Keeping in touch with his mom
By courtknee525
@courtknee525 (3742)
United States
November 1, 2012 10:27am CST
When my boyfriend first left for the army back in May, I would try to stay in touch with his mom and we'd get together every once in a while to catch up. But after we flew out to his basic training graduation, we didn't really talk or even see each other until my boyfriend came back down to visit. Now that he's already left and in Korea, I haven't talked to his mom or gotten together with her, but, she also hasn't even kept in touch with me. The day we dropped him off at the airport we were all sad as we went back to the house and she hugged me and told me not to wait so long to come back around and see her.
We get along pretty well and she's nice, but when my boyfriend was here visiting she said a few things that really offended me and she also acted a bit crazy and controlling of my boyfriend. Some of the things she said to me really offended me and I was shocked that she would talk to me like that. She still hugs and kisses me and says she loves me (she really likes me being with her son and knows that he'll end up marrying me) but I just can't let go what she said to me and how she acted.
When we're together we do have a good time but sometimes I just feel a bit awkward hanging out with his mom lol. And another thing, I can't be at his house when he's away, it's just too painful. Seeing his car in the driveway still and seeing his room just makes me really sad and I don't like to be there while he's away. That seems to be the only place she wants to hang out at and get together. I know she works a lot during the week but I'd rather just meet her at a restaurant for dinner or even lunch or something on the weekend. I just can't be at the house and I know for Christmas she'll probably want me to stop by. Christmas this year is going to be hard enough as it is with me not being able to see him and then going to his house while he's not there is going to make me feel even worse.
When we ever do talk again and she asks me to come over and hang out, I think I'm going to have to tell her how hard it is for me to be at the house. I would love to see her and catch up, but everytime I'm at their house and he's gone, I get sad and I always feel like I'm about to cry. I feel like going there puts me two steps back after I've already made one step in dealing with him being so far away. Just when I think I'm handling things well, I go to his house and the pain comes back all over again.
2 people like this
9 responses
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
1 Nov 12
I was in a similar situation a few years back. Sometimes, I think, the mom is having a hard time letting go of 'her baby' and the crazy and controlling seems to come out, just because she is mom.
I was married when the ex went to boot camp and was gone for a year. It got to the point to where i was ready to hand his mom my wedding ring and tell her that maybe I should just forget him, she could keep him happy the rest of his life.
I never did that, of course, but as time went by, she was more comfortable with me around.
Meeting her for lunch somewhere sounds like a great idea!
She could just be afraid that one day he will come home and have to deal with you not being there and then she will have to deal with picking up the pieces. Maybe you just need to spend more time with her and let her know you love her son and will be there for him no matter what. Assurance goes a long way with a mom!
1 person likes this
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
1 Nov 12
That's probably what it is. He's the youngest out of 4 kids and only 2 of them are biologically his mom's..him and his sister. So his mom definitely sees my boyfriend as her little boy and I think she has a hard time letting go and realizing he's growing up. And as he gets older he's not necessarily moving away from his own family, but he's getting to the point where he'll soon have a family of his own and I think his mom has a hard time accepting the fact that there is another permanent woman in her son's life besides herself.
WE get along great but there were a few times she's said things that offended me. For a while my boyfriend wanted to go Airborne but he knew I was uncomfortable with it. His mom found out and got a little upset with me and said I have to support him no matter what. I agree with supporting him but I also think that sometimes my boyfriend needs someone to tell him the pros and cons of certain decisions. There were a few other times where she kind of bugged me.
If I do get together with her it would have to be somewhere besides their house because it is just too hard for me to be there and expecting my boyfriend to come through the door any minute.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Nov 12
but courtknee if he is inb the service he is an adultg and has a right to make up his own mind you disagree too many times with his military decisions you could end up screwing up your relationship as t e military is obviously what he
wants.So do be careful and do support him if y ou want to be his wife.
@riyauro (6421)
• India
2 Nov 12
It is good that you are there by his side to help him make certain decisions. very well done. He is big now and it is time that the mother should except it. There are mothers I have seen who do not change with time and have the same behavior always.
I have my mother in law here and she is such a big liar. what she says is 2% truth and 98% lies. this makes me sick. I know she is lying and still she keeps on. she is not changing. people have told me she is always like that. poooh..it is crazy..
