I want his undivided attention

@Aja103654 (5646)
Philippines
April 18, 2013 1:38am CST
It's been a while since I last made a discussion about my infamous boyfriend. In our relationship we don't call or text so much. Why? because we want to talk about a lot of things at one time and then do important things in the other days. He is doing something very important and that is studying for the big exams. For the past month we rarely called or texted each other. Let's say twice a week we would get to talk on the phone. Now his exams are finally over. I was expecting he'd come over sooner or later. But I was a little pissed and very disappointed when all he could talk to me about was about him looking for a new apartment to stay in. I don't find anything wrong with that. Just that, I'm really disappointed and I get really cranky when I do. Usually I would stop the call when that happens before I say anything bad. Also, during that call, he was talking to other people and doing other things. he said he is multi tasking. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Then I told him that I am giving him my time and full attention, I'd expect him to respect that and do the same for me. If he is busy, I'd rather he do that first before talking to me and not having his full attention at all. You guys know what I mean? Would you feel the same? Am I being unreasonable? Thanks!
5 people like this
25 responses
@grvdubey11 (1879)
• India
18 Apr 13
Hi Aja, You are not being in reasonable at all.Its perfectly within your rights to expect undivided attention when you are giving hundred percent efforts.That is why i wonder that people give long speeches about giving hundred percent efforts and all that.But the real question is what is the use to giving those efforts when concerned person is not ready to reciprocate the same.In such cases it natural to feel disappointed and it can be frustrating at times.Actually when someone has a busy schedule like your boyfriend has,it happens that schedule and circumstances control you ,instead of you controlling the same.You try to find balance at the start but slowly you give up and you just go with the flow and it becomes habitual.That is what has happened in this case.Its very important that you keep reminding him about finding the right balance,it will actually be good for your relationship.In my opinion it would be unreasonable if you don't do that.Best wishes.
2 people like this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Thank you very much for your response! I feel better already. I was worried I might have come out immature. But I guess we can say the situation was handled well. We didn't fight at least but I was in a sour mood afterwards which lead to me working out with vigor.(when I get angry I exercise to let out my frustration) yeah, it's really unfair. I'll be patient. However, if this happens too often, I will be more firm to warn him.
@yugocean (9975)
• India
18 Apr 13
Aja this means you are missing him toooooooooooo much but he is tooooo busy to miss you that way. You cannot get undivided attention from a studying/working guy, and after marriage too, there would be work to do for both. Prepare yourself for busy life and, yes together.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
I try not to miss him too much but it just can't be helped. I'm always at home doing nothing so I am not as busy as he is. I'm planning to get busy soon with work. He's got plans for our future and he is working on things that will help us attain our future. I am completely supportive with that. But I would rather he's away than be with me and not really into me.
@yugocean (9975)
• India
19 Apr 13
It will take time, and now your boyfriend is right because he is looking forward, time is not just to pass but also to prepare. You are supportive but you are into it too from your heart, so be happy and continue with your current position, you have your part to do.
@ElicBxn (63187)
• United States
20 Apr 13
No, its not unreasonable at all... maybe you aren't that important to him? Maybe time to start looking again?
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Nov 15
@Aja103654 yes just tell him what you have told us and he will understand
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
20 Apr 13
LOL I am important to him. But there are times that he is too caught up with his activities he becomes oblivious to my feelings. I make sure to let him know if he's made a mistake.
2 people like this
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
19 Apr 13
Yes, your expectations are unreasonable. You and him, are not married, but you are expecting him to have a marriage like dedication. If you want to have 'one on one' time, you need to go out on a date. Expecting him to carve out a chunk of time exclusively to talk on the phone, you need to be something more than a girl *friend*.
