Instead of going into his account, and going behind his back, I would have told him the name of the person, and said that they are a person with whom I don't want the family in contact, and for the sake of the peace, please do not befriend this person. Sadly now, if you want to get to the bottom of things, you are going to have to explain your motive for going in, and that curiosity got the best of you. Thiscould have all been avioded if you'd been honest with him from the start.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
25 Mar 12
I did say I went in to avoid drama. If I tell him that I don't want him befriending this person he'll wonder why, which will cause drama my family doesn't need.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
26 Mar 12
oh yes. these days i really try and stay out of their business because they are grown, but its just about as hard these days. i think its a mothers concern and our protective instinct. 
once when my daughter was 14yrs and across the court at this pool there for the apartments use. i went there to tell her it was time to come eat dinner and she didnt see me walk up and i heard some very foul language coming out of her mouth and when i got her home she new she was in trouble. i told her a decent lady dont talk like that.
ive gotten more lax over time realising i cant control everything they do. although i try. lol. @wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
26 Mar 12
Children learn what they live. If you sneak around, snoop, omit things (such as about the person from your past), don't be surprised that your son isn't the most honest person.
If you want to have a child who is open and honest, you need to be open and honest with him. You need to sit down and address these issues. Apologize for invading his privacy; explain why you did so, and address what you saw when you did so. Then, try to keep your family on the path you wish for the entire family to follow.
1 person likes this
@GreenMoo (11833)
•
26 Mar 12
I´m really pleased to say I´ve not been in this difficult position before. I´ve checked my son´s mobile phone messages and email accounts before, but thankfully not found anything to cause alarm. The few times I´ve come across something I´m not happy about in his room I´ve just been pretty straight and said I found this and this is why I´m not happy. I´ve avoided the issue of why I felt it necessary to look in the first place, and I think he´s accepted that it´s because I´m his parent and until he´s of an age to lookout for himself it´s my job to do it for him.
If your son knows you have his facebook password then surely he must know it´s a possibility that you´ll look. I think it´s reasonable then to discuss the messages that you found. On the other hand, explaining why you felt it necessary to look is going to involve explaining why you felt the need to do it right now, and if you´re not wanting to bring up this potential friend request then perhaps it would be better to lay low for just now.
Difficult!
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
26 Mar 12
I tried to find a round about way of getting him to talk to me, but that didn't work, so I ended up having to be honest with him. He said he only said those things to get her attention and make her feel bad.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
31 Mar 12
Children and teenagers today are a lot different than they were when you and I were that age and I personally think that means that they need more parental guidance than we did as teenagers. For that reason, I think that there are times that we will end up snooping on our children and I guarantee that we will all eventually uncover something that we don't like.
The disadvantage to snooping on our children is that they will lose some of their trust in us if we confront them with what we have discovered. That is the reason that I believe we really need to tread carefully with those discussions which we wish to confront our children with.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Mar 12
Well you know.. when I was a teen I did something not so good.. and I went home and wrote a "story" about it. It wasn't a diary, it was a story just to keep it fresh in my memory. My mom snooped through my stuff and found it, and did not give me a chance to defend myself (I would have lied anyway and said the story was all made up) and she kicked me out.
I asked my son about the lies he told the girl, he said he did it to get her attention. I told him that some of the lies he told were serious that could get people in trouble, and that he shouldn't do such things unless it's serious, and I also had a talk with him about coming to me when serious things like that happen.
He didn't seem mad.
@bounce58 (17380)
• Canada
31 Mar 12
This is a tough one!
As much as I want to know everything about my kids, I would also like to show them that I respect their privacy.
My 11-year old son has a facebook account which I also know the password. I know that he just uses it to play the games (as I get the notifications/invites from him all the time), but when the day comes when he really starts using FB for social networking, I would be hard pressed to control myself and not snoop around.
So, what did you do about it?
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
31 Mar 12
Naturally, I asked him about it, because the important thing was to ensure that it was a lie and not truth.. if it were truth I"d have a serious problem on my hands that I'd need to deal with (one of the lies was that he was being abused). He admitted it was a lie to get attention from the girl.
