A married man declared his love for me
By rosegardens
@rosegardens (3034)
United States
May 27, 2012 3:00am CST
I have been a friend to a man for about a year. He is married and almost 20 years my senior. Since he got sick, his wife doesn't pay much attention to him. He used to drink alot but since he has developed health issues related to drinking, he does not drink like he used to, but she still does. It is nice to have intelligent conversation with someone.
The other night he called me and told me he is falling for me hard. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. I am not looking for a romance with this man. After all he is married and I just want a platonic friendship. He came over today and dropped off a necessity, and asked if he could call me sometime this week. I said it's not a good idea; you are married. Did I upset you with what I told you the other night? Yes, you did I responded. You are married, and I'm not looking for anyone most especially someone elses husband. He seemed very hurt by this. Now I'm thinking o, well you should not have allowed yourself these thoughts.
Now I am uncomfortable to be around him. We usually meet on Sundays at a local restaurant where I pass out my Avon books. We have been going out to eat on Fridays, and he does want to see me on Friday. His wife doesn't go with him anywhere, so I have felt badly for him. I think he needs a good male friend instead of me. I just do not know how to break this off. I feel very wrong, even though I am not the one doing anything wrong in the least.
What should I do about this? Is it ok to still see him occasionally or just stop this altogether? What would you do in this situation?
1 person likes this
12 responses
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
27 May 12
I'm thinking he should very well know by now my feelings, since many times in the past I have spoken with him regarding my thoughts on pre-marital relations, affairs, dating men who have had multiple bed partners, etc. I was a bit shocked that he would even tell me something like that knowing I am very conservative. If he does not know how I feel towards this situation, it is not because I have not communicated it clearly and several times, it is because he does not want to hear the truth.
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
Perhaps that can work. He already knows how upset I am that he said what he did to me, and I had to look him in the eye and tell him so. I should not be so concerned of his feelings in this matter, because he is treading dangerous ground in his mind at least.
@toniganzon (72279)
• Philippines
28 May 12
If it were me i would stop it all together. I just think that the more i see him and be friendly towards him, the more he will come on to me.
You made your point pretty clear and if he has fallen hard for you i don't think that he would be satisfied with just platonic relationship. He would always long for me. And if you continue to get close to him, he would not stop feeling the way he feels for you.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
I think you have something there. Sometimes people cannot understand what it is you want because they are so much different. I find that people who do not think like me, think I think like they do. I guess the best way out of this is just not share anything about myself with him. I have been very scarce about that anyway, and that has only made him curious. From now on I will offer no personal information, except to share my faith and how I feel about the things going on around me. One would think that would sober anyone up, but I am still shocked at how bold people are and how they either don't pay attention to my thoughts and feelings regarding things that are obviously very important to me (such as not wanting an affair, going the opposite direction of heaven by committing a mortal sin, etc)
To put it very bluntly, why on Earth are people so thick headed?
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
28 May 12
That is quite sad as your friendship was received in a different way but you cannot blame him as he is someone who needs love and care and you were able to give it to him while his wife neglected him.
You can either be frank about it or just continue with your life ignoring him. You can be frank and tell him that you can only offer friendship and nothing else and hope he won't expect other things from you while at the same time offering advice to revive his love for his wife. You can be honest with what you feel and continue being friends with him. but if you do not feel comfortable you can stop seeing him too. it is still your choice.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
I do try to talk to him about his wife and why they got married, hoping to spark something between them. I hate divorce for silly reasons such as no communication between the couple, they fell out of love, etc. To hear him tell it, it is his wife that has no interest in communication or being with him. She likes to party and he cannot do that any longer.
I have been frank, I don't know that you read the entire post I made.
@rog0322 (2829)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
28 May 12
Hi rose,
You should search yourself: what could be the reason why he fell for you? Maybe its your actions towards him that make it so, or maybe he is just lonely being estranged from his wife, or maybe he is just out for a good time.
Anyway it goes, you may be on the wrong end of the relationship and may get involved in a complicated affair. If you want to go complicated then, go for it, if you want simple, then stay at home and find somebody more suitable.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
I can tell you did not read my post all the way through. There is no reason for alarm regarding my actions. I would never have an affair with someone who is even dating let alone being married. A relationship is sacred to me, and I will not poison it.
As for asking me what I did--that is quite forward considering you do not know me, and honestly that has been accused to me before and I know I did not do anything. My dress and speech are modest, I do nothing to lure unwanted attention towards myself. Learn not to accuse people, especially a woman--many women have been harmed by men with no intention of that happening, and when someone says it was your fault, what did you do--it only causes more anguish for the woman.
Simply being a woman is my great fault. And since I am created by God, He made me the way I am then I should not be shamed for being who I am. Excuse me that I am not a man, and you need to take that up with the Almighty. I had nothing to do with how I was formed in the womb.
The very idea of accusing me as though I had anything to do with this. It is his sin pure and simple. Can you believe a man can do this of his own accord with no help from the woman?
@Faith1118 (112)
• Philippines
28 May 12
I depends, you know I am a pro family kinda person, but I would suggest that if he really need a friend that you will be there for him but not necessarily the way he would like it to be just pure friendship...you khow what there are really people like him that is really unfortunate of marrying I would say the wrong girl or having to buy a wrong pair of shoes...which means they does not fit in, any way meet him up and tell him straight that you would like to keep the friendship but other than that you cannot entertain anymore, if he cant accept then you are more than happy to let go of the friendship that you have altogether it is sad but I think he does not love just want to have somebody to talk to and be with...extend friendship that is the best solution.