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
20 Apr 13
Hello? We've been together for more than 5 years. Isn't the point of being together preparation for marriage? Why not start practicing now? Do I have to wait till we are married to want his attention like this? No, you can do whatever you want. You don't *have* to do anything. But my experience is, the last thing you want to do is act like you are married, when you are not married. Males don't respond well to that, in general. Yes, there's a few here and there, but if he hasn't put a ring on your finger within about 1 year, generally that is because he has no intention of doing so. Now honestly, if you think you know better, go for it. But I've been around men my whole life. I know what how they think, and what they say to other men, when the women are not around. If that experience means nothing to you, and you've got it all figured out, go for it. But dating is not for practicing for when you get married. Dating is when you figure out if the other person is worth marrying, and if yes, then you do it. For thousands of years, men and women, didn't practice for marriage. They got married, and learned how to live together married. Oddly, in the past old fashioned way of doing things, the vast majority of marriages succeeded. Today with the new and improved method, most fail. You choose which system you think is better. I should be more than a girl friend. He's promised to marry me after all. Words words words. He said some stuff. You are thinking about this like a woman. He is not a woman. He is a man. Not a woman. Words don't mean JACK to a man. To a man, what matters is not words, it's actions. I don't care if he promised you the moon. Did he put a ring on your finger? Has he set a wedding date? Did he even directly propose to you yet? Look, you don't have to believe me, and I'm not trying to make you mad. How would that benefit me? I'm just telling you how I see it. When I read what you posted, that guy is acting like you are a girl friend. Just a girl friend. If he has given you a ring, and has proposed, and has set a wedding date, then I would seriously wonder what his problem is. Otherwise, he is acting like a typical guy with a girl friend. But if you know men so well, and you know better than me, great. Good luck. Hope it works out.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
20 Apr 13
Hello? We've been together for more than 5 years. Isn't the point of being together preparation for marriage? Why not start practicing now? Do I have to wait till we are married to want his attention like this? And for your information, I did give him plenty of time for himself, plenty of space for him. I don't even call him or text him so I won't be a bother to him. I told him to call whenever he is free and naturally, that should have his 100 percent attention if he decides to call me. Have you ever been in a relationship like this at all? You don't seem to understand. I should be more than a girl friend. He's promised to marry me after all.
• Penrith, Australia
20 Apr 13
hello andy. youre still as passionate about your responses as ever. relax. :) no need for pressure, people vary in their needs and expectations and we will all give what we can at our own pace and at our own ability.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
Unreasonable? Of course not! I do think that he needs to realize that you waited long enough to be with him. You have shown your support and I think that it is just a must for him that this time, he gives his undivided attention for you.
1 person likes this
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
It was hard to contain my annoyance. Thank you for understanding jenny. I think I have done all I could to be the supportive girl friend he needed and this is what I get? A half-hearted conversation? I'm not tolerating that. I told him right away what I truly felt.
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
" Also, during that call, he was talking to other people and doing other things. he said he is multi tasking. Not that there is anything wrong with that." Uhh.. I think there is something wrong with that. I mean, it is not polite to speak to someone other than the person you are speaking to over the phone, right? Hmm, what else can I say?.. hmm.. well, I hope you'll get to talk to him about what you feel so you two could fix this out. You can do it Aja!
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Nov 15
@Aja103654 no that was r ude of him no way around that if I c all someone I give them my undivided attention not share it withy two other people.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
20 Apr 13
I meant there is nothing wrong with multi tasking. I didn't like that he kept talking to other people on the phone without even saying excuse me. It would have been fine if he did talk once and then returned to me but he kept greeting people around him. It is very impolite. I can only tolerate he would talk to his mother or family, but other people? not so. thanks, girl!
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
18 Apr 13
You aren't asking for much after all, just a little bit of attention, after all if he thinks anything of you, he'd put himself out more, than he already is. I think you need to pull him up about his behaviour, and tell him you are not happy with it, otherwise it builds resentment. You are not being unreasonable at all. He just needs to be told.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Nov 15
@Aja103654 I would ask him why he thinks it is okay to share that phone call wity other people as it looks like he feels anything goes as its just you, you will understand and iu would tell him life does not work that way if he loves you he needs to cut out the side chatter and show co mplete attention
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
I already told him. He made up for it by visiting me and giving me his full attention then. Still, I have not completely forgiven him because he does this many times. I just set it aside for now because he does have a lot of things to deal with, I don't want to add to his problems even when I'm angry with him. Like I said, I don't want to be the bad guy because I am the victim here. If I behave badly, It would be my loss.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
18 Apr 13
Hi aja! You are right in demanding his undivided attention, when you both are talking. If he is busy in something else, it would be better to postpone the conversation. If am talking to someone and simultaneously fiddling with my mobile phone, it means am not paying full attention to him. When I talk to someone, I leave all my jobs aside and pay full attention to him. Hopefully, he would soon understand your 'message', else he should be ready to face the music.
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
19 Apr 13
It is good to hear that matter has since been sorted out and now you have no complaint with him.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
well, he did understand and we ended the conversation there. I was a little pissed but it's better we don't talk than talk without his full attention. He visited me last night and then gave me his undivided attention.
@dainy1313 (2370)
• Leon, Mexico
19 Apr 13
Hello Aja, if I were you, I would feel the same. I´d feel frustrated. Maybe he is affraid of commitment. Have you thought about it? Blessings Aja... dainy
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
20 Apr 13
He's not afraid. If he were I wouldn't waste my time on him. He promised to marry me in the future. I mean, it's a good thing to look forward to. We share the same goals more or less.
