Thanksgiving dinner and family member announces their divorce
By hoseasmate
@hoseasmate (720)
United States
November 25, 2012 10:22pm CST
I was appalled at the family Thanksgiving dinner where my daughter hosted the dinner for her side of the family and the husband's side of the family. Her father-in-law waited until the meal was served, the prayer said, and then casually announced that he and his wife were divorcing and listed several of the reasons. I was horrified. I can understand that family announcements that bring joy, such as an expected baby, a new job, a job promotion, etc. may be acceptable. Especially Thanksgiving where we usually tell the things that we are thankful for. How can Thanksgiving dinner (of all gatherings) be an appropriate place to make this announcement? He may well have been thankful, so to speak, that the news of the destroyed marriage was finally out in the open, but I was greatly offended and felt a great deal of pity for the young girl who still lived at home and the wife who had to have been humiliated by these disclosures. How am I to act? Do I decline further invitations to the gatherings or just pretend it's all okay?
3 people like this
15 responses
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
26 Nov 12
Wow that is not something that you would expect to hear at the dinner table on Thanksgiving. How did the soon to be ex wife react when he announced it so casually. I don't think I would turn down their invitations because of one incident. It is not the fault of your daughter or her husband. The fault lies with the father-in-law.
@Shellyann36 (11383)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Yes it does sound as if he did it purposely for humilation. I think I would talk to your daughter about the situation before you make any harsh decisions about not going to the Christmas dinner. Good luck.
@prashu228 (37518)
• India
26 Nov 12
yes the FIL being an elder person should think twice before act but he was just not bothered about the family. Yes as he acted like nothing happened and nothing important so other s should keep it aside and think about the celebration.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
It was really impossible to ignore as the entire family (both sides) were very uncomfortable after the announcement. I felt like it was done for humiliation and retaliation without thought of the younger children present. Perhaps once the kids went out to play and the adults were having after dinner drinks would have been a better time. I'm hesitant to show up at the Christmas dinner. I fear it will get a whole lot worse before it gets better.
@chrystalia (1208)
• Tucson, Arizona
26 Nov 12
ummm...Jeepers. Holy Cow. That's a real Thanksgiving surprise-- of the unpleasant kind. Your poor daughter! I would continue to go to gatherings she hosts, of course-- it's not her fault. As to the dad in law-- he sounds like a prime candidate for those morning craziness shows that used to be on TV, and probably are. I wouldn't go to gatherings HE hosts. Heck, If I were his daughter in law, he wouldn't be at my house parties or gatherings anymore, not without an apology to everyone he publicly embarrassed. Some people have no manners. Even if he is thankful he's going to be unmarried, that was just not right.
@chrystalia (1208)
• Tucson, Arizona
27 Nov 12
I would agree with that, since I apparently got divorced twice.. I am sure it wasn't great. At least the dad in law won't be at family gatherings any longer, we hope-- or if he is, he behaves. Really, I can't imagine doing something like that at thanksgiving. Totally rude, in my opinion.
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
Ya think? I thought I was on reality TV! I laughed after and asked what could top that for Christmas. I imagine that the family gatherings will be sans the father-in-law from now on, though. Although, I say that I am happily divorced when referring to my marital status, it was harder to follow the path of divorce than staying married, I believe. I'm afraid that the grass won't be greener, and it will still have to be fertilized and mowed.
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
2 Dec 12
He mighg have thought that there was no use in waitinv for another time for it to be announced. And that,regardless of the occasion, he just felt of letying it out. It may have been difficult for hom to be carrying tbe thought. We just need to understand,people who are going through such phase. I think it's fine to still be cominv to their house for other ocasions. Besides, they are sort of family.
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
3 Dec 12
You're right, too. He should have hold on to it a little longer until the kids are out of earshot. But maybe it was really too much for him and that he cared less whether the kids were there or not.
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
3 Dec 12
I really believe that he wasn't thinking, but that is my opinion. I suppose that he did in fact, feel like he should get it off his chest. I just think that saving it for the after dinner drinks would be better. The kids didn't need to be involved. That is an adult conversation.
