How would I tell my hubby to be responsible?
By Jenith
@Jenith (1381)
Philippines
January 8, 2013 6:50am CST
Trying to be good, be positive no matter what and be a responsible wife but how could I do that if my husband is not doing his part. I woke up early in the morning to cook our breakfast and not even disturbing my husband's sleep so he could rest well to have enough energy to take care of our 4-yr old kiddo and manage our small business at home. Lately, our business income went down and he just left my son playing on the computer all day til I arrived from work. And now my son is telling me that my hubby has a visitor and they drink the whole time and got drunk. I felt so bad. My husband never told me what he has done for the whole day. I just wonder why he got asleep right after our dinner at 6:00pm and he usually sleep at 11:00pm. I keep asking my son, and he told me what happened. Though, he is not that fluent to talk but I can understand by asking lot of questions. I felt discouraged thinking that the money for our business came from my pocket and some borrowed from my parents and herecomes my husband never ever contribute any amount and still he got guts to do this to me! Is he normal?
4 people like this
6 responses
@iva75cpb (729)
• Bulgaria
8 Jan 13
If this hasn't been the situation before, I'm guessing some acute breakdown has happened with your husband, something that he's been trying to hide from you, which results in this abnormal behaviour of his. In this case a serious conversation might enlighten the problem and eventually you both can reach a solution.
Or, on the other hand, your husband might have just seen that you are responsible and money making enought to support the family budget and family business, and he just dropped all his responsibilities, waiting for you to feed the house. I mean he just got lazy once he saw you can do everything yourself. Then why bother?, he might have askied himself, I don't know. In this case I'm not sure you can solve the problem yourself, unless you just pull the financial plug and see what happens...
@iva75cpb (729)
• Bulgaria
10 Feb 13
In general notions, that have been ruling the evolution, a man is responsible for supporting the family. On the other hand, women have been growing more and more professionaly and they're not simply housewives anymore. Maybe your husband decided to take a break from his responsibilities for a while and see what happens when you take the burden. If you think of it as of some kind of an experiment of his, then you might want to play his game on the opposite side and do what I suggested - just pull the plug and see what happens. Young or old, if he is healthy enough, he must not let you be the man in the house. Let him learn his lesson. Or you just play the game, too.
@Jenith (1381)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
I'm just afraid that my son would be affected because of his dad's fault. If it's just the two of us it's easy to do a lot of things. But then, I don't want my son to feel that something wrong. As young as he is, I want him to experience how beautiful life is.
@SIMPLYD (90722)
• Philippines
9 Jan 13
You have to talk to your husband about what's going on in your business. See if he answers you honestly, not in accordance with what your son have told you. If he lies, then you should tell him what you know and plead with him to attend to you business or it would be gone.
Pray that your business can still be saved.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Feb 13
How long has this been going on? How old is your husband? Those questions are important. Some guys are just ok with being supported and feel no need at all to pull their own weight or do their fair share to contribute toward the family. They are like having another child. If it is out of character for him to be like this then it could be that he is depressed from being out of work and feels hopeless. If it is a one-time incident, I would just let it go.
What I really don't think you should do (and I do understand why you'd be tempted) is to involve your 4 yr old son. Please don't put him in the middle of you and your husband's problems. When he realizes that by answering your questions, he contributed to your marriage problems, he will feel so so so bad. He may not understand now but he WILL remember and understand later on when he is a bit older. Don't put him in that spot.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Feb 13
Hi Jenith,
At 35, you would expect him to be a bit more responsible. Now that you tell more though, it sounds as if his parents enabled him to be like this and continue to do so. A marriage should be 2 adults doing their fair share for the sake of the marriage and the relationship. It doesn't sound as if he is doing that. Even in the case of a woman staying home while the husband works, she usually will clean, cook, care for the children etc. She contributes. It is not right that you are doing everything. I have never been one to feel that anyone owed me a free ride and I also worked for what I have since I was very very young. I would be having some serious talks with him and one thing that he really should stop doing is involving his parents in your personal arguments. That just gives them and him fuel and probably helps him feel right in this.
@Jenith (1381)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
How long has this been going on? Since we've been together. He can't think of his own. He was too dependent with his parents. Well, it's just fine if his parents are acting as one but they are not. In fact, they contribute to ruin us. Irresponsible parents. Sorry to say that but it's the reality. Everytime we fight as couple, they only hear their son's feelings and not asking my side. Then, they would say bad stuff about me. They don't even realize, that I was so desperate in this family thinking that I have done a lot by providing everything specially on financial matter. I work hard when I was still single because I want to be independent at all times. But not because I want to be a breadwinner to my own family! So sad to realize that they don't even see that.
HE was 35 now but he's not acting in his age.
I don't know if he is depressed coz he is not saying anything. Lately, he renewed his passport coz he wanted to work abroad. Then, now he changed his mind. He don't even think the money spent by renewing his passport? He paid the "express" coz he wants to have his passport renewed as soon as possible. I told him to have it "ordinary" coz he is not in a hurry and it's a bit expensive if it's express. Now, his passport was in his cabinet sleeping!
@Jenith (1381)
• Philippines
10 Feb 13
There are lot of men out there who is like him. I want him to be motivated of whatever his plan for us to have a better life. For now, he is contented of nothing which makes me so desperate. I feel so weak thinking how could he do that to me. I work so hard for a living and he never did the same.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
8 Jan 13
Your husband is kind of useless and he behaves like that as well. You wake up, do your things quit so he can sleep. From now on you won't let him sleep. He needs a scedule for his life. So At the same time everybody is out of bed and will do his/her job.
See what your husband can do, like making breakfast, walking the dog or getting your son dressed etc. Make a list about the things he has to do (cooking, cleaning, taking your son outside to a playground, the laundry etc etc).
The more you will do, the less use he has which is not great to know.
Also set rules about when to drink, when to invite friends or not.
Also discuss with your husband how you (so he also) will pay back the money borrowed from your parents plus you!
I am afraid this is kind of normal behaviour to men. As long as you accept it nothing will change. So set the rules, and also tell him when the goals (or the limit) is reached. If he is not willing to work or build a life together you better kick him out! I also advice you to start saving for yourself a bit so you can manage if it would come that far.
1 person likes this
@ZoeJoy (1392)
• United States
13 Jan 13
NO, this is NOT normal. Your husband should not be drinking. Or leaving your son on the computer all day.
I would suggest to you to go to marriage counseling.
there should be good and honest communication between a husband and a wife. Both have equality and both need to be responsible.
Of course you are discouraged, you have a right to be. So, you need to talk to your husband and honestly ask what is going on. And he needs to be honest with you.
Otherwise, you need to do all you can to protect your money and the money that was borrowed from your husband. And you both need to get some counseling.
Sorry to hear that your husband is not being responsible. I hope things can work out the best for you.
