How to say NO to your parents?
@ccarabuena (442)
Cebu, Philippines
September 21, 2012 10:01am CST
We'll currently I'm living away from home and I am a working student.
I work in a contact center as Team Lead Trainee at the same time a Law Student. I pay for my own tuition aside from my daily expenses like fare from home to work and work to school and vis a vis. I also pay my own house rent, electric bills and at the same time, I also oblige to help my younger brother for his tuition fees for his College which is also too expensive as he is taking up Culinary Arts. With the task I have, I am already drained emotionally, physically and financially. However, due to fortuitous events happened last December 16, 2011 in our little hometown, a flash flood wiped out our family business and nothing left at all and there were thousand of families died during those flash floods in 2 Cities ( Cagayan De Oro and Iligan City ), Iligan was my hometown which is greatly affected during the calamity. I supposed to get a help from the company I work with as a financial assistance to those affected however due to lack of requirements I was unable to get a single cent. And because of that, I was forced to take a loan from a financial lending company to help my parents with the renovation and money for capital. However, up until now, there is nothing I can see and they still keep on asking me for monetary assistance which is also stressful. I am not complaining that they keep on asking me for it but to the fact that no matter how much you sent them it would never be good enough at all. And they're even comparing me to my twin sister about the amount that has been remitted to them. Can't they figured out that I am also struggling here trying to provide them with their needs financially? Yes, I know they are my parents but I have also other obligations and also to fulfill my dreams. It's so funny to know that they only remember to send a text message only during pay day, to ask money and that's it and between those times nahhh there's no text at all nor say "Hi, how are you my daughter?" They don't even know when I get sick,I need someone to talk to and other stuff. Yeahh, I feel like I am a milking cow but do you think this should be enough already?I know they are my parents but what about me? They don't even allow me to go out to other place to save money.. save money for them! I don't have a life anymore... Sometimes I cried the same realization because the parents/ family that I expect to care for me is not with me. Sigh! Everytime they asking me for help, I really wanted to say No, but too scared that they will get mad at me just like one time that I say no to them. That maybe because I'm feeding someone else's mouth out of my money, that I'm happy go lucky girl.. they don't even have a proof. Oh my Gosh... I really don't know what to do with them.
Early morning before going to school, I ask my mom, that's when I was in my high school days- "Ma, why is that my brother has more money than me? " and my mom just replied "..because he has a father and you don't have.. so settle yourself with it " to think there's a big difference like 60% more for my brother. Now tell me, why do I feel this way? It happened 13 years ago but still it's very clear in my memory how my mom say that to me. And I know I felt guilty when I reminded her of that conversation we had and til now she no longer texted me. I must admit that I love my mom so much but I can't stand everytime she compared me to my twin sister and my younger half brother. What's wrong with me? I did my best to graduate in College with BSBA- Entrepreneurial Marketing and now I am in my 3rd year Law course but still she never failed to make me feel that I'm never good enough for her. Between me and my sister, I am the only one who took another course though my twin sister getting 25% more than my salary.
Until now I can't still figure out where did I go wrong?
I really wanted to continue to help them but what about me, I'm financially drained.
Please advised me my lotters what to do as it is already affecting my daily life and school. And at the same time my best friend is too far away from me to confide.
1 person likes this
8 responses
@SinfulRose (3527)
• Davao, Philippines
25 Sep 12
I don't think I can give you a good answer regarding your emotional and psychological problem. But if it's financial, maybe I can give you some advice. If you are borrowing money more than you can afford with your income, just to help your parents, then you're in big trouble. If not now, then later in your life, you'll be in debt more than you can pay for in your life time if you continue to pursue borrowing money more than you can afford to lose. Yes, you may have to cut off helping them for now until you can finally be able to afford to give them some money.
If you take my advice, explain to your parents as best as you can your current situation. They may understand, maybe they won't. But one thing's clear: You cannot help others if you can't even help yourself. You're doing great and you can make it just fine. You're doing things legally so you've done nothing wrong. Try changing your perspective/feeling of being left out by your parents and maybe more options to life may open before you. Most of the times, people are the only ones who limit themselves. And maybe that thing that's limiting you, making you go near insane, is that feeling you have about your parents. Try changing that negative emotion to positive and maybe you'll see that you can turn the tables of your life around.
Hope this helps. Happy Mylotting!
@ccarabuena (442)
• Cebu, Philippines
6 Oct 12
Well, I talked to my sister yesterday and my mom told her that she can no longer expect me to help them and that she's mad at me to the fullest.
1 person likes this
@SinfulRose (3527)
• Davao, Philippines
6 Oct 12
Allow her to be mad then. But it's her decision whether she wants to stay mad at you for a long time or for a short time. Now that you have cut off your expense to them, try making more money now so that in the future you can finally support them again. Earn money, look for leverage, invest, compound and let time be your allay in making you more money. I'm sure soon enough, you can make your parents proud at your financial skills once you've made use of them--and can give them money every time they need it.
