How can we say things in a manner that hurts the least?

Philippines
February 12, 2013 11:12pm CST
I have been thinking, is there anyway we could make hurtful things hurt less? Like how can you say to a mother that her child is dying, and at the same time hope that she would remain calm, and not cover herself with unending tears? I was faced with this question when I heard my aunt underwent a brain surgery because of aneurysm and was state in coma. Being the closest relative, I had to go to her place, which is around 5 hours of train ride. When I arrived there, I heard the story of what happened, and what may about to happen, and had to relay this to my family and relatives, esp to her mother and children. It was a big responsibility for me since it was only I who could easily go there while they cannot because of lack of passport, visa, money, etc. And no much time. I had to talk to my relatives through skype and I had to compose myself whenever I talk to them. I couldn't just break down and cry. I had to find the right words--the words that would heal not worsen the wound. But I am not sure if I did a good job on that. I had to say to them the small chance of my aunt recovering. I had seen them cry. They were so far away but the weight of their pain was so close that I, too, could feel it pulling down my heart. Is there an easy way to say that a loved one will soon be no longer with us? And so my aunt passed away after a week of being unconscious, and I asked myself again, how could I say that without really breaking their hearts. But there was no other way but to say it and break their hearts. Hurtful things will always hurt however you say them. What matters is what you do after--that you comfort each other; that you become each other's strength; that whatever happens next, you still have each other. Things that hurt us will sooner or later happen to us, more often than not, but as long as we have a Big God to depend on, we know for sure that we will always come out victorious, and as better people.
1 person likes this
8 responses
@Mavic123456 (21898)
• Thailand
14 Feb 13
sad.... but you have no other wAy but to tell them in any way this is hurtful and they need to know. i suggest to tell it to someine you think is strong in the family then with his person think of ways on how to tell to the rest. you haveno other choice but do it. it is the truth and it is real
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
That is true, you need to say it first to the person whom you know could really handle the situation well especially if you think you couldn't do it by yourself. And honestly, saying it the first time could be very really hard and painful,but after you have spilled out everything, you would really feel relief. It's like a thorn has been removed from your heart. Still the pain is in there, but the fact that you have expressed and finally said it, could really be therapeutic.
@Mavic123456 (21898)
• Thailand
14 Feb 13
Why me???? I am not in this position but your are...
@Chico1793 (135)
• United States
14 Feb 13
i was in the same position as you 7 years ago. my brother had been shot a second time (a year ago the first time) and they told me on the phone he might not make it he received a bullet to the skull he was in critical condition. it was my mom's mom birthday that day. my mother came home and me and my sister in law told my mom and dad to go to the hospital my brother was in the hospital that was all we told them he's ok just go. it took me everything not to cry when i told them that i was 12. once they left i burst into tears. the next day my parents came home filled with tears. my brother passed away. they were with him at his last moments those were one of the worst moments i had gone through. may he be in the heavens looking down at us watching over us.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
I am so sorry to hear that. You were very brave for a 12 years old boy. I don't know what could have I done if I were in your position and your age. I might have been crying and crying not getting out a single word. I believe it was one of the most painful events in your life, being it the birthday of your mom, which is supposed to be a day of celebration, yet your brother was shot and passed away. I hope you already have recovered from that painful experience. As a child back then, it could have caused you trauma that might haunt you for the rest of your life.
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
there is no way of escaping the pain, but in our hearts we just have to learn to accept that inevitable will eventually happen .. when i was in my 20s, i used to fear that the time will come and my parents will left me, i cried at night evertime i think of it. i sleep everytime my dad would go somewhere or to travel, in order not to think of somethimg bad. but when it actually happen, i looked back, God prepare me for that day, dad did not leave us without making sure i will have someone to lean on, pain is still there, but i just think he is in better place and still watching over us.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (215405)
• Chile
14 Feb 13
I think that there`s no way to say those things in a way that it doesn`t hurt. And it depends on each person how he or she will react to what is happening. Becauuse the reaction has nothing to do with wordinds but with situations. I know this because I have lived it myself.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
Well, yes, I agree that we can't really control how people feel and how would they react on the situation. But I believe that we could at least help in making things not worse by doing our best to tell them calmly and somehow reassuring them through our words and presence that even something bad has just happened, we are there, present, willing to comfort them. It is not easy I know. I could tell it myself. But we have to be strong for them, especially if all they could do is hear the news from you.
@sender621 (14894)
• United States
13 Feb 13
I thinkthat honesty is the best place to begin. When we speak about sometingin honesty and truth we can get our points across with the least amount of hurt and suffering. Things can be said calmly and rationally as well. You don't have to shout from the rooftops to make your feelings be heard.
• Philippines
13 Feb 13
There are people who couldn't handle these kinds of news and all they could do is shout to make themselves feel better. But I agree that things could be said calmly and rationally. Yet sometimes we forget these two when we are emotionally stressed, and the pain is just too much to bear.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
13 Feb 13
No matter how we make things seems nice and make use of the most subtle words but with the hurtful truth, pain would sure ensue. We just need to be strong to face such issues in our lives.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Feb 13
Yes, pain is pain. The fact never changes no matter how you say it. But the way you say could really make a little difference. And that difference may be good enough to save someone from depression, heart attack, or any other sudden panic.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
14 Feb 13
Exactly! And I guess, proper timing, too, counts. Coz you want to relay something that somehow you wouldn't want that person to pass out.
@tipay26 (867)
• Philippines
13 Feb 13
Hi there, if I were on your situation I would not know what to do if ever that same situation happens.The best solution I can ever think of is that tell my relatives about what happened.I will think of right words to say for them to be calm and not surprised.I will compose myself more when delivering the news to them because I know that what reaction they see in me will have a big effect on how they will accept the news.They will be hurt that is a given scenario but we can't do anything about it.The only thing that we can do is to support each other and have faith in Him that as a family or a relative we can overcome this reality of life.I am still a believer of the saying that "God will never give us something that we can't take and these types of situations are just trials and tests on how we will cope and adapt to a current situation .We are all human beings we get hurt and we stumble.The most awaited event is that how can we stand up again and face reality that our life here on earth is just a gift worth caring for.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Feb 13
Based on what you think you would do, you would probably do the same thing as I did. And that makes me feel more affirmed. Indeed, the way we say makes a difference even how small that could be. I commend you for saying that you would stay calm, composed and find the right words to make it easier for them to accept the painful news. I agree that God won't let us struggles that we could never overcome. His grace is sufficient enough for us as stated in 2 Corinthians. I always believe that God has plans for us, and these plans are for our betterment, and not to make us hate or go away from Him. We just have to trust and believe in Him.
@blackrusty (3519)
• Mexico
14 Feb 13
there is no easy way to tell any family member that a person is about to die or could die the only thing i would say is please go vist the person as you may not see them again ask them to remain as calm as they can and try to remember all the happy times shared together and if they belive in god tell them they will see the person again in heave sorry you had to go though all of this
• Mexico
14 Feb 13
god bless and i am happy that you can cope with all that is going to happen with the up coming event and you said it already you shall see each other again in the kingdom of heave where there is no pain and sickness you be well and go with God and i will keep you in my thoughts though out the day