@SIMPLYD (90717)
• Philippines
26 Nov 12
I think if i am the host there, i would treat it like it's an ordinary announcement. No need to focus and give others the chance to interrogate, because one of them maybe hurting so much.
It's indeed a shocking news to be announced on a thanksgiving day. Maybe the reason was to humiliate the other partner?
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I can assure you most of us were speechless for most of the rest of the meal. I think it was done for humiliation of the wife because of indiscretion on her part. I felt bad because of the young child present and because my two young grandchilden were also present. They are under four and probably only understood the emotions, rather than the content.
@SIMPLYD (90717)
• Philippines
27 Nov 12
How sad that it should be like that indeed.
It's good that the children cannot understand the issue yet. But i know, the wife was so humiliated and can only grieve for their child who heard about it. 
@leeandrew (1225)
• Philippines
26 Nov 12
That is indeed a horrifying announcement to hear at a Thanksgiving! If it were me there I might had have cried. I don't like divorce, such separation of husband and wife makes me so sad.
My best friends parents had filed a divorce and their whole family's life became very different. My friend got married early, thanks goodness he married the man of her dream and he is a very loving and responsible man.
If I were you I would get offended as well and yes... might decline some invitations until I can fully recover from the terrible feelings and thoughts that I have caused by such announcement.
@leeandrew (1225)
• Philippines
27 Nov 12
That's sad for sure your all heart broken when he announces that specially his children who knew nothing about the announcement. I would cry like crazy myself.
Why would your ex-husband waste his money on divorce? Why marry at all when he cannot stand commitments? I assume that he must have loads of money for divorce process/payments.
Such things needs more time of thinking. I'm sorry for daughter and son-in-law
.
.@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I think a lot of tears were shed. His son cried and that tore me, his mom, and his wife up. The kids didn't know what was going on. They only saw the emotions and how do you explain to a two and four year old the horrid nature of that adult world? Yes I hate divorce, my ex-husband didn't. He's on his third now. I hope that future dinners do not include him and that he can be seen separately from the rest of the family. I don't know how my daughter and son-in-law intend to handle further dinner invitations.
1 person likes this
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
5 Dec 12
How to ruin Thanksgiving for the rest of the family, your daughter's father-in-law did just that. I would write him a letter or phone him and tell him that he was cruel and how inappropriate that cruel and humiliating announcement was - especially at a holiday with the rest of the family. Yes, I would decline invitations. I would do everything to support your daughter and your son-in-law, if I were you. If it is not OK, it is OK NOT to pretend. I would also be offended.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
8 Dec 12
I have really wondered what will happen if they are invited back for Christmas. I haven't heard yet whether my daughter will have the over again very soon. There were a lot of people offended...the saddest is the young daughter that still lives at home. I think I will send an e-mail. He sent one to me 'dressing me down' for something he felt was an offense on my part. And really, it was just his opinion that differed from mine. He is rather abrasive!
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
26 Nov 12
Maybe if things in the family have been going bad, it was meant to be a good announcement. I know my kids were upset when me and their dad split up but through a lot of the years we had all been unhappy and my kids wanted us to divorce so they no longer had to hear the constant arguing that was going on.
I imagine that if that was the Thanksgiving announcement, there couldn't be anything more shocking to announce at another gathering.
I do think it was something that should have been between the family members and not extended family. Like my kids, though, for the young girl still living at home, it might be one of the best things that could happen to her. It has changed my kids in a good way.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
My daughter was reared in a broken home and seems none the worse for it. It was not something that I choose, but it was something that I made the best out of. I fear that this divorce won't be amicable and that they will attempt to force others to take sides. I didn't speak any bad about the kids father, even though I thought it. I wanted them to make up their own minds and they did. They don't have a relationship with him and they made their own decisions about it. I hope that this young girl will not be caught up in feeling it was her fault and that she will be allowed to have a good relationship with both parents and all us other family members.