@Sindelle (824)
• United States
2 Nov 12
Honestly if you're going to date a military man then you're going to have to toughen up. I know you miss him but he's going to be traveling around and deploying his entire enlistment. Also if he plans on making a career out of this and you plan to stay with him then you'll probably end up in a situation where you're either away from him or your family quite often. Its the life of a military relationship and family. I see marriages and relationships break up all the time because often the civilian cannot understand or handle it. If you love him and it sounds like you do then this is just something you'll have to accept about him. As for the way the mother treated maybe she was just acting jealous. After not seeing her son so long she might of just went into jealous over protective mode. You didn't state what exactly she said but hopefully its no big deal. Also if for some reason his mother decides she doesn't care for you then its a good thing you're dating her son right? I'd look at it this way. Yes, its always wonderful when everyone gets along but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. You know you are a good person and there is no rational reason for his mother not to like you. I'd keep that in mind if she ever makes off color remarks. Also too should it ever happen again you can always try and talk to her about it depending on your relationship with her. Besides if she knows you'll probably end up with her son then hating on you will only push him away too in the end.
1 person likes this
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
2 Nov 12
It's not that I'm not tough, I've actually proven to myself that I'm a lot stronger than I originally thought. The past 6 months haven't been easy and there have been times when I've felt awful. But each time, something brings me back up again and I go back to keeping busy. NO matter how much I get used to him being gone, it still makes my heart ache when I go to his house, see his car, and know that he's not going to be inside waiting for me. That's why I just avoid his house because the rest of the time I'm ok and have adjusted well.
What his mom said wasn't that big of a deal, but at the time, it did upset me and I still haven't let it go. She was a bit rude and sort of talked at me and it just irritated me that her son was only there for a week and he wasn't allowed to do what he wanted to do because she wanted him home to spend time with her. To me, that week was all about my boyfriend and what he wanted to do before he left. I tried to do things with him that he wanted to do and I didn't say no because I knew he had a short time. But I do think she was a little jealous because my manager at work completely understood my situation and I had off while he was here visiting. So every day I'd see him by 9:30 am and we'd hang out all day. His mom had to work and i think she was a little jealous that I got to spend so much time with him and she only saw him a little bit.
I think her and I were very emotional during that week and I just kept getting annoyed with her.She was fine the rest of the time but I couldn't let things go. Now that he's already left I might go to lunch with her one day just to stay in touch with her. Since she knows where the relationship is headed with my boyfriend I think she'll stay nice to me. She's always considered me her second daughter so I think she really does like me. Things will most likely work out in the end.
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
1 Nov 12
You should call her and ask her to lunch one day so you guys can talk. Sound slike you had a good relationship with her and if you do marry your BF, you want to continue to have that. I would make plans to see her around Christmas but not on Christmas day.
1 person likes this
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
2 Nov 12
I might end up doing that eventually lol. I didn't really like the way she acted while my boyfriend was here visiting and she said some things that really offended me so I'm a bit reluctant to see her again.
I'm the type to hold a grudge if something happens and it really takes a while for me to let things go. Maybe lunch will do the trick.
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
1 Nov 12
Yes it can be tough sometimes and there are times when I don't even feel like speaking to his mother or really seeing her because she's said things that have kind of offended me and made me a little upset. If I do meet up with her, it'll have to be at a restaurant because it's just too sad for me to be at their house and expecting to see my boyfriend there too.
@mydanods (6513)
• Nigeria
1 Nov 12
both of you are going through an adjustment phase in your relationship. be thankful there is a warm relationship already. some moms are resentful of their sons ladies because they are over protective or because they are single parents and it took lots of sacrifice to raise their kids.
1 person likes this
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
2 Nov 12
I think she acted strange while he was visiting because she had to work during the week and on Saturdays while I on the other hand, had a very understanding boss who didn't have me work so I could spend time with my boyfriend before he left for Korea. So I got to see him a lot more than everyone else just because I didn't have work and I could do my schoolwork online and I think she was a little jealous that I could spend so much time with him while she couldn't. I think she's starting to realize that her little boy is growing up and eventually he'll be married with a family of his own and it won't just be her anymore.
@ervanaryanto (314)
• Indonesia
2 Nov 12
I understand your feeling, you better stay patient and look to the future with your
boyfriend.. success for you
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
2 Nov 12
hi courtknee i am sorry his mom said offensive things to you yet hugs and kisses you. thats sort of disconcerting on top of missing your boyfriend.Is she elderly
could she be be getting alzeheimer disease or senility? I m ean her behavior seems erratic .of course she misses her son but that offensive behavior seems to
go contrary to what you said about her getting along with you . I wo ld ask her why she has said those offensive things as perhaps she is confused some way'see if you can gently tell her those things she said hurt you as she might not really be aware of what she said as being offensive unless someone does point it out.I
would not just take it as maybe she is just not quite with it.you need to 
; your mother in law to be you need to get things clear with her and not let her offend again.
