Is There Any Such Thing As Honesty?
By Janey1966
@Janey1966 (24170)
Carlisle, England
March 6, 2013 8:00am CST
I have no doubt that John gambles more than he says he does. I would dearly love to take his phone off him (that he can bet on without my knowledge) and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.
I know you think I should confront him about it but he will lie so what's the point? I know he's not gambling as much as he used to as he doesn't have a credit card anymore. However, could he have a virtual version? Who knows?
Whatever is happening at the moment, one thing I do know is that he's skint. So skint in fact he's digging his heels in about taking Flojo to the vets. At one time he'd drive her there like a shot (the one in Penrith that's open when John isn't at work). Yes, we have the bog-standard Frontline for her fleas but I've had cats all my life and I KNOW a flea allergy when I see one.
She needs the more potent stuff PLUS an injection from the vet. Mum's cat Ellie-Babes had a flea allergy and she was virtually bald on her back. After the injection her fur grew back again. In Flojo's case she has scabs (that John picks off, not helping matters one bit) on her neck and back and the fur there is thinning out rapidly. She also scratches her ears so I suspect she has mites in them.
I am powerless to do anything about this, however. If I had the money I could put her in the carrier and walk her to the vets just round the corner (it has strange opening hours) and I DO realise how hard John works for his money BUT gambling with some of it makes me think..'Well, what's the point of ME working..it would just encourage John to gamble more.'
He hasn't stopped his nights out to the snooker either. £25 he spends per week and that's throughout the autumn and winter as he plays both snooker and pool earlier on in the season. I don't begrudge his night out once a week but WE only go out New Year's Eve! Since we've stopped going to football matches the socialising has stopped - at least for me.
It must be lovely to be married to someone you KNOW is honest with his or her finances. The top and bottom of it is..John doesn't earn enough (even with his promotion) to cover bills and he's gambling to try and compensate for this. The thing is, gambling is a mug's game but he's refusing to admit it.
Gone are the days when I could supervise his gambling on my computer. Like I said, he does it via his phone now so I have no idea how much he's losing (if he was winning he would tell me about it) lol.
One thing I regret above anything else in my life is not saving up for a deposit on a house whilst living at Mum's. I didn't live there 'board free' by the way. I was quite generous with my money but if I'd set aside more on a weekly basis - granted, I may not have been able to get a house then but I would've been able to NOW.
My cousin is shacked up to someone she's not married to (no kids) and she left her flat in Lytham (nice place) to be with him. After meeting him I'm not convinced it will last but I hope I'm proved wrong. I guess she won't marry him as she's already 'been there, done that!'
I know you think I should confront him about it but he will lie so what's the point? I know he's not gambling as much as he used to as he doesn't have a credit card anymore. However, could he have a virtual version? Who knows?
Whatever is happening at the moment, one thing I do know is that he's skint. So skint in fact he's digging his heels in about taking Flojo to the vets. At one time he'd drive her there like a shot (the one in Penrith that's open when John isn't at work). Yes, we have the bog-standard Frontline for her fleas but I've had cats all my life and I KNOW a flea allergy when I see one.
She needs the more potent stuff PLUS an injection from the vet. Mum's cat Ellie-Babes had a flea allergy and she was virtually bald on her back. After the injection her fur grew back again. In Flojo's case she has scabs (that John picks off, not helping matters one bit) on her neck and back and the fur there is thinning out rapidly. She also scratches her ears so I suspect she has mites in them.
I am powerless to do anything about this, however. If I had the money I could put her in the carrier and walk her to the vets just round the corner (it has strange opening hours) and I DO realise how hard John works for his money BUT gambling with some of it makes me think..'Well, what's the point of ME working..it would just encourage John to gamble more.'
He hasn't stopped his nights out to the snooker either. £25 he spends per week and that's throughout the autumn and winter as he plays both snooker and pool earlier on in the season. I don't begrudge his night out once a week but WE only go out New Year's Eve! Since we've stopped going to football matches the socialising has stopped - at least for me.
It must be lovely to be married to someone you KNOW is honest with his or her finances. The top and bottom of it is..John doesn't earn enough (even with his promotion) to cover bills and he's gambling to try and compensate for this. The thing is, gambling is a mug's game but he's refusing to admit it.
Gone are the days when I could supervise his gambling on my computer. Like I said, he does it via his phone now so I have no idea how much he's losing (if he was winning he would tell me about it) lol.
