Ugh! My husband's family just doesn't get it!
@HeresTheScoop (748)
United States
July 10, 2012 4:40pm CST
When a person gets married -
- who should be #1 ~ their spouse or their family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers)?
-- should they be more loyal to their spouse or their family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers)?
My husband's family has always thought that family (mom, dad, sisters, brother) come first. It's been disappointing, made me sad and angry, disheartening, and has made me resentful of his family over the years. Here are a couple of examples:
1) In the first 3 years of our marriage, my husband's oldest sister was wanting him to help her about 2 weekends every month. He would put everything down at the drop of a hat when she called. He felt a bigger need and responsibility to help her even though we had stuff to do at our home. And if I explained to him that we needed to get things done at home and he stayed home, she was mad at me.
2) When we made plans for a Saturday night - one of his sisters called early Saturday afternoon. He answers the phone and she asked us to go out to eat with them (his mom, dad, sisters, brother and their spouses). He would tell her yes without even talking to me. Then he would tell me that we were going out with his family for supper. I'd say "you and I were going out tonight", he'd say "ya I know. But they called and asked, so I said we would." Id say "why didn't you talk to me first?" him "I didn't think it would matter." I'd tell him that I just wanted to spend time with him, but he didn't want to disappoint them. Then I'd say "but you don't care if you disappoint me?" He just didn't get it.
When my family called and asked us to go out with them, it was a planned event so it didn't interfere with anyone's current plans.
We have been married 33 yrs and it's only been in the last 3-4 yrs that he has come around to realize that your spouse comes first.
1 person likes this
10 responses
@doroffee (4222)
• Hungary
11 Jul 12
Oh my, the same as in our family. My dad was brought up in a way that he was taught that his primary family is father, mother, brother, not his spouse and kids... or at least the most important people in life are parents and brother. He still doesn't understand it. Let alone, my grandmother and my uncled used him and squeezed him like a lemon, my grandmother asked money from him, and gave it to my uncle, because she liked him more, but she made my dad do all the bigger household chores, even when we live in the other side of the country.
In my opinion, as a man or a woman settles down with a spouse (for me, preferably by marriage, but I know there are some people who's rather live together without this kind of documentation), let alone they have a child, the primary family should be the spouse and kid... they are the ones who live together, who share memories together, who live in the same household with the same problems and who handle the shared wallet... and the "first" family should understand that that there is a new phase in the man/woman's life and they are kind of torn away... just a little, but they hsould let them go to live their own lives.
2 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
11 Jul 12
It's not that way with my daughter's marriage. He puts her first. Everything is done with them as a unit.. not separate. He won't say yes to someone without talking to his wife, because he is one with her. That's the way he feels. They have been married 12 years in August.
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
11 Jul 12
doroffee - I agree, I think that the 'first' family needs to understand that when their 'child' gets marriied they come 'second'.
PointlessQuestions - I'm very happy for you and your daughter. As a parent, we want our children's spouses to be caring and attentive. And I hope I have brought up my sons to be that way.
@LovingMyBabies (85125)
• Valdosta, Georgia
13 Jul 12
My husband is the same way but not with his family. Rather, anyone that asks him for help with anything no matter what we were doing or had planned he would do it in a heart beat! I always feel the same way like, don't I matter? Don't your kids matter? I don't think he will ever change in that way. He will always put helping others first. It is a good quality to have but not when it interferes with your own family. If you could let me know how you changed your husband that would be great! Lol. I sometimes get really tired of it...
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
13 Jul 12
Sorry, I don't have and answer for you. He had to realize himself, which took 28 yrs of our marriage. I think it's a guy thing. Most guys have it, some don't, some realize it within a short time, some take a long time.
It's very prevalent on my husband's dad's side. His dad had 7 brothers and 1 sister. But it's even noticeable in the women on that side. His cousins, siblings Dave and Diane, found out that Dave's wife almost cheated on him (because he's like my husband). Diane told him to divorce his wife and he said no because he still loves her. He wants to work it out. Diane was mad at Dave and told me "Dave took his wife's side, but I'M his SISTER, she's not even blood relative!" Very selfish.
