He says his doctor can't find a reason for him to quit smoking.
By mentalward
@mentalward (14691)
United States
July 12, 2012 8:07pm CST
I have a friend I've known for 45 years now. My oldest and dearest friend. He's 63 and is NOT in good health. He's had a heart attack and several strokes (not recently). He smokes cigarettes (full strength). He does not drink (any more) and eats like a typical bachelor, meaning he could eat better if he wanted to.
I'm very worried about him but he has tried to assure me that his cigarette smoking is not hurting him. Now, I know better. There is NOTHING good about smoking, it does hurt our health, no matter how you look at it. I think he's either in denial or he has a very dangerous quack for a doctor!
This man is living on only 24% of his heart at this time. The rest is damaged beyond repair from the heart attack (which was most likely at least partially caused by his smoking). Yet, he continues to smoke.
I want him to quit but I know that you can't make anyone quit smoking, they have to want to quit on their own. At the same time, I can't watch him kill himself one cigarette at a time. I used to smoke myself but quit almost two years ago now and feel SO much better! I've tried to use myself as an example but it's not working.
What would you do if you were in my shoes? I need suggestions on how to approach him to at least get him to acknowledge that his smoking IS bad for his health so maybe he'll decide to quit.
4 people like this
18 responses
@BabyCheetah (1911)
• Australia
13 Jul 12
Some people just won't quit and will be in denial no matter what you do. I've pretty much given up on trying to encourage people because they all say the same thing "Idon't want to" or "I'm not ready"
Kudos to you for quitting, anyone who quits I consider a very strong willed person, sounds harsh to say but people who don't want to are pretty weak minded and think they simply can't live without them which is a load of bull because we all know you can and you're an example of this.
I have never been a smoker so I can't really talk about what it's like. I told my mum just today she should try and cut down even more although she is not a heavy smoker but she is spending almost $70 every fortnight on them. My aunt is trying to quit again too and is determined that she can do it this time. I'll be so proud of her if she sticks with it.
Sorry I have no suggestions for you. He's been through a heart attack yet still continues so I doubt bringing him to the hospital and seeing people dying from smoking won't change anything 
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
15 Jul 12
Yeah, he probably won't. But, maybe he'll go for me. He does listen to me even though he's pretty stuck in his ways. Maybe I'll let him know that I'll do whatever it takes if he'll just give it a try. I'll have to keep you updated.
@BabyCheetah (1911)
• Australia
15 Jul 12
Please do. Keep us all updated in fact, I think the community loves success stories so if you are able to shift his way of thinking a little that should help. I'm thinking maybe you can find some you tube videos of much older people who are still healthy and excersising to show him that itn's not old age. Maybe some videos will inspire him 
@ElicBxn (63252)
• United States
13 Jul 12
smokers are in denial, NOTHING you tell them is going to change their mind
he's lying to himself if he says his doc can't find a reason to quit, unless his doc expects to have take care of him less time by letting him smoke and kill himself...
It hurts to see loved ones killing themselves with a "habit" - hurts even more when you know that habit is hurting more than themselves (as in a pregnant woman smoking)
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
14 Jul 12
nothing is going to change his mind but himself. If you keep telling him about it he may resent it and stop speaking to you. Look at this way if his doctor could not get him to stop. This man is in serious denial.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
15 Jul 12
unfortunately that is true,
no doctor condones smoking, the truth of the matter is he could not find a single reason to believe the doctor
@CelticSoulSister (1640)
• Southend-On-Sea, England
15 Jul 12
I think you're right where you say that you can't make anyone quit smoking, so maybe your energy might be better spent in encouraging him to eat more healthily? The only reason why I say that is because it probably will be a lot easier to get him to do. At least then you'll have done something, rather than worry about the thing you might not be able to stop him doing. He probably knows how bad smoking is for his health, but also might know that he could be one of those people who just always will find it impossible to quit. Well done to you for quitting though.
@CelticSoulSister (1640)
• Southend-On-Sea, England
15 Jul 12
As an after-thought, I'm wondering why his doctor said that it won't do him any good to quit? Perhaps it might be an idea to ask him? I suppose it's possible that he feels the damage to the body which has been done won't be cured by stopping smoking, maybe due to it being irreversible? To continue smoking may cause additional damage, but there's also the issue of very high stress levels which a lot of people experience whilst trying to stop smoking, and that stress in itself is very bad for the heart. I'm not defending smoking here - just looking for reasons as to why the doctor has said what he did.