One thing I regret above anything else in my life is not saving up for a deposit on a house whilst living at Mum's. I didn't live there 'board free' by the way. I was quite generous with my money but if I'd set aside more on a weekly basis - granted, I may not have been able to get a house then but I would've been able to NOW.
My cousin is shacked up to someone she's not married to (no kids) and she left her flat in Lytham (nice place) to be with him. After meeting him I'm not convinced it will last but I hope I'm proved wrong. I guess she won't marry him as she's already 'been there, done that!'5 people like this
9 responses
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
11 Mar 13
Oh I see...I misunderstood when you said "what's the point of me working?" . I see now I read it incorrectly. I was thinking that you were buying all the decorating furniture items and things and the renovating stuff with your money. Got the wrong end of it I did. 
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
10 Mar 13
I do stay at home, whatever gave you the idea that I worked lol.
2 people like this
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
6 Mar 13
I used to get mad at my husband for spending most of his time with c0ckfighting. He didn't have work that time and so I was the one working for the family. What ticked me off is when his mom thought that I was spending my hard earned money for myself. I didn't know that she gives my husband money every month for our daily expenses. It was later on that I knew about it and he was spending that money with his vice. Cruel, right? This caused us to had an annulment back then but good thing, I still wanted to try to make the marriage work.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
7 Mar 13
So I guess by what you've said that you're not together anymore? I'm a bit confused.
You're right about the c0ckfighting being cruel though.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
7 Mar 13
At least you came through it so I have to commend you for that my friend.
I don't give up too easily either!
@jenny1015 (13359)
• Philippines
7 Mar 13
I almost gave up on the marriage. Coz more than the vice, there was something more to it. But we decided to give it a try. We're still together. But it was a close call really.
@MoonGypsy (4605)
• United States
7 Mar 13
sorry that your husband is gambling more than he should. i hope he doesn't have a problem.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
7 Mar 13
I don't think he'd be able to hide it from me if he was but I take on board you concerns. At least he got some money back from the dentist today (long story) so I've told him that's got to go on treating the cat next week!
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
6 Mar 13
Well obviously John doesn't tell you because he doesn't want to hear it. However, if his gambling is making it difficult to keep up with necessary bills, it's a problem. There must be some way to find out where the money's going and confront him with the total. I bet even John doesn't know how much in total it is, just each little amount here and there...
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Mar 13
There have been some changes since our last major set-to about gambling, the main one being that his bills are paid via direct debit. I also know that his overdraft with the bank is quite large (6 grand I think it is) as opposed to going down the credit card route as back up. As far as I know he's never gone beyond the 6k as that would be a major catastrophe..and he knows that too. Not even he could hide that from me.
The main problem he has now is that he has no extra money as it's all going on bills, whether they be TV/broadband, gas/electric, water, petrol (a major expense as he travels 20 miles to work) and food. He is earning a lot more than he used to when he gambled relentlessly but the difference now is, there is nothing extra. He does have a brilliant Pension pot, thankfully, that he set up years before he met me and that's not been affected by the recession, thank God but it doesn't seem right having to wait until he retires before we can settle down comfortably. I have a frozen Pension from the Council too that rises a bit each year.
I could go on the game but I wouldn't make any money!
@MandaLee (3804)
• United States
6 Mar 13
Hi Janey,
One of my friends also has a problem with gambling. Since he gambles, he can't pay his bills or manage his finances. It would be a good idea to confront your husband about his gambling. There are organizations that can help him stop gambling and get his finances in order.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Mar 13
Hi MandaLee, John doesn't have a major problem with gambling..it's just sad that he has to gamble in the first place in order to make some extra money. If the bills weren't so high (especially his petrol for the car) I'm convinced he wouldn't be tempted so much.
He told me he only gambles with what he can afford to lose. This is probably true as we'd be out on the streets by now if it wasn't.
Thanks for your concern.
@changjiangzhibin89 (17243)
• China
7 Mar 13
Generally,gamblers report only the good news and hold back the bad.They can't win on the whole.If John figures on covering bills partly,he has another thinking coming.I wonder how much John would win or lose each time.I mean you needn't care about it if he does it in a small way.You don't get me wrong,I never gamble.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
10 Mar 13
He had learned to gamble with what he can afford to lose (apparently) but I never gamble (or very rarely gamble to be exact) as I have no money to lose..if that makes sense.
I guess, if he's got a little money left over from the bills, he will gamble with it, in smaller amounts.
Gone are the days he was losing £50 a time.
@changjiangzhibin89 (17243)
• China
11 Mar 13
He only wants to take his chance.He knows better than to gamble with a large amount of money,so you needn't worry about it.
