I was saddened by what I heard

Philippines
April 15, 2013 8:24pm CST
Last night, my MIL told my wife that our son's nanny is really afraid of his nanny when we are not around. She used to keep him inside the room with her after taking lunch. Also, she used to tell my son that it takes a little more time meaning she might get out of our house soon. Also, she keeps on telling my son that he is getting naughtier than before because my wife and I let him and he should be spanked instead of letting him that way. We asked our MIL if my son cried. she said he cannot cried because he was afraid. Perhaps this is one of reasons why my son seems so happy and feels free whenever we arrived from work. One of my problem is how to speak to her since she wa older to us. can you give some advice on this matter?
5 people like this
19 responses
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
Wow! That's just traumatizing. I don't think this type of matter could be talked about, she may blame the kid for telling on her. You will never know what goes on when you're not around. Perhaps it's time for you to find someone else. Most nanny's become frustrated and have short tempers when they've been in a family for a long time. Maybe it's called burnout. I suggest you look for another nanny. Have a great mylot experience ahead!
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
27 Apr 13
Maybe it's her age or maybe it's her manner. The main point, she shouldn't be allowed with kids.
• Philippines
29 Apr 13
I agree with you. No matter what, my kid's sake must be the first one to be considered.
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
I think she is saying those words to my son since she has no experience on being a mom for she did not have a child of his own. Yes, she used to grow her nieces and nephews but I think she does it the same way since she has no idea on how to grow kids disciplined but in a better way.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
oh my this is something i don't like being done to my kids! I am just quite lucky i guess because my nanny is very nice to my kids but like you if that would happen to me i would also be very troubled but as the parent, you have the right to talk to your nanny as she is being paid and you are the employer. talk to her or else your son will be traumatized. He will be emotionally affected especially if he cannot cry, it is always fine to cry and if he keeps it inside your son might get sick. talk to the nanny NOW.
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
Maybe I will talk to her one day. Yes you are right, my son will definitely get sick thru emotional stress. This is really bad for the health. Maybe, when she told us that she doesn't want to stay with us anymore, I will let her go out of our house.
@jazel_juan (15747)
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
but you have to act upon it now my friend, rather than be sorry about it. She, your helper might be "old fashioned" in a sense that she thinks disciplining that way is fine.. my dad used to be that way too! You should talk to her and talk some sense into her...and but i know how hard it is since she is older than you.. one of the reasons i also do not get a nanny way older than me, it is definitely hard to reprimand someone older..
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
Yes, that is one of my problem now. she was older than I am. One way I am doing right now is to ask help of my mom since she knew her for a long time already. Just like what you are saying, she might grew in an old fashioned way of disciplining kids.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
17 Apr 13
Maybe your son does need to be spanked occasionally, but that should be your call. You are the employer; your son's nanny is the employee. You make the rules. Your son should not be afraid of his nanny, but he should respect her and obey her when she imposes your rules. I believe that a conference with the nanny is in order. Giver her a chance to tell you what your son is doing wrong and how she is handling it. If you disagree with her methods, let her know respectfully and tell her how you would prefer she handle incorrect behavior. If she is unable or unwilling to abide by your wishes, you have every right to terminate her employmeant.
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
This is a great advice. i think you are right, we are the one that will set the rules on how to take care and upbring our son. Yes, there are times that I spanked my son but it should be us only as parent to do it and not hers. I think she doesn't do it with our son since we have our MIL around the house.
@stanley777 (9402)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
I guess, your MIL would not fabricate things especially if it concerns about her grandson. Having a nanny around,is to help you in caring for your son's needs and other things especially if you're both at work. All those things doesn't include threatening your son or harming him if he did not follow her orders. I know you respect her because she is much older than you are but the issue here, is your son's upbringing. She does not have the right to harm your son in case he did not follow her or whatever, she is there to help not to instill fear in your son's young mind.
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
I think you got a great point. My MIL really does not make stories because she is not like that. She will not make any story that will make other person bad. just like what you said, age will not be an issue anymore. It will be on our son's upbringing. My wife said that she should not let my son grow in how she wants it to be. It should be ours, the parents.