@trisha27 (3494)
• United States
28 Sep 12
First of all I don't think that it is right how your mother is treating you. Yeah she shouldn't be asking you for money in the first place and then she should be happy that you at least offered her some money. What does she expect that you live on the street and she don't care as long as you send her money. You are right, what about you. I say you should focus on you and your life and your dreams and what you are planning to do for goals and dreams. Its not even right that your mother just calls you, when you are getting paid, and just ask for money and that is it. You are not being selfish, I say that you should continue to tell her and that you cannot. That you have your own bills to pay and that you are trying to focus on school. That right now you cannot help and that is it. If she can't understand that then that is her problem. Don't let your mother drain you like that. If she needs any more assistance then she should try to find it on her own with were she is staying at. It may sound harsh and all, but she needs to stand on her own two feet and stop depending so much on her children who can only help a little. And stop making her children feel guilty because they cannot help her all the time. 
@ccarabuena (442)
• Cebu, Philippines
6 Oct 12
I thought I already get used the way she treated me but I am not.
It makes me sick thinking of this situation to the point I want to give up and get lost in this world so I could no longer feel this emptiness, sadness and being left alone in nowhere. Sigh! Yes, I am not only financially drained but emotionally too.
Even over the counter medicine won't help at all.
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
21 Sep 12
Sorry to hear about your situation.
I am sure you cannot say NO to your parents.
Just try to understand them , maybe it is because they lost all your family assets.
Just try to save a little for yourself for your future.
@randylovesdar (4932)
• United States
22 Sep 12
It is sad that your parents expect you to give them money and that is the only time when they want to speak to you is when you get paid. I know it is hard working full-time and attending school full-time so I applaud you for this. I am married, am renting a home which I keep clean and am a graduate student working towards my second Master's Degree in Leadership and Management so I can eventually open my own preschool. Randy had sadly lost his job over a year ago and we ended up living with my parents which turned out to be a nightmare. My parents had told us that we could live with them until we got back on our feet again and we told them that we would buy food and I would cook several times a week. Well, two weeks after we got done there I ended up having to pay their bills with money we did not really have (I get financial aid for school, but I am trying to save most of it in case of emergencies and so that we can get a place of our own). We just got a place of our own earlier this month and things are better. Randy and I were hoping that we could have bought a home, but right now we are renting a trailer. We are hoping to buy the trailer in five years.
I would tell your mom in a nice calm voice that you cannot afford to help them out because you have your schooling to pay for and also a child to take care of.
@ccarabuena (442)
• Cebu, Philippines
6 Oct 12
I've been telling her over and over a million times already but she doesn't listen to me at all. It makes me so sick thinking why is she treating me this way instead of helping me and supporting me with my goals and plans in life. Yes, now I am sick and no one is here with me to comfort me and to take care of me. I live on my own and went to clinic on my own and never received a text from them.
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
21 Sep 12
In a nice way you'll have to talk to your mom about all this. Tell her how hard you're working now just to get by and that sometimes you don't have much extra to send to her because you need it to survive and get through college.
Also tell her how you feel that you're compared to you sister a lot and tell her how it makes you feel. You don't have to be mean or say no to her. But just tell her how you feel she's using you just to get money. All you can do is try and then see what happens.
@ccarabuena (442)
• Cebu, Philippines
6 Oct 12
I've been telling her about it @courtknee525 but she refused to believe me. I don't know why...which is really pretty hard because it makes me feel so exhausted with this drama in our lives.
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
21 Sep 12
Do not limit yourself because of your parents' inability to make things happen for themselves. And do not use their judgment as a measuring stick of your self worth. Only you can make you tell you what is your worth. Even if they are the ones that brought you into this world, they cannot say that you owe what your dreams and self-respect you have now to them. As a matter of fact, the way I see things based on your story, it is also their doing that is giving blows to your own self-confidence and focus.
I always believe that in order to help, you must help yourself first. How can you expect to really be of help if you cannot help your very self in the first place? I know they are your parents and I know you owe them a lot, but that doesn't mean that you will give back the life that they gave you so that you will be able to measure up to their standards.
Only you can really decide for certain what to do, because we don't really know how your family is. I do feel how it is to be unappreciated, but don't expect others to appreciate you if you cannot even appreciate yourself in the first place. Act according to the best dictates of your conscience, and not by what you hear.
@ccarabuena (442)
• Cebu, Philippines
6 Oct 12
It so happen that I cannot help but feel that way every time she compare me to my twin sister. I just got my grades and very disappointing due to the stress I've had with her and all the stressful messages I've received from her.
@BigMoney25 (1286)
• Philippines
21 Sep 12
live the way you want if you think what you are about to do is right then fight for it, they have to understand that you are growing up and that you also need time alone for you to learn how to be independent.
@riyauro (6421)
• India
21 Sep 12
This is sad and I feel for you because you are not getting appreciated at all in what you did. How can be parents so selfish? If I were you, I would just flee somewhere where I would not see them anymore because all they care about is your money, otherwise they would have called you and talked to you over the phone and asked you how you have been doing. This is happening from long and I think it is time now that you take a decision. One doesn't need an enemy if have parents or family like this. It is really hurting and I see that you are a very strong girl. Somethings don't change and is not worth breaking your head over it. So, you have to be harsh and make a decision. I am sure there are people out there who will appreciate you. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day ahead. 
