controlling parent; some kind of privileged imprisonment

@cluelle (132)
Canada
November 27, 2012 10:39am CST
I'm not really expecting replies here. This'll get rambling. All my life, my father has been overprotective, and that was almost okay. There are some crappy people in the world, and I've bumped into a few. But starting in middle school,he was much worse. He was eternally suspicious and ill-treating boys who were my friends, he would assume my female friends were on drugs if they slept in or were promiscuous if they liked clothes he didn't like. He grew up conservative, he's better now, but the poison remains. My friends were normal, nice kids. If we made stupid jokes, they were jokes kids make. He homeschooled me so I wouldn't be influenced by "Self-entitled brats". He is the most self-entitled person I have ever met; everyone owes something to him; he rarely pays back favors; talks down about everyone; denigrates anything he isn't interested in; brings the cheapest store-bought crap to a potluck. Apparently, America owes me a pell grant, even though I've been a canadian resident since high school. I'm pretty sure part of this is some deep-rooted sexism. We live like the effing Bennet sisters from Pride and Prejudice, but with General Tilney for a father. I'm a short woman... I'm twenty now. He still grounds me, denies me transportation, implies by every action that I owe him more than he owes me. He's never made it even a little easy to get a job, he;s suspicious of charities and hates to give free time, so I never got to volunteer and make good connections that way. Employers look at my resume and wonder why it's SO EMPTY when I'm twenty years old. That looks really good when trying to apply for scholarships, too. I don't have any freedom to choose what I want to learn in university or trade school because he can simply deny me money by "not supporting my decision" even though "I'm free to choose whatever I like, I'm a big girl after all." I don't have a license, and could never afford a car without his help. When I tried learning to drive, he was the worst teacher. I'd never be able to use the family car for the test without his permission, and we live in a rural area. The very worst part... we're pretty damned comfortable. I wasn't kidding about the P&P reference. We're at that level of income... not great... not awful... usual debts. The house is nice, the land is nice, food,etc. From the outside, it must look like I'm unhappy for no reason. What else do I need if it's all provided? I don't own anything. I barely have any skills to offer. I don't meet people, so I'll have a hard time even marrying out if this, and I geel guilty expecting him to contribute to my college fund NOW because at twenty, I'm TOO D***NED OLD FOR THIS. I don't know what to do anymore. Ride the wave and hope he wins the lottery, I guess. If I leave, I'll just be dependent on whoever is nice enough to take me in. Probably more trouble than I'm worth. I don't really know anymore.
1 person likes this
3 responses
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
28 Nov 12
Hello, cluelle! I am so sorry if you are trapped in this kind of situation. But the good thing is, you are aware of why you have become that way. And that should be reason enough for you to stand on your own feet and start going through your own life. You are old enough to do things on your own. You just need to have enough courage to go out and explore. Go find a decent job that can help you pay your own apartment and help yourself climb up. If you allow yourself to be stuck in that house, you'll grow old not seeing the beauty of life and not experiencing all the wonderful things that life can offer. Surely there are a lot of obstacles that may come your way, but let them be your lesson in making your life better in the future.
@cluelle (132)
• Canada
28 Nov 12
Thanks, jenny. I am always looking for a way to break off; I'm not really a fighter until at the breaking point, and I'm often struck by how things might go horribly wrong if I leave - not in a glorifying way, but that I can mediate between the strong personalities of my family and make things less explosive sometimes. I'm pushing myself outwards, a little at a time, trying to make some real friends and connections. I often think about how much easier that would be if I weren't naturally shy and introverted! But I am working on it.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
29 Nov 12
Well, I am glad to know that you are slowly learning your way "out". We can not be forever behind the shadows of our parents. And in time, we need to be standing up on our own feet. I'll pray that you may be able to overcome this part of your life and hopefully make yourself a really bright future ahead.
@doroffee (4222)
• Hungary
27 Nov 12
Oh, dear. My situation is a lot better, but I've suffered from overprotective parents as well. I also could never go out with friends, almost all of the kids my mother saw as threats and criminals, she wouldn't let me use public transport, in my late teens she didn't let me walk home at night (but not midnight, but like 9pm or 10pm) from a place that was 2 streets from home... well, actually, you should try to free yourself. I don't know about your country, but at least, in my country, people over 18 can do student jobs, and it's not THAT rare if someone doesn't work until his university years are over. They could also go to boarding schools and colleges and get some funds as well. I feel for you, please don't give up
@cluelle (132)
• Canada
27 Nov 12
I have to laugh... at myself. It's so easy in Canada, and I know so much more terrible things happen around the world - in my own country -, right now, but there's a point where the situation is just awful and inescapable on a personal level. I'm always looking... and I dread having to make myself dependent on other people when I finally have an opportunity to leave, while I'm growing out of the stunting that's happened.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
28 Nov 12
It's a great thing to see a parent who really cares for child and guides and nurtures them. it is also overwhelming to see a parent get totally lost in their control as a parent. the limit can be pushed too far and the parent loses everything they have gained with the child. that kind of control is not what a child needs.