i put a bandaid on it for my fiance
August 29, 2012 5:47pm CST
i do not get along with my finaces family very well. they all dislike me and quite frankly im not fond of them either. i was not allowed to go to their house or even really be near them. however when my fiances brother kyle needed a place to stay i opened my doors, gave him a bed, food, even the last of my money. it took my fiances grandfather being diagnosed with cancer for them to start talking to me again. i was really close to my fiances grandfather and so was my fiance. when he got sick we went over as much as possible. i remember one time my fiances mother told him not to bring me over to his grandfathers but i went anyway and when we told him what his daughter said he looked at me and said "this is my little shack and ill have who ever i want here" anyway his health went down hill quickly, we went over to see him one day and he had a walker, 3 days later he was in a wheel chair, and 2 days after that he had a hospital bed in his living room. the last time i was at his house we hung out for a while then left to go see some other people and on the way home we saw my fiances mother and a bunch of other people at his grandfathers house. so we stopped, i stayed in the truck. his grandfather had been coughing real bad earlyer and they had the nurse there who said he had broncitus and needed someone to stay with him. so my fainces mother cornered me and asked if i "would mind ryan staying with his sick grandfather" what was she thinking i would say no? so anyway he stayed the night and i drove home, he went to work in the morning and when he got home we got a call saying that his grandfather was just admitted to the hospital and he wanted us all there. ryan and i went up to see him and ryans mother, sister, brother, and step father were all there. they were all nice to me and whatnot. we went back to their house and all the sudden ryans brother had a problem with me being around, they got into a huge fight and we left. 2 days later the cancer took ryans grandfathers life and i was not invited to the funeral, i understood but ryan was pissed off and ended up bringing me anyway, turns out his brother had said that if i went he was leaving because he didnt want to be any where near me. i dont know what i did to him, but i put a bandaid over my problems with ryans mother for the time being
2 people like this
• United States
30 Aug 12
This is an emergency situation. I would post pone the wedding, because this is huge. Judging based on their reaction to you, I think you living with your fiance Ryan already. If you are, that's likely the reason this is going badly. I can't explain it, other than to say I've seen this dozens of times, and when you start living with the guy you haven't married yet, the guys family goes nuts. Why, I don't know. I just have seen it happen. In either case, regardless of if you are living with him or not, this is a huge huge problem, and you need to clear this up before you get married. Because this isn't going away, and things are going to go from bad to worse, and extremely fast. Getting married will not fix this. It will only make the problems even more severe. So what's the solution? You have to have an intervention, and the intervention can NOT come from you. It has to come from Ryan, because they won't listen to you. YOU CAN NOT.... talk, communicate, discuss or otherwise mention this problem to his family at all. If you do, this will only confirm their suspicions that the evil daughter-in-law wannabe is trying to steal away their little boy. You will only galvanize their hatred of you, and make them work even harder to destroy this relationship. The only one that can talk to his family about this is HIM! You can be WITH him when he does it, your mouth must be completely and entirely closed. The words must come from his mouth alone. So your first goal is to determine if he is going to do what he needs to do, to protect your marriage. I'm warning you up front, there's many 'boys' that are not man enough to do this. I read the story about a guy whose mother and father decided they didn't like his wife. Now he got married before they were living together, so there wasn't any drama up to this point. But they would call and refuse to talk to her, and they would invite him to things without mentioning her. So here is what he did. He called a family meeting, put the kids to bed, and set down with them in their living room. He specifically put his wife, directly in front of him, before his parents, and told them: (I'm quoting as best I remember) "This is my wife. After G-d, this single woman is the most important human being on the face of this planet. There is no one that comes before my wife, in this life. If you try and put a wedge between me and my wife, you lose. You lose holidays. You lose birthdays. You lose grand kids. You lose everything. I will cut you off, and there will be zero contact from this day on." And he said that he meant every word. He would completely cut his parents completely out of his life entirely. In his case, the parents got the message, and there were no problems after this. But your Ryan has to do this. And trust me, its going to be horribly difficult for him to do. But it MUST BE DONE. In-laws can ruin your married for sure. It's either the 4th or 5th highest cause of divorce. And unless these In-laws either get with the program that your his wife, or your Ryan becomes a man and to protect his wife, cuts them out of his life.... you are doomed. You might as well break up now. Because if he isn't willing to cut them out, and they are not willing to accept you, I promise you they will continue driving a wedge into your relationship until you split. But this is HIS job, not yours. As best you can, you should love them every chance you get. Which is hard to love people who don't like you, but you've got to do your best. You won't feel like it, but welcome to being an adult. Maturity is learning to do things you don't like. The good news is, there is a very real chance this can be fixed. The bad news is, there is also a real chance your Ryan may not man up, and take responsibility. The ugly news is, you better not get married until this issue is settled. If you do, you'll be miserable and stressed, and bitter at everyone, even Ryan, for this issue. Don't go there girl. Disney and Lennon are wrong. "All you need is love" is a lie. Don't live in an animated movie where "it will all work out", no it won't. You got to settle this problem before you move forward.
