why me???

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ok so i have been with my fiance Ryan for like ever now, we are getting married in september of this year. when i was in middle school and transfered to a new school there was this guy we will call him Jay, 3 years older then me and totally gorgous, he was the first person to talk to me. he became my best friend and we were friends for 4 years. i was head over heals in love with him and he always told me he loved me too. he promised me that one day we would be together, someday after i turned 18. we always promised eachother that we would only marry each other. kinda silly now that i look back on it. my father hated him so i would always sneak out of the house to go see him and come up with some crazy excuse to why i was so late getting back to the house (i was alowed 3 15 minute walks a day) anyway me and Jay were inseperable, one of my teachers mr. shack used to tell me not to talk to him but i still did, when Jay asked me out i turned him down because i was afraid of what my dad would do, but we still hung out constantly, we still had plans to be together when i turned 18 and got out of my fathers house i ended up having to move to my moms house 45 minuts away for the summer, he came and saw me at the beggining but his visits got farther and farther apart until he stopped coming. when i moved back to town the first thing i did was sneek out to go see Jay, he had a girlfriend, a girlfriend with 2 kids. i was friends with her younger brother so i knew she was crazy and didnt understand why he would be with her. it broke my little teenage heart. but eventually i met ryan and moved on with my life. i would still see Jay every once in a while, just passing by and he never spoke to me, he always had her with him and she knew about our past and refused to let him come to town alone in fear that he would come over to my house. even though i moved on with my life i dont think i ever really got over him, he still haunts my dreams occasionally, i still see things on the street or hear certin songs and he is the first thing that pops into my head. so when he emailed me i probably shouldnt have read it, when he told me he was in town, i shouldnt have gone down to visit. he finally left his girlfriend, he told me he was sorry he stopped talking to me like he did, that he still thought about me all the time, he played our song and we talked for hours. he went on about how i was the only girl he ever loved and whatnot, and sitting there looking into his eyes just confused me so much, it was just like old times, like we never missed a beat, like he didnt hurt me and hadent just disapeared for years. what i have with ryan is safe, its confertable, i know that he will always be here for me, always do whatever he can to take care of me. what i had with Jay was so full of passon and fun, so spontantious, he still took care of me but i never knew what was around the corner. would he up and leave or would he stay i never knew? the way he looked at me even now, it made my heart skip a beat. ryan knows him, he knows about our past, and the other day when i went down to see him ryan came to pick me up, he saw the way that Jay looked at me and that was all he talked about the rest of the night. he said he could see how badly Jay wanted to be with me, how much love he had in his eyes, he said it looked like he wanted to grab me, bring me inside and keep me from ryan, (which is true he did tell me he wanted to). but ryan hates him, wants to go down and kick his a** even though i told Jay that we had to be just friends for now. jay took it well and understands completely but im so confused. there were so many promises made between us and i still care about him but after he broke my heart all those years ago i dont know. i love Ryan so much and i want to be with him, i just wish i could get Jay out of my head. like i said before what Ryan and i have is safe, almost too safe, there is no spontantious trips or even all that much fun anymore. i understand because he is working two jobs right now but i wish he would make time for me too, when we first got together, when we were spending time together and laughing i almost never thought of jay, the dreams stopped, but now ryan gets up, gos to work, comes home, eats, has a beer and sits infront of the tv paying almost no attention to me, on his days off he just wants to sleep or go off on his own. i have no idea what to think anymore. help????