How do you live with an unsupportive mate?

@sallyj (1226)
United States
October 7, 2012 8:37pm CST
I have been married over 39 years to the same man. I had foot surgery seven weeks ago. Removed and tried to fuse five joints. Lived with pins sticking out of my toes and through the bones to my heal. My husband took me to have them pulled out. I was so scared. He set in a chair against the wall. He would not hold my hand and even had the nerve to tell me how hard it was for him. What would you do?
6 people like this
13 responses
@Hatley (163955)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Oct 12
hi sallyj has he always been like that? so cold and unhelpful like that? shame on him.So it was hard for him,poor stupid baby. I think I would jolt his nibs. tell him you are honestly thinking of getting a divorce and finding a man who could love you and truly care about you.tell him how hurt you are.talk it over and threaten divorce. might shake him up into realizing he let you down.
2 people like this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
I have RA and did tell him I was looking into appartments, but cannot afford one on my disabbility. He has been quite distant most of his life. He gets nasty for a couple of weeks after he sees his mother. She is nasty and her behavior is hard on him.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163955)
• Garden Grove, California
8 Oct 12
hi sally Ra I have severe arthitis so have an idea of what you are going through.he is 70 and set in his ways so sad I really do not know what to say as my own hubby was so loving and we got along so well. m aybe yours has s ome problems gnagging at h im. his mom it sounds like does not help things. maybe she is why he is like that.I truly hope things do g e t bett er for y ou. hugs,
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
His mother is alot of his problems. He went to visit her early in Sept. Her anniverary and deciesed daughters birthday were the same day. He did not want her to get too depressed. If she is nasty to him, she feels better about her self. I things will get better. I have been very depressed this time and really do not know why. Thank you Sally
• United States
8 Oct 12
Wow that is a very long marriage by todays standards! Most people dont make it 39 years. So has your husband always been so unsupportive or is this a new behavior for him? If its new then maybe he is struggling about something? If communication has been good in the past then I would sit down and have a talk just the two of you.
2 people like this
@Loverbear (4918)
• United States
8 Oct 12
Gee, he has more nerve than your spinal column! My ex was the same way, and sure as the sun comes up he had the same situation where he had to go in and get something done. He wanted me right there with him because he was frightened. They say pay back in he11, and I am proof of that. The doctor who was dealing with my ex was also the one that had pulled the "I won't hold your hand --and it was so hard for me to see all of this going on". I didn't have to do the pay back, the doctor did it for me!!! I had had the doctor to remove some stitches and some staples. I knew it was going to hurt like crazy and needed my ex for moral support. Of course he cowarded out on me. So when the doctor was removing some stitches from me ex, the doctor first smacked the area several times to see if it hurt (the doctor winked at me when he started the procedure) and then he clipped the stitches and then he made sure that when he pulled them out he pulled them out knot side through the hole rather than the knot first so that the removal wouldn't hurt. As my ex sat squirming and "ouching", the doctor started talking about a patient that was concerned about getting her stitches removed and the husband wouldn't support her by simply holding her hand. He emphasized it by "accidentally" pinching the skin where he was grabbing the stitches. Finally he decided to bandage the area and he managed to lose the gauze covering and the tape landed on the area that was still healing. The doctor uttered "oops" and ripped the tape off and then did the bandage right. As we were leaving the office the doctor reached out and gave my shoulder a squeeze and he muttered in my ear "got him!!!" and he laughed as he walked off. My ex wanted to know what that was all about and I told him the truth, that it was because he was such an insensitive uncaring twit that couldn't even be bothered holding my hand when I really needed him! About a year later I dumped the heartless bas-ard. I now have a boyfriend that is so wonderful and he is right there beside me for every procedure that happens, whether it is just getting my blood pressure taken or being at my side in recovery after surgery. He even demands to be in recovery for me. If they don't let him in, I start calling for him when I come out of the anesthesia and won't settle down until they bring him in.
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
Thank you. I think I will get to pay back. Thursday he will see a new doctor and have some possible cancers removed from his hand. He is already asking me if they will bandage his whole hand. It has been two weeks of tears and frustation, I don't think I will forget.
@shaggin (63113)
• United States
9 Oct 12
As long as you have been together I do not think he is going to change. I think I would just be happy myself if he was there with me even if that was it. I understand if he was too nervous to be close to you and hold your hand. I was there when my sister had her last child and I wanted so bad to stay right by her side but I kept fainting lol.