; your mother in law to be you need to get things clear with her and not let her offend again.@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
2 Nov 12
She's not old at all, I believe she's 44 or 43. The first time she made me upset was when she was telling me how I have to make all these sacrifices and I either support my boyfriend in what he chooses or I can't talk about it to him. To me, it felt like she was trying to control the relationship and tell me what to do. Of course I will support him but sometimes he bounces ideas off me to get my opinion and I usually give him pros and cons while his mom is all for anything he does. But my boyfriend is the type of person who doesn't really think everything through before acting so sometimes he needs someone to tell him the reality of things. By no means do I tell him what to do and not do. The other time was when my boyfriend visited a few weeks ago. The parents are in a weird situation and are separated but not divorced and the dad will still come over and try to act like a family and be demanding and nothing is right unless he's getting what he wants. Well the dad basically told my boyfriend that I had to leave because he wanted "just family". My boyfriend wanted me there but I still had to leave because of the dad. The mom basically talked down to me after that saying they only have a week with him. I understand that but I was kind of hurt because she has always considered me part of the family and now all of a sudden I'm forced to leave when my boyfriend doesn't even want me to. It was his week to visit and I thought he should do what he wanted.
Ever since then I just haven't been able to let things go because of what she's said to me and how she lets the dad boss everyone around even though he no longer lives at the house, she just can't stand up to him or for herself.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
3 Nov 12
Boyfriends mothers are like that but at the end of the day she's still his mother and it still his soon to be wife! Maybe u need to cry it out together. That will help a lot if his mom knew what ur feelin inside.
When I first met his mom she scared me. She was going thru chemo and she lost her hair and I've never seen her without hair until one night (the first night I met his parents) I was coming back from a walk and all the lights were out because no one was home. His parents had a key to get in and so did I and as soon as I walked thru the door I saw a small person walking towards me and I freaked out! That was when my bf had came home and he was like oh mom this is my gf Veronica and she poked me up and down with a sneer in her face. She didn't like the fact that I was younger and how I was at all. I was overweight didn't know or care really how I looked didn't have a job or a car. And he did. I think his mom thought I was mooching off of him and I wasn't. And every time we would see each other she did make an effort to get to know me but I would always ALWAYS feel like she didn't really want to be with me. Or me be with him. I did feel sad and a little depressed. Later on the more she saw me with him and knew that I wasn't going anywhere that's when she started to include me into the circle :)!
Don't stress over it kourtknee :) I know for a fact that his mom is feeling the exact same way as u except maybe more because he will always be his baby. Like I said earlier, u need to cry, let the emotions to because if u don't they're going to bottle over and get mixed up with it other emotions and idk what they are lol!!
Has she told u any stories about how he used to be or anything?! Like embarrassing stories. Like if they lived in that same house for more than 15 or 20 years....that might have been the place he grew up at...
I know that some ppl can't let go.
Like his father. After his wife passed away he had to sell the house because it reminded him so much about his wife. Maybe that house if mom is livening in reminds her soo much of her son she's afraid to leave.
Just talk to her. From inside. :)
@courtknee525 (3742)
• United States
3 Nov 12
Oh wow, it seems like you had a tough mother in law. She's always been nice to me and she's always liked me being with her son and said that being with me has changed him for the better. Now that he's gone I think we're both just really upset and she gets very defensive about things. For a while, my boyfriend wanted to jump out of airplanes in the army. Of course I was nervous about that and thinking that becoming airborne would get him sent to dangerous places. His mom is all for anything he wants to do and doesn't talk things through about the good and the bad like how I do with my boyfriend. When my boyfriend told her that I didn't like the airplane idea, she got a little upset with me saying I need to support him in whatever he does and if I don't agree I just shouldn't say anything.
For the most part she's pretty nice to me but there have been a few times when she's said things that have upset me and it just makes me not want to be around her unless I absolutely have to.
@xiejiaotu (217)
• Malaysia
2 Nov 12
a very sad story heard by you. just looking and staying in his house already make you feel sad i can see how much you love him and miss him. beside your relation with him, your relation with his mother is also one of the things i feel grateful and happy. not everyone can stay good relationship the other half parents but you did it. it is very sweet to know your love and being loved. i think you should tell his mom about how you feel of staying in his house so that even you cannot visit the house but you still can keep in touch with her and have a good time with her like a mother and daughter.