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
I am very pro-family as well, and would never stand between a couple, even if they were not married. I did tell him not to call me anymore. To tell the truth I was getting a bit irritated with the phonecalls--they were innocent enough, but even so he is calling me when his wife isn't around or when she is busy entertaining people upstairs and he used the phone in the basement. That is weird and in my mind is very wrong, but then I can understand why--he doesn't want her to divorce him because it costs too much money. Well, my goodness what about the cost to his soul to entertain thoughts of another woman. I just hate that. I never should have given permission to call me, but it started out as just a call to ask if I was going to the restaurant the following day. Then it became a few times a week. Most of the time I don't answer the phone when he calls.
If he can be friends, that is great, but there is that little trouble that he has caused himself and that is to think about me when he should not be. I don't know if he can be friends with me. Certainly I can with him, that is no trouble for me whatsoever--but what position is he putting himself in?
@jeric1519 (5)
• Philippines
28 May 12
continue the friendship but surely that wont be easy. for sure there would be a barrier around you two. awkward moment when you go see each other. technically that would be the case since you said you dont want it but incase there is this something that longing you for him and makes you feel more comfortable then you should stop seeing each other and make a distance
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
you are correct about the barrier being between us, because certainly I am turned off by his actions and desires and I do not have respect for him since he has told me he would have an affair with me if I were willing. He has told me since he is older and has the health issues his libido is down so I feel a bit safer around him.
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
that is very sound and good advice. I will have to go about it slowly, because it would make things very uncomfortable in the local eaterie and I do not want that.
@lampar (7584)
• United States
27 May 12
I can not understand why you even care about he is hurt by your response after you told him you are not interested in his sweet love pledge. If he doesn't want to back off from his shameless demand and insist you treat him as your lover just becasue he is falling in love with you, then you should tell him to fu*k off and avoid any contact with him anymore in the future, with a slime like him, you just can't remain friendly to him, what you suppose to do is tell him straight up front if he continue to behave like this, the friendship is end and warn him not to harass you anymore. You don't have to be polite to a slime like him nor even consider him as a friend anymore, count yourself fortunate if you can get away from him if you happen to be successful, usually slime like that is hard to dispose off, good luck to you! 
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
Certainly you have a point, and if he were a young handsome man I would have some cause for alarm. As you say, some men like that are very hard to get rid of once they have found the object of their desire. Since he is older than me, and is concerned about his wife finding out about me, the 'other' woman, I do have some leverage. I can tell his wife if he is a problem, and that is something he certainly does not want.
@hsofyan (3446)
• Jakarta, Indonesia
27 May 12
You've expressed attitudes. So, stay friends as usual, unless he decides friendship. Maybe he needs to see you together with your spouse.
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
I myself have never been married, and have sworn off looking for a groom, so I do not have a man to defend me. Certainly if I had a husband he would not have been so bold as to say that. Though I do wonder now, since you both have brought it up, if I did have a husband, would he even go out of his way to visit and to go eat with me? Now that is an interesting question, and the answer could speak volumes of his true intent and character. Though I shall never know the truth because if I did ask him, would he tell me?
@sayo13 (414)
• India
27 May 12
If you ask me about my advice i can say that you should stop any kind of contact with him.
if you are really uncomfortable with the idea of being in touch with a married man who have developed soft feelings for you, as you have mentioned then what is the necessity to be in touch with him anyway?
Moreover by meeting him occasionally you are making his feelings towards you more intense and strong.
By any means you cannot stop him to feel this way towards you , at least you can stop yourself from any sort of move that might make him think that he have still chances of getting you as his lover.
Or you can strictly make him understand the way you see him and nothing more he can expect out of your friendship.by doing this he may get more hurt but at least he will not be in any wrong expectation from you.I think you the better one to decide what should be done and what should not.I can only suggest you something.
1 person likes this
@YadaYada717 (7)
• United States
27 May 12
I think you would be best to continue to keep your distance from him and stop seeing him altogether!!! He's married as you stated, and although you are or were enjoying a platonic relationship with him, if his wife is not aware of you then you're entering a grey area that could easily with the slightest action cross the line.
I think we all know how hard doing the right thing can be. It sounds as if you are genuinely caring about him and his needs, though you can't neglect your own needs. It seems that he needs to tidy up things with his wife. Perhaps if he cares about you and his wife, he'll declare his love for you to her. Otherwise hopefully he cares and respects you enough to take a hint and bow out gracefully.
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@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
28 May 12
even if he did tell his wife about me, the point is moot because I would never consider a man who left his wife for another woman, even if I am the other woman. I value the institution of marriage too highly to cheapen it.
You are very correct about the grey area--if I thought for a moment I could fall for him, I certainly would not have seen him so often outside of the local place where we met and where I do my business. Yet I cannot control how he feels about me, and to tell the truth I am a bit angry with him for even considering such a thing with anyone, and least of all me. I am no saint, but I am not that kind of a sinner either.
@mswhona14 (49)
• Philippines
27 May 12
if i'm in your case, i think it is better to stop seeing him..for him to realize what you have said and to prevent him to fall for you deeper, and for you to prevent falling for him since he's emotionally attached to you already..and i think it would be better if you advice him to see a counselor that would help him restore his relationship with his wife..that's just what i thought..
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
27 May 12
There is no danger whatsoever of me falling for him, so I am out of the woods. But, you are correct since I am the source of temptation that perhaps I should be much more scarce to him to prevent him from developing thoughts and even perhaps actions in the future that would be quite unwelcomed by me.
I have advised counseling for them, but he has said she won't do it. He is willing, but he can't go by himself for a marital situation. Though I think since he has developed feelings for me, or for any woman that is not his wife, and since he would be more than willing to have an affair, he does need to seek counseling. He needs spiritual counseling more than anything.
One thing I do not understand--he knows full well I would never, ever consider having an affair with a married man, and I have stated before that I am not interested in any man that has had several partners, yet he said this to me. What is the point?