@lady1993 (27225)
• Philippines
17 Apr 13
I think that is not a good nanny.. I guess nannies should be nicer, i guess age does not matter since whatever the age, it does not guarantee that the attitude will be good. I think you should just change nannies, a relative would be better- one that'll get along well with your kid not one that will scare him.
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Maybe she grew up with that kind of upbringing so she tend to impose the same to our son. However, her situation is not as the same with what we had now. I admit that there are times that my son could not be controlled that even I used to spanked him even in front of her. One thing that I don't want to hear from is when she said one time when we are not around that we let our son grew that way, he should be spanked when he is out of control which I think she has no right to tell him those words.
16 Apr 13
Hello asdomencil, actually it would be best if you care for child youself but even if you do not get the time to care for him and your nanny is not fare enough then i would give advice to you please change the nanny. As you are employer no matter she is older then you or she is younger, you are the employer and you are giving her money so just talk to her, tell to her to change herself and to take real care of your baby....
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Yes, this wakes me up that as the one who employed her, I should be the one that will take charge on how she should took care of my son. I think I really consider first the possible emotional effect on my son and not on the age of the nanny.
@jennifer611 (2514)
• United States
16 Apr 13
It's nice that you are concerned about respecting the nanny when confronting her. honestly, this is your child. the nanny is working for you and should care for your child the way you want her to. how and when you discipline your child is up to you. thank her for her opinions and suggestions but let her know that this doesn't work for you. your child should not be fearful of the person caring for him and if he is then I would highly suggest you have a serious talk with your child to find out what goes on when your not home. and possibly finding a new nanny or asking family to care for the child while your working.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think for now I cannot talk to my son that seriously since he is just 2 years old. The one that told us what is really happening when we are not around is my MIL. At the start, I know that my son's nanny is really strict since we knew her already but I think being strict and disciplined she wants could not yet apply to my son.
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
It is hard to find a nanny who truly loves children. Many are just doing it for money and if this is the case that means they do not like their work. They will be unfriendly to your kids, and they will even maltreat them in many ways most especially when the child can not yet talk. I just hope that you can find a real good nanny for your kid.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I agree with you, since kids could not tell what they are doing to them, they will maltreat them sometimes, they threat the kids not tell their parent for they will be hurt. I think my son's nanny is not that bad. Now she has my MIL there and I know she will try to control her temper since we already had an eye of her.
@verolop29 (1096)
• United States
16 Apr 13
I'm sorry u feel this way friend but hang in there! Well for one thing ur son should never ever feel scared or frightened of his caretaker. Nor his parents for that matter. It might be a good idea to get to the bottom of this before it gets worse. Little kids have huge imaginations and tend to make things up in their mind. Talk to them both and observe them see how ur son is with her and see how that goes from there. If u find ur son is lying dont get mad with him. That will be the first big mistake u will make. Just tread carefully. Different ppl handle it differently... The way I would handle this will be to talk to my kid and see what's really going on. If she doesn't want to talk about it then ill give her a few days to let her decide when to tell me. It vareys from kid to kid. If she lies to me saying the nany it her when she didn't then I would explain to her that lying is something we don't do.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
My son could not tell of he is afraid or not yet for he is just 2 years old. The one that told us of what is happening is my MIL who is with us at home. I think like what you said, I need to observe more. since my son is alright and feels happy with his nanny now.
@hereandthere (45671)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
if i were your mother-in-law and you were living in my house with the nanny, i won't hesitate talking to the nanny, even if you're the one paying her, because it's my house and it's my grandson who is involved. actually, i'm the same way with my nephews and nieces. some say it's meddling, but i think it's even worse if you don't say and do anything at all when your flesh and blood is involved. who else should be the first to show concern for your son? will your nanny listen to your mother in law?
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think with my MIl staying at home will help a lot. I think she can talk to her but what I resulted is my mother for she knew my son's nanny more than we are.