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
13 Jul 12
I have a disability. A friend of mine had cancer twice, and I was trying to get her to quit. I told her that if I could do something that might help my condition I would do it! Her reply was that that part of her didn't smoke. She said her cancer doctor told her he'd rather have her smoke than be subject to stress! I find that hard to believe, but you never know these days. She had to quit for 2 months to have the surgery and I remarked that it would be a good time to quit for good, and of course she ignored me.
@cerebellum (3863)
• United States
15 Jul 12
I have never smoked, but I realize it must be VERY hard for most people anyway. My mother smoked a good bit, but she got tired of feeling like an outcast and just quit. She didn't have any problem at all, so she really doesn't believe it when others say how hard it is.
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
13 Jul 12
I think it is easy to quit the smoking if one finds enough reason to live again.
Most of the people smoke because they think that it helps them to release the stress.
If one is able to find the reason for the stress and then if finds a good substitute for it then he/she will quit smoking.
Most people will never find the kind of the love or kind of home or kind of anything, anything can be the reason. When they find it and if someone whom they really love asks them to quit it they really will quit it.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
15 Jul 12
Well, my friend and I had lost touch for a long time but recently found each other again on Facebook. He's been extremely happy and has been trying to make up for lost time with me. I know that he would very much like to be more than friends with me but, at this point in time, it is not possible but it is not out of the question as I am preparing to divorce my husband very soon. This is something I've been planning for years now but just did not have the financial ability to leave. Now, it's looking better and I have been planning to get a divorce since before my friend and I found one another again.
So, maybe I can use his affection for me to make him at least try to quit, maybe if he knows that there is a possibility that he and I could spend the rest of our lives together, that would be enough for him to quit. I'd have to give him an ultimatum, though, and let him know that I could not be with him if he continues to smoke.
Thank you for your response. It has given me an idea. I will let you know if it works. 
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
15 Jul 12
Good luck to you! Take your decision with the divroce wisely, I know you are wise enough because you are older than me but see that no body's heart should break. If both are happy with divorce than go for it.
I am not married but I can understand all this.
@Jshean20 (14349)
• Canada
5 Aug 12
Someone close to me in my life is a heavy smoker and I've learned that there really isn't anything you can say to change their minds. I've noticed that in my case, he smokes more in certain situations verses other times. I will try to distract him sometimes into doing something else to keep him busy so he doesn't smoke, but this is only a momentary fix. I admire that you're trying so hard to help your friend out, I hope something works for you.
@AmbiePam (85680)
• United States
13 Jul 12
I hate to say it, but it sounds pretty hopeless. People get to an age where they just won't change. Plus, he's a male and they are even more stubborn. You might try telling him you care about him and that you would like it if he at least tried to stop. But it sounds too tough.
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
14 Jul 12
I have to agree with you, AP. Men ARE much more stubborn than women, on the whole. I'm thinking of doing just that, telling him that I just cannot watch him kill himself and would really like it if he could at least try to quit, maybe even just slow down some, cut his smoking in half. I'm just not sure that he will care enough to quit. He has smoked since I've known him so that's 45 years. I know it's hard to quit but I'm proof that it is possible, although I didn't smoke as long as he has nor did I smoke as much when I did smoke. Still, I made it. I wish he cared enough about himself to want to be as healthy as he can righ now but I guess that's asking for too much as this point.
1 person likes this
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
13 Jul 12
My grandparents must have smoked most of their adult lives..they were in their mid 80's when they passed and they enjoyed a smoke until the end..Their smoking wasn't a factor.Others like your friend can find their health going downhill with smoking being a major factor,and they can be in denial every step of the way.I have to wonder was that a direct quote from the Doctor,or was that Your Friend rationalizing what the doctor said? I can't think a health professional would cop out on someone like that..
@mentalward (14691)
• United States
14 Jul 12
You know, I think there may have been more that the doctor said that he is choosing to ignore, like maybe the doctor said, "If you really want to die soon, I don't see any reason for you to quit smoking." My friend may just have conveniently forgot that first part.
Yes, his smoking is definitely hurting him. It's killing him. Some people do smoke all their lives and live to be very old but my friend is obviously not one of them. He gave me no other reason for his heart attack and strokes so I'm convinced that they were directly caused by his smoking. He has enough trouble as he was injured at work about 20 years ago and needed extensive spine surgery and now deals with daily pain and has to use a cane to walk. If that were me, I'd want to make as much of my body as healthy as possible to feel as good as I possibly could, not try to make it worse. I just don't get that attitude.
Maybe I'll tell him he's about to lose his oldest and closest friend if he doesn't at least try to quit or slow down.
