If you had a friend like this, will you get annoyed?
March 29, 2012 6:57am CST
I have a friend and i noticed that she tells almost everything that we talk about to her boyfriend, since she's very talkative. I'm not really mad at her, but i feel that my privacy is being compromised, coz aside from her telling her bf my life story (although it's done in a non-malicious way), she also makes him read my text messages, the interesting ones where i'm usually telling a story about anything, like swooning over a new crush or any topic under the sun. She told me her bf's comment to my messages. I also do have some juicy and interesting secrets, and i'm guessing that she told him that stuff as well. Now i don't mind if she discusses these things with our other friends who are also aware of the story, whether confidential or not, since i'm also comfortable telling it to them so it's ok, and also since we are in the same group and i didn't specifically tell her to keep it a secret. But to tell that to someone who isn't my friend and who is a stranger who only knows me by face and name, i'm not really cool with it. Now her bf even knows where i live. Too much info for a stranger. Now if you were in my shoes, are you cool with this treatment? I just don't feel like being scrutinized. Do you have a friend that's also like this? Please do share your input and experiences. Did you get annoyed or what? Did you confront him/her? I dunno if i should tell her to stop, since i think i really have no control over what she wants to say. And if ever i call it to her attention, i'm afraid that it will start a mentality wherein she'd think that 'ok she's forbidding me, so the more i'll do it', like in the bible when eve ate the apple being offered to her by the snake.
29 Mar 12
Yeah that's what i've been doing for quite sometime now. I'd love to tell her what i think, but knowing her, there's a 50% chance that she'll lie to hide her mistakes. She always does that. She may admit her fault, but lying her way out of it is more probable. Too bad, since we get along quite well.
31 Mar 12
Ah her lies are those that i call 'tolerable lies'. And she's a nice person in general, as compared to the other people that call me up on the phone to chat, some can be outright in backstabbing and making fun of people. Others just lie alot about themselves and their achievements, and making up nasty stories about other people. Those kind of people are the ones that i can't tolerate at all.
• United States
29 Mar 12
If you want an honest answer, here goes. I tend to be very direct, and would tell her, "Look, this information I share with you is between you and me - not you, me, and your boyfriend. If you want to share something I tell you with him, could you please ask me first if I'd mind?" Something along those lines. If she gives some sort of reply like she and he share EVERYTHING you could do one of several things. Either say in that case, they can share you and you'll start calling and texting him and be his good friend, too, and tell him everything she tells you....OR - you could say, honestly - that is fine for every other area of her life except where you are concerned. If you tell someone you are not comfortable with something, and it's brushed aside, that is very inconsiderate of the person. That person is not a friend. A friend would take your feelings in to account. She can't undo what she has already done, which you could acknowledge, but you can let her know it stops here and now. And if she continues with her behavior, you are dropping the friendship. You could also ask her how she would feel if you repeated every intimate thing she told you to your boyfriend (whether or not you have one is not relevant). If she says she's cool with that, tell her you are not. If she won't stop after your request, as I said, she is not a real friend. A real friend is considerate of a friend's feelings. You don't owe her a reason, other then to say you are not comfortable with it. And you will let her know what you are comfortable with her sharing with her boyfriend. That way - you aren't telling her not to say anything - but rather, to limit what she shares to what you don't mind her sharing. You don't want personal details revealed, obviously, but if she tells him you two had lunch together or something like that, that might be okay. It's really up to you how far you want to go with this. But that is what I would do.
29 Mar 12
Thanks for your response, i agree with what you said. I don't mind her telling him our funny conversations, jokes, ideas and casual stuff, but the things that she clearly knows i mind sharing she also told him. She's inconsistent too with what she tells me regarding what he knows and doesn't know. We've been friends for 12 years now since we were teens, and she's also a neighbor, so avoiding her won't be so easy, that's why i just let things slide. Add to that, she also tells to her parents my life story! So i've come to the conclusion that if a person is talkative and close to his/her parents then rest assured that she'll blab about you. Anyway, i'll be looking for the right timing to mention to her that i'm uncomfortable with what she's doing. I don't plan to befriend her bf anyway, that's too weird for me. But even if she does say that she would refrain from doing it, i don't think i can trust her again though. She likes to gossip. She even told me before that she must have someone to talk to when her mind is idle or she'd lose her mind! Uh-oh. Just gotta be wary now with what i tell her.
• United States
29 Mar 12
Yes, you do. The way I see it, if a friend blabs to me about other people, including personal stuff, then I know they are talking about me, too. And once you tell her you are uncomfortable with the private conversations being repeated, whether to her boyfriend or her parents, it's time then to not share anything personal you don't want told to others I've had friends longer than that amount of time who I have walked away from when things like that get out of hand. Even neighbors. I remain polite, but stop sharing. And when they've asked why, I've told them. That is what is so great about places like this - you can share things, without worrying they will come back and bite you in the you know what!
31 Mar 12
Oh it's a good thing that they didn't become bitter after you told them the reason why you avoided them. Some people get mad and offended, and start to wage a 'hate campaign' against you, lol. And yeah, i should just stop sharing too personal stuff then. You know what, she asked me before if ever my major crush and i end up as a couple, and he starts to share secrets with me, will i tell it to her? I said 'no'. Then she told me she felt jealous as to why i won't share it to her, coz she's my best friend. And then to please her i changed my answer, i told her, 'since you guys don't talk at all to each other, then i guess maybe i will. There's no harm in it i guess, since you probably won't say it to anyone'. She said 'yeah', but i was really just saying that to please her. At the back of my mind, i'm thinking that, 'this girl is really into other people's lives'. She felt jealous that i initially intend to keep things from her, considering we're very close. So i think it's really in her nature to blab. And it can't be changed, unfortunately.
• United States
1 Apr 12
Well I don't know if I would be friends much longer with people who cannot keep a secret. Or very least, not say anything that I would never want to get spread around to anyone else. Of course, that is just a good practice, to never say anything that I don't really want anyone to really say. Secrets are only kept by two people if one is mute. Of course, really secrets are just something that are utterly tempted to tell. When someone tries to tell me a secret, I shush them. I shouldn't really be told with them, for their own good. It is just something that there are tantalizing bits, juicy, right on my lips and I'm so tempted. It is a temptation to really say a lot of things. Hence why I don't tell others.
7 Apr 12
I like what you said, that 'secrets can only be kept if one is mute', lol! That is so true. But sometimes people need to vent, and that's when they risk their secret being told to others. But i think i can be trusted to keep secrets though, thank god, lol. If ever i do tell other people, i don't name their identity and i tell it to someone outside our group, especially if the story is interesting or has a moral lesson.
• South Africa
6 May 12
A good analogy about the snake; watch out. God warned Eve. Eve didn't listen. As for the whole gossipy saga, women often tell their secrets to their mates because in the woman's euphoria she is not thinking with her head, and thinks if she tells him her secrets that they will be closer. They want to test the man, they want to hear words of love and making him a confidante in the mistaken belief that the knowledge of secrets bind people together. As for the girlfriend who shows the pictures of you and someone else, she is looking to take your man. Watch out. She is the snake. Keep your boyfriend news private by not talking about him, and tell your friend to take a hike.
23 May 12
So you mean for example, if a girl shows pictures of me and someone else to my bf, she is looking to steal my bf? Ah ,you mean she wants my bf to believe that i have another dude besides him, am i getting it right? Anyway, sharing secrets can definitely strengthen a bond between 2 people, but we all know that it's risky since one or both might be tempted to tell it to other people. So we just better keep our mouth shut regarding private matters. But you know what, if a person could be possibly interested in the person that i like, i tend to keep it to myself nowadays.