@dragon54u (31633)
• United States
26 Nov 12
If you decline further invitations it will be your daughter that suffers. Obviously, her husband's family has no sense of personal dignity and has never been taught proper social behavior. This is something you will have to accept. It's a shame that people no longer know how to behave in a social setting but there seems to be no limits these days on what one can say or do. Good manners, which are actually nothing but consideration of others, are mostly gone and all you can do is continue to set a good example. Your daughter's in-laws are the norm now rather than the exception.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
Well it goes without saying that some social retardation may be present in the genes. I'm sure that I was not raised like that and I would never have accepted that behavior from my children. I'm afraid you may be correct about them being the social norm. I thought I was on the Jerry Springer show. No hidden cameras, only hidden motives, I suppose. I'm sure that my daughter will lay some ground rules before hosting another such dinner.
@joliefille (3690)
• Philippines
27 Nov 12
That's sad to hear. And you even mentioned that he "casually announced". He does sound like he cares more about his freedom than the occasion and the people in it.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
28 Nov 12
Yes, it was much to casual for me and much to out of place for a celebration meal. All of us will remember this Thanksgiving meal for a lifetime because of the devastating effect on the younger kids present. I can think of no justification for creating such a horrible memory of a family gathering.
@macdingolinger (10385)
• United States
26 Nov 12
Totally distasteful and inappropriate! He should have done it at a different time. He just wanted to soil the Thanksgiving holiday for everyone for years to come. THis was definitely not the right time to make this type of a family announcement. what a jerk!
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
We must certainly think a lot alike! I was mortified because of the young teenager present and because my grandkids should never have been exposed to that type behavior. And to think that my daughter wouldn't invite her sister because she was afraid she'd have to explain her inappropriate behavior. Oops! Don't think my other daughter could hold a candle to that one.
1 person likes this
@prashu228 (37518)
• India
26 Nov 12
ohh that's so sad, he choose the thanksgiving day for announcing the divorce. But dont think about that, what ever happened is happened that was not in your control , so better be normal and continue like that so that others wont feel any disturbance or any sort of sadness.
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
Thankfully I live out of town and was able to 'escape' begging a long drive home. Whew! For once I was grateful for the long drive. I refuse to weigh in on the action because I won't take sides. I believe the announcement was in extremely poor taste, but it is done and it's time for damage control.
@mariaperalta (19073)
• Mexico
26 Nov 12
Terrible.. why would anyone ruin a great day for everyone by doing that?
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I blame it on a jerk gene. He must have been born that way and couldn't help himself. I can't conceive of any other explanation. Their daughter is a teenager and was at the table. My heart went out to her. The kids didn't need to be involved in such an adult dicussion.
@Mavic123456 (21891)
• Thailand
26 Nov 12
How do you feel about it? You felt awkward right? that means to say that you are not ready for any gatherings they will invite you in. Yes, that was a shocking thankful announcement. I bit odd. If you are okay with it, then i think it is not a problem if you accept invitations from them. Weigh your thoughts, will you be happy attending to their gatherings after what have happened. Does the divorce directly related to you?
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I felt horrible...most especially because the young teenage daughter was present. Nope I think I'll have to miss the next one if the 'outlaws' are there. I won't have to really deal with any of the aftermath except with my grandkids. However, one is two and the other four. All I think they really understood was the uncomfortable emotions and not really understood the why.
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I was too shocked to say a word...and for most of the rest of the time that I was there. I was rather put out that he didn't wait to say something until after the kids went outside to play. They should not have been included in such an adult conversation.
@ladybugmagic (3978)
• United States
26 Nov 12
Awkward ....
Do you think maybe the husband and soon-to-be ex-wife intended for the announcement to be done together, all at once while all the family was there? Like a way to show, they were okay with it and the split would not harm the family? Or was it the soon-to-be ex-husband just being a bit of a jerk?
1 person likes this
@hoseasmate (720)
• United States
27 Nov 12
I think it falls in the jerk category simply because the daughter who still lives at home with them was present at the table. I felt like making the announcement in her presence will mar her memories of what should have been a good one to cherish for years to come.