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
13 Jul 12
I just remembered something that I said to my husband once. I don't know if it helped or not when he came around. This is how I expained it to him: "If your mom and your dad's sister were arguing, would it be right for your dad to take his sister's side because she is a blood relative? As the child, don't you see your mom and your siblings as your dad's immediate family?"
I hope that helps.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
11 Jul 12
I am glad that he has finally come around. That is tough. There is nothing wrong with maintaining the family bond, but your spouse is your "better half." That means taking care of them should be just as important as taking care of yourself. Now I realize that is a little dramatic and there are "better halves" out there that really aren't worth much effort BUT if people are going to make a go of it, they should be committed to one another totally. I am not saying not to go to a mother on her deathbed or help an ill member of the family, but they don't need to be first all the time. The family should have respect for the marital bond too. I am proud of you for hanging in there and proud of him for realizing.
Take care.
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
12 Jul 12
Thank you, Jen. I seen a commercial on tv a few weeks ago that had an old couple probably in their 60's-70's. They were walking and holding hands and the lady said that people are always asking her and her husband how they've managed to stay together for so long and she says "We grew up in a time that when something is broken, we don't throw it away, we fix it." It was an 'a ha' moment and I realized - that's me and my husband!
@much2say (54009)
• Los Angeles, California
22 Jul 12
Oh gosh. My mom went through that with my dad. Not so much about plans, but my dad always took his siblings' sides. My dad rarely backed my mom up on anything . . . if they said anything bad about her to her and my mom reported it to my dad, he'd just say my mom took it the wrong way or that she was jealous of them or something ridiculous like that. I always hated that.
I vowed never to marry a guy like my dad in that sense. And luckily I married a man who puts his wife and kids first before his own family.
In recent times, my dad got into a huge quarrel with all his sibings regarding an ugly inheritance issue (basically my dad against everyone else). So he finally came to the realization that it's his own wife and kids that needs to appreciate (my gawd, after all these years). But you know, "our" time is gone and the damage has been done. So at least now he's trying to be a nicer grandparent. But still, I am sad that my mom had to endure the way he was towards her all these years.
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
23 Jul 12
Well, I'm glad that you noticed. It's just weird to me because when I got married, my husband was my priority. It's like the next step in life. I didn't feel obligated to my parents and siblings like my husband did. Much of it, for myself and my husband, was how we were raised. Here's an example: There was some family thing going on and his nephew, who had been married for almost a 1 yr, called his aunt and said he wanted to come but he and his wife had other plans. Then his aunt (my husband's sister) explained it told us as "His wife doesn't want him to come, but he'll get her to come around". 'Come around' meaning he will get his wife to understand that his family is most important. They DID have other plans and his WIFE should be his priority. They see the in-laws as distractions to the family, unless you're the in-law that is constantly doing things for them.
I'm glad your dad finally sees his wife and kids as priority. Too bad it takes some guys (mine) so long!
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
11 Jul 12
It's as simple as this: You are the one he lays down and sleeps with every night, not them. He isn't married to them, he is married to YOU. When you get married you leave mom and dad to be TOGETHER.
I mean, it's fine to help family out when you need to and to have dinner together, but if you have plans, they supersede anything family might want to do. You can take a rain-check with the family and go out another time or help out when it is convenient for you all.
The sister is out of line to get mad at you, and your husband needs to set her and everyone else straight. His first loyalty belongs to YOU. They will get it if he is firm with them and stand up to them. He'll just need to man up and claim you as his wife.
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
11 Jul 12
I completely agree with you on everything you said, but he doesn't get firm and stand up to them. A couple of years ago I told him, that I'm not going to take it anymore. I have to be #1. I didn't give him an ultimatum, but I did tell him that I can't do this anymore if he's just going to turn his head away when it happens. I said 'I think we've got problems here and even though you say you feel bad that they did and said those things, you still let it happen. I don't deserve this. No one deserves this. Right now, living on my own sounds good'.
That was 2 years ago, things have gotten a little better.