@danix1982 (593)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
Don't hesitate if you want to tell something or talk to your nanny because it is your right as a parents to your son, she should not spanked or talk to your son like that as she don't have the right because she is just a nanny not a parents. talk to your nanny in a nice way it will give effect to your son's behavior and attitude if she will continue her way of giving discipline to your son.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think she did not spank my son. She is just prank with her words when talking to my son. Sometimes she get mad and moody but she cannot redirect to my son because now, there is my MIL there at home. I am just hesitant to talk to her since she was older than I am.
@cherigucchi (14885)
• Philippines
16 Apr 13
It is your son's welfare which is more important here. You have to take actions right away before things would blow out of proportion. You have to talk to the nanny conscientiously and know the whole story but if you fell like uncomfortable having her around your son then it is your decision to let her go.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I will have to observe first before I talk to her but that will be soonest. If she feels she need to go, I will let her go and get someone we know. I think there are others out there that volunteers to be my son's nanny.
@tinayu (214)
• China
16 Apr 13
this is a very serious thing.you must speak to the nanny as soon as possible.it is not about the nanny's old age, it is about you son's mental health.i advise you to quit this nanny before the things become more serious.i have read some news about abnormal nannies,they like to maltreat the babies .maybe your nanny is normal, but nanny is the very closed person to a baby except parents, how can you parents feel at ease when you work out?
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I agree with you. I think I really need to talk to her. Just like what you said it is all about my son's mental health. I should really consider my son first before the age of her nanny.
• United States
16 Apr 13
As the head of the family, you should not let your son grow up in fear and silence or else it will affect his future. Stand up on your feet and walk up to the nanny regardless of her age and correct her to her face together with your wife. As a nanny she should be good to your son and not mean. i hope this helps. good luck
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Thanks for this encouragement. I think you are right, I should not consider the age of the nanny but the effects it could lead to my son.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
16 Apr 13
Does this nanny have children of her own? How old is she? If you have parents , then they can supervise what is going on. There is nothing better than grandparents because they will have love for the child; they may not be able to take full care but if the nanny is there they can easily supervise and do the needful. You can tell the nanny gently that the grandparents will take care when she needs to do something.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think she is in her late 30s and she doesn't have a kids of her own. My MIL was the one with my son at home and she was the one who told us about this matter.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
16 Apr 13
It has always been my feeling that if we have any kind of feelings about our child care providers that they are not doing right by our children, then it is time to find a new childcare provider. You can speak with your nanny about the concerns that you have right now. However, if you don't see that things are changing after you've had a discussion with your child care provider, then I think that you should go ahead and start looking now for someone that will be a good fit for your son. Since your son is a child, it is your job as a parent to be proactive when it comes to things concerning your son.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
Thanks for this advice. Just like what you said, we really expect this kind of stuffs when leaving our kids to care provider. However, I am a bit glad because my MIL was at home and I think that will help to stop her from treating my son like that.
@bjc66bjc (6730)
• United States
16 Apr 13
Wow...I would be more than sadden if I thought my child\ was being mistreated... but worrying about how she feels would not be my concern.I would definately would get to the bottom of this and the sooner the better...Its not fair to your child be be bullied by or become coward towards the nanny...Nothing is more important that to make sure your child is not being mistreated...Now it may be the fact that she is strict with him and his parents are not but then you have to decide whats more important to your child and is he being raised in confusion... feelings are not an option when you have mistreated my child..
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think my son is just treated that way when he was really uncontrollable. But one of my concern is the way she talks to my son that gets afraid and even couldn't cry out because he was afraid. I think I will really talk to her the soonest.
@Sgoessi (78)
• Switzerland
24 Mar 14
OMG! I think you must change your nanny, it would be better for your child as per my opinion.
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16 Apr 13
Your child likes his parents better. You guys are less strict and most likely let him get away with a lot more. Often parents think some behaviors are cute or acceptable, where as anyone else would punish the same behavior. If you truely believed that the nanny was abusive in any way there is nothing you need to say except your fired. If you accuse her she will be offended and resent you and your child.
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I think I have to agree with you. If I am going to confront her, she might do a revenge and my innocent son will be the one affected much. For me, as long as she did not hurt my son physically, I can keep her since she was not just nanny to our son, she used to work all around the house. I just observed that there are times she is moody.