@kprofgames (3089)
• United States
6 Mar 13
I haven't lived through a gambling problem. My ex drank like a fish but gambling he didn't. If he's doing this by phone then he must have internet on his phone? If money is tight then why not drop the internet from his phone and just make is a standard cell phone for calling only. That would save you a bit each month.
I can understand your thinking why work if it's putting more money in the pot for him to gamble with, but I agree with what was said here that you should be looking out for yourself too.
Getting a job and saving your money (he should still be paying 1/2 the bills in your household) then you would have a fall back on when you need it. It's hard to live in todays world with inflation and cost of living without having a problem that drains your finances even more.
I am all for honesty but if he's got that kind of addiction, and it is, then maybe even get something part time during the hours that he works so he wouldn't know what you're doing. You can always talk about it later, that you felt you had to hide it because of his gambling. Maybe he would wake up that it is hurting your relationship because he can't be honest about his problem.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Mar 13
He does actually pay all the bills. Always has done even when I did work for a time. He refused to take any money off me so what could I do? I couldn't force it on him.
We don't have a joint account, not that there's much in mine.
@marguicha (230365)
• Chile
6 Mar 13
I understand about addictions: I myself am the addiction type of person although I have set my own limits when I get near a casino. Maybe you could talk this over with your husband, not judging him but trying to set up some common goals as money goes. But I have read several posts made by you and you buy lots of things for your house. I would say that you spend a more than reasonable amount of money in lamps and chandeliers and in painting and repainting your house. I thought that house was yours, but now it seems that you are renting. Is that true? I don`t know what to say, dear friend, but I hope you solve part of your problems. Maybe if John wasn`t so stressed over earning little, he wouldn`t gamble so much.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Mar 13
The house is mortgaged which is rare these days but John lived here a few years before I came along, so he's been used to having his own way with money. He still does as he is the wage earner, I don't work and any money I have comes from him (nothing significant), my Mum (birthdays, Christmas) and my brother (birthdays, Christmas), MyLot or web testing. I don't qualify for benefits of any kind.
However, I'm not in debt, which is something. At least John doesn't have to worry about any of that. The problem he has are the bills keep going up and he just about has enough money to cover them. Petrol, for example is a big expense as he works 20 miles away. The price per litre can vary wildly from week to week. We don't skimp on food either although we don't 'go mad' like many people do. We never buy food we don't need and just have the odd treat now and then. Anything with chocolate on it is severely restricted due to price, mainly, but also I don't want to get more massive than I am already lol.
I have to accept the fact John gambles. He has learned to stop once he loses as he used to try and recoup his losses by gambling again. I know when he loses as he doesn't say anything (the horse racing will be on TV on Saturday but he gambles via his phone) but when he wins he goes, 'We have a WINNER!' and I get excited for him. He doesn't bet as MUCH as he used to but there again, he might be placing a bet on the sly that I don't know about, this is what gamblers do, right?
I did warn him many moons ago (when he had a credit card and was using that for gambling and I read out his statement to him) that I won't live with someone who will risk losing EVERYTHING, i.e. the house in order to gamble. He doesn't have a physical credit card now, but, like I said, he could still be using the virtual version, although I've never seen a paper statement since our argument and he did cut the card up in front of me. However, bills are paperless now aren't they? So, he could, quite easily, access an account online on his eMAC upstairs, or even on his phone. The accounts I know about, namely BetVictor and Sky, I've not seen credit card numbers on there. Let's hope the same can be true for Ladbrokes and Coral!
@WakeUpKitty (8691)
• Netherlands
6 Mar 13
It doesn't matter that your days are gone you checked his gambling on the computer, even if he was still using his computer, sooner or later one get tired of that. I think you can still make a plan for yourself, start saving. Perhaps not for a house but you will feel better.
It's a bit hard for me to understand why John is gambling but I assume he is missing some kind of excitement.
And if it comes to your cousin... you never know what will/can happen, even if she has been married before.
@Janey1966 (24170)
• Carlisle, England
6 Mar 13
John has always been a gambler and did more of it when he wasn't in a relationship with me. Because he was living on his own he could get away with it. His parents know he gambles but just tell him to be 'careful' and that's that, although there's not a lot they can do to MAKE him stop..no-one can, that's the point.
I have to trust him that he's not got into serious debt with it but I did live with a guy who was dishonest in other ways..I tend to attract them as I'm easy to lie to, so I wouldn't even know when John was lying anyway!