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
9 Oct 12
Shaggin Thank you. I read one of your entries and am so glad you understand. I have not put anything on facebook, because they are family (mostly) and my friends. He is a good son,father and grandfather. These people do not need to know I am emotionally week. I have been so depressed through all of this and he made me hit bottom. A journal entry would not have helped me like that of my mylot friends. Thank you so much
1 person likes this
@blue65packer (11826)
• United States
8 Oct 12
This is one of the many reasons I am single for life! There are to many things to worry about in a relationship! This is one of the worst things to have in a relationship,an unsupportive mate! I had alot of bad experiences with men and I even had a boyfriend who was like this! It was the worst relationship I ever had! It was the start of me realizing men are not for me! They can't be trusted and way to much work!!
@dorannmwin (36396)
• United States
10 Oct 12
I can definitely say that I would not be happy with something like that at all. You know my husband went through chemotherapy last year and I was right there by his side through every one of his doctor's visits and sitting in the infusion suite with him while he had every one of his treatments as well. However, despite the fact that I've always been there for him, there are times that he doesn't really seem to appreciate everything that I've done for him.
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
10 Oct 12
It is hard to know when they appreciate you. I'm sure he knows how much you love him, but we often take it for granted they know what we are thinking. Does he withdrawl his feelings in order not to upset or worry you. I know I was so hurt that it took a blow up to let him know how he hurt me. I'm still not sure what to do if another such surgery comes up. Thank you and stay strong.
1 person likes this
• Canada
1 Nov 12
Why was it "hard for him?" Was it hard for him to see you in pain, or hard for him because it was inconvenient? Either way, I think people need to support eachother. In January I needed to have a needle in my FACE to check for a tumour, and my husband was right there holding my hand. I'd have probably divorced him, if he wasn't. LOL
@jillhill (37356)
• United States
8 Oct 12
I would have had a hard time holding your hand too....I am the kind that passes out when something happens to someone I love..if it were a stranger I would be okay...but not someone that I love. I understand his dilemma..totally. But I understand how you feel too...it would have been nice for him to suck it up a bit..
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
Thank you. It has been very depressing. Now I have to find the real me, for he is to have some sun damaged cancers removed Thursday and I am not sure how to react to this. I think I am a better person than he is. Maybe if I explain my thoughts with his doctor as the procedure takes place, he will know where I am coming from and why.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Oct 12
iF I WROTE DOWN WHAT I'S DO MYLOT WOULD NOT PRINT IT, LOL.
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
I know. I though he had grown up. I was about to move out and get away from such an A. I started looking for one bed room appartments and can not afford one. I have a son, but can not move in with family of five. That is to much to ask of them. To bad he does not enjoy marital relations, then I could pay him back.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20217)
• United States
8 Oct 12
I would call this a a time for a "Come to Jesus conversation." Tell him how you feel and that unless he can be helpful you don't want him around when you are going through these very painful times. If you have friends, other family members or just church members that support each other in times of need now is the time to call onthem to help you. Maybe once he realizes howhard this is for you he will stop being so self centered. Blessings.
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
9 Oct 12
It is very hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I am so hoping God takes him before I have to have this type of surgery again. He is 70. Thank you for reading Sally
@GemmaR (8517)
8 Oct 12
I have been through a time where my partner wasn't very supportive of me, but I like to think that we have been able to get through that and are now a lot stronger as a couple. He didn't have a job when we met, and would let me go out to work and then come home and I would find that none of the work had been done around the house. This meant that I then had to do everything on my own. I spoke to him a few times about it and now things are a lot better between us and I am very glad about this.
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
Thank you. I do think things will improve, but wow. I am glad things have gotten better for you. It takes time and things should even get better for you in the future years.
@teamrose (1492)
• United States
8 Oct 12
I would understand that all people don't react well to hospitals and sickness. He may have some deep hidden phobias or fears associated with illness. You've been with this man for 39 years. If you don't know and understand your man by now, you never will and no advice given by friends, family or strangers on the internet can help you know him better. What has your relationship been like before this incident? Has the marriage been basically happy? Is he normally loving and giving? Is he different from the man you met, married and loved for all these years? Perhaps the marriage has been on the rocks already and this is just the nail in the coffin? Perhaps you are just looking for a pity party? Find some friends and cry on their shoulder how your husband is just not sensitive your needs. Wallow in the pity they will bestow on you. Or better yet, ask these same friends to tell you about their unhealthy relationships. After hearing how awful some women are being treated may make your husband look like prince charming.
@riyauro (6421)
• India
8 Oct 12
Oh sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I do feel for you but you are with him for so long and sure you know him better. Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day ahead.
1 person likes this
@sallyj (1226)
• United States
8 Oct 12
It is hard to handle. He will soon be having skin cancers removed from his hands. Not sure how I will behave in light of all this.
1 person likes this