@midnightmom44 (117)
• United States
13 Jul 12
O totally I feel ya. I've been w my h for 8 yrs n I keep telln him that we (me him n our 2 kids) are his family his immediate family now not his mom his sister or his brother! I so totally get you. We might as well be riding in the same boat. Mine is better now also but I had to get mad about it and I didn't want him to think I was tryn to keep him away from his family but my family on the other hand makes plans a week or so in advance not at the last second. And sometimes its ok but sometimes its not n when its not I should b respected as the woman in his life. That's just how I feel about it.
1 person likes this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
10 Jul 12
yup, i married a momma's boy too. i often wonder why he didn't live at home his whole life instead of marrying me. we have been married for 25 years and now my father in law has altzheimers and my mother in law never bother to learn how to drive and never paid any bills or anything when my father in law was ok. so of course, she asks my hubby to do everything (which he gladly does). he totally ticks me off a lot of the time too.
1 person likes this
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
11 Jul 12
Wow, it sounds like we married very similar people! He's told me that he would probably still be single if we hadn't married and he'd still be living in our hometown. I'm pretty sure he'd have his own place, but definitely see his mom and siblings daily. Actually, he's not a momma's boy because his oldest sister took care of him the most, but it's close.
He's always had a job and he's been with his current employer for 23 yrs. He's a good guy, as I'm sure yours is too. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, but he just doesn't have the 'emotional protective' aspect. He has the protective nature like if I was in danger, he would definitely do whatever was needed to keep me safe, in that way. But if anyone says or does mean things towards me, and his siblings have done plenty of that, he doesn't protect me. He doesn't say or do anything.
@jeanneyvonne (5501)
• Philippines
14 Jul 12
Hi. I came from an Asian family. It is an invisible rule here that when you married someone, you marry their family as well. it doesn’t help that sometimes, the family thinks it is still okay to bother a newly’ married couple as if nothing really happened to the family dynamics. If your husband was the eldest child or someone reliable in the family, I will not be surprised if the family keeps him busy and to at your side. As a spouse, you could have understood but I guess its kind of that your husband realize that eh also need time for himself, time for you and your own family.
I am assuming that you have a good relationship with your in-laws and you are not the type to complain. However, I think you should have stood for yourself and your family because you should always be the first priorities in life. Families are good and they are the basic until of every person but being dragged to much to family affairs can be a little taxing and tiring,.
At least now, your husband knows to get his priorities straight.
@aejey322 (1004)
• Philippines
11 Jul 12
oh well, how i wish i'll just keep silent about this... but i can somehow relate! my husband is the last from among his siblings who got married. so he's the one who stayed longer with his parents. when he was still single, he always shared to me that he has to be responsible for the finances because his siblings already had their own families. when we got married and had a child, i thought it will already be an excuse not to be giving a much bigger share. but it's not. even though he knows we already are tight with money because we all know baby's needs are really expensive. but everytime his parents ask, he would not even ask me if it's alright to get from our budget. i would not say we will not provide, but at least limit to what we can only afford. he still prioritize his parents even though he already had his son. it's really pissing me off but i cannot complain because it makes me become a foe to their family...
@HeresTheScoop (748)
• United States
11 Jul 12
I can relate to the 'family' obligation. A couple of weeks ago we went to his mom's to help with yard work, move some flowers to another place in the yard, and make a patio. On our way home he said he didn't see me much while we were there. I told him I stayed inside and helped his oldest sister (she makes the meals, snacks and treats when people come over to help).
That was fine with him but he was just curious why I didn't come outside and help because I used to. I told him it was because I didn't want his sister and cousin to start in on me like they used to. They would tell me I didn't have much dirt on my hands and clothes so I wasn't working as hard as them, or they would complain about aches and pains and when I didn't complain they told me I must not be working as hard as them. If I chose to pull stuff in a wagon instead of carrying it they'd let me know that they carried the same thing. No matter what I did or didn't do, their way was the right way. After I told him this, he said he was sorry that I had to go through that. That's when I started getting pissed - of all the times, years ago, that I told him his siblings said this stuff to me he's now acting like he didn't know.
@Shavkat (137313)
• Philippines
11 Aug 12
I still believe in close family ties, if you are going to get married to someone, it is typically to marry the family too. But then, it should be in a compromise conditions. Give more time to know your hubby's family. I guess you are till adjusting.