30 Aug 12
I don't really know the back story of your "situation" with your soon-to-be in-laws but I guess if you're not doing anything wrong then perhaps they're not used to people joining the family then. Perhaps it's not what you did but what other people talk behind your back or something like that, or perhaps they like the ex better - which is sad if you think about it, but that's the past, people need to move on, their brother/son did. I guess what you could do for now is just do what you do. I wouldn't push myself to people who don't like me, but I wouldn't allow them to push me over either. I could remember your situation with one of my best friends. She wasn't really liked by the family of her husband even before they got married. They never showed it up-front but they always talked behind her back. She tried to make amend and to start over (even if she didn't do anything in the first place) but no matter how she tried, she just looked evil to them. Eventually, she got tired of pleasing them and just became civil. Now, they barely see each other and she only brings her child to the grandparents, she only brings him when the husband was around. I think they didn't like her because of her ways. She wasn't the type who'd go kissing their bottoms like the other daughter-in-law did. But I think the greatest reason for their "hate" for her is because before the husband married, 90% of the income of the seafarer husband went to the mother-in-law. Then when they got married, he stopped giving 90% but rather gave little portions thinking that they'd understand because he was already married. There weren't any conversations and explanations for the financial thing, he just suddenly did so. Of course, if you are used to getting a big amount of money then suddenly a girl comes into the life of your son and he doesn't give anymore, who are you going to blame? The girl! hehe.. I think the root of her problems was because of the money. Perhaps you should stop and think about it. Perhaps you'll see the root. Try to check. Perhaps they dislike you because ever since you were together he no longer 'bonded' with them or something like that. Perhaps he did a 360 degree turn that's why they despise you. I'm pretty sure you didn't do anything to create sparks but people are not used to change, most especially if the change happened suddenly. God bless. Have a great mylot experience ahead!
• United States
30 Aug 12
they dislike me because i wont bend to their every will. if you look in my past discussions there are quite a few about them and what has gone on between us. we have had it out a few times and she even tried to make her son chose between her and i which of corse didnt work. she has never liked me and i have never been fond of her either. but yeah if you look in the past disscusions you will learn alot about what has gone on between us. alot of it has to do with the fact that her son is no longer around to do every little thing for her as well thanks and you too :)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Aug 12
hi ouch wow thats a real do wner, Have you and your fiance sat down and talked this all out? if so then perhaps you two need to move away some where where you and your fiance can have some peace. I know your Ryan loves his family but he needs to think about you as it could be they are not ever going to accept you which is so sad.
• United States
30 Aug 12
ryan and i talk about it all the time, it pisses him off and he does his best to put an end to it without disowning his family. we actually just moved out of state, far enough away where his mother (who does nothing but sit on her butt in her big house all day) will not come see us but close enough that if we chose to we can go see her
• United States
29 Aug 12
Have you ever just came right out & asked them what their problem was with you? It sounds to me like you are trying everything under the sun to be accepted by them & all they do is turn you away. If they really loved their son/brother they would try their best to get along w/ you. I think for everyone's sake(when the time is right)before you two get married you both should sit down with his family & try to find a way for you all to get along since you will be part of their family whether they like it or not. I hope for your sake that both of you can get through to them because unfortunately they could make your married life very difficult.