@lynboobsy11 (11343)
• Philippines
13 Jul 12
I don't know how to encourage him but if you can show him the effect of smoking maybe he can realize it. But I don't think it is a powerful enough to stop it. I once a smoker too but I decided to quit also not because I'm afraid of what I saw in the health news about smoking. I quit because I hate the smell that stink on my hair and even on my clothes. It is very small reason but I was lucky that I stop.
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
14 Jul 12
He's a liar if he says his Dr has said nothing to him. He's just in denial because he "can't". You've been there you know it's hard but your health and looks suffer for it. I know it pains me to see my husband smoking. I only ever hear is that "You married me as a smoker, you knew I was a smoker" ok but I have allergies that cause me to use in in hailer now and I'm the selfish one or so that's how I feel. Though he's been smoking outside primarily since I was pregnant but it hasn't stopped him from sneaking in cigs in the bathroom (unventilated) in cold weather.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
13 Jul 12
Honestly I wish there was something I could tell you. He'd have to be scared beyond just that heart attack and have a doctor actually TELL HIM he needs to quit. Of course, his doctor could have said that and he's still in denial.
Have you thought of looking up TRUTH videos and stories when it comes to smoking? maybe if he read or watched the stories, it'd "scare" him?
@neildc (17239)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
2 Aug 12
Hi Marti. For more than 20 years now, I guess, that I am smoking. I have tried a lot of times to quit. The only successful "quit smoking" I did was about 10 years ago which is about 6 month-period only. Yes I am feeling differently now, inside me, which I think is due to smoking. Now, I always think about quitting again. But I can't find the right procedure, how to start quitting. I am glad to hear that you successfully stopped for two years now. I hope I can do it again, for good. But how I can really start it.
@Rick1950 (1575)
• Lima, Peru
14 Jul 12
Hi Ward, I think your friend knows that smoking is bad for his health, but this is a mater of will. Surely your friend feels pleasure when he smokes and this pleasure is stronger than the fact that smoking hurts his health. I think there are two ways to leave smoking, one is that your friend loses the memories of smoking's pleasure and the other one that he feels something that can bring to him the will to end with smoking. The decision is only in your friend. I think you can give him the support that you have given him until now, and I guess your friend appreciates your help. But the final choice is only inside of him. Have a nice weekend.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
15 Jul 12
Hi Mental,
I am a smoker and I have until Oct. 1st to quit. That is the date I was just given as to when there will be no smoking anywhere on the property at the apartment complex that I live in. I have tried to quit in the past and have been successful for up to almost a year and always fallen back. I'm sorry but I have no tips to offer anyone. I will be following this discussion though in hopes of getting some. As for getting your friend to acknowledge that it is bad for him...you can't. He knows but just hasn't for whatever reason reached a point where he feels he can or maybe just doesn't want to. Only 24% of his heart working?? Let's hope and pray that he wakes up and out of denial soon!
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
16 Jul 12
You said he was 63 and not in good health. You also said he is living on 24% of his heart and has already had several strokes and a heart attack. It is commendable that you care for him so much but sometimes the way to show someone we care is to leave them alone. By now the damage has already been done and is too far along to reverse. The smoking gives him pleasure and I am sure he doesn't have much of that anymore.
I commend you for quitting. You obviously took charge of your life before the damage became permanent. While I grieve with you over your friends condition I don't think forcing him to give up smoking will add anything to his life at this stage. In fact the trauma of giving up his smokes will probably make his condition worse. I have been through this same situation myself so I am speaking from experience.
@marguicha (215807)
• Chile
21 Jul 12
No one can make someone quit smoking. He has to decide by himself what he wants for his life just as you decided two years ago to quit. What made you quit? How long did other people tell you that it was bad for your health before you did it? I quit smoking about 5 years ago, but I had found my own reason and even then it wasn`t easy. I quit because I couldn`t smoke and have the vacations I wanted for many more years. So I chose. And let me tell you that if I had known about my future, I would not has quitted. I will not live a lot of years (now I know) and I could have both smoked and have the vacations of my dreams. So, as you say, you cannot say anything about a human being just relying on statistics. Let him be happy. All of us will die the day it is meant for us to die.
@GetSimplyFit (4)
• United States
16 Jul 12
We are also ex smokers..He at least needs to be on a heart healthy diet and using supplements to take care of the heart and vascular system....check out goherbalife.com/getsimplyfit/en-us or you can contact them at getsimplyfit@yahoo.com..I know they carry a very good heart health supplement endorsed by major heart doctors.