@allknowing (130116)
• India
18 Apr 13
Why should he spend time on something he has already got and that is you He has other things that he is looking for and I am sure all that he is looking for will finally help you as well. I would suggest that you do not see much into this. He may not be the romantic type but practical in his approach. What's wrong with that?
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
We haven't seen each other for weeks. I didn't even bother him so he can fully work on those important things he is doing. Isn't it natural to at least have even a brief conversation on the phone with his full attention? He can always go back to doing things when the conversation is over. I respected his time, is it so bad to want him to respect my time too? He's the romantic type and he's also practical. I don't hate practicality. But there's time for everything.
@allknowing (130116)
• India
19 Apr 13
In that case tell him what you feel about this.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
You have your rights. Since you don't meet or talk a lot, it should be sacred when you do. I think you need to spend more time together. If you don't affections may start to fade away.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
I unconsciously let myself turn numb to his absence. When we meet he complains about me being called and not taking him for granted. Stupid me. Why did I let him have his way? Whatever.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
LOL, thank you for your response!
@cttolledo (5448)
• Philippines
18 Apr 13
I agree. He must manage his activity and do it every other not do it simulataneously...That happens to me sometimes, and i told my boyfriend that he is too quiet busy to have a girlfriend and if he cannot manage it well we better break up .. I told him that I think he's not yet ready to have a girlfriend since relationship is a responsibility .
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Breaking up was too much, but then maybe it would for the best especially if a guy has no time for you? It would eliminate unnecessary frustrations in both your lives. Some people think they are being efficient when they do things simultaneously. But are those jobs done well enough? Relationships are not something you can take for granted and put in line with other jobs. it's a thing that needs to separated from all those tasks. It's not like those tasks have feelings right?
@cttolledo (5448)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Correct..those jobs can wait without any objection..
@kokomo (1867)
• Philippines
28 Apr 13
Well, just understand him. I know your part. I can relate to that, in fact, I am also like that. I want his attention for some time as we are very busy with our own work. I want him to ask me, how's my day and how I am without his side as we only see each other thrice a year. Maybe, your boyfriend is not forgetting his obligation with you, he was just preoccupied with a lot of things.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
29 Apr 13
yeah, he is preoccupied. Very preoccupied. I guess I'm not as involved with his life as I was back then and I miss those times.
@Nursefrai06 (2498)
• Penrith, Australia
20 Apr 13
what you are experiencing is normal. i think id feel the same way too especially that your boyfriend's exams are over. its not your fault and its not wrong to demand things like that because you need them. he is your partner and you must complement each other and that goes with your needs too.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
21 Apr 13
Yes. it was very frustrating. I'm thankful that he is more attentive to me now. He passed the exam! Thank you for responding!
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
19 Apr 13
I can understand your feelings though I would not feel the same way [for one-I am a married woman; secondly, even in younger days , we had to accept it even if our husbands chose not to call us for days together]. I can give you one suggestion ; if you like it you can try to follow it in order to maintain your cool. Be prepared mentally to talk to him leisurely when he has the time ; tell him that there is no hurry and that he can talk to you later[after listening to him of course]; this may motivate him to make some extra time for you. On the other hand, if you hang up abruptly or raise the issue when he is multitasking, it may cause some ill feeling. Patience will always 'stoop to conquer'.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
It's not about him not calling. i can understand he doesn't call me because he is busy. Just that when he calls me at least he focuses on me. That time should set for me. If he decides to use his time on me, then he should give his 100%. When he does this, it's like he is trying to convey he is so busy I am lucky he is calling me. I don't want that. I would rather imagine I don't have a boyfriend than think of a boyfriend who doesn't give me attention. haha, I did tell him to call me later if he was not gonna pay attention to me anyway. It's wasting my time. So he said I love you then called back the next day to come over to my place. That's it. But this time, i'll warn him if he does that again and I can't contain my feelings and hung up immediately, he'll know why.
• United States
19 Apr 13
If he was really that interested in you, he wouldn't be talking to other people while he is supposed to be in a telephone conversation with you. Of course, he takes it for granted that you will be around for as long as he wants you to be about. Find plenty of things to with which to keep yourself busy. Leave it in his court to contact you. Perhaps, while you are so busy with other things, you may find that there are more attentive guys out there...
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Yeah. Obviously, his mind was not on me at the time. he is so caught up with his life and with himself and sometimes it can be too much and he bores me with his talk. That's what I thought. I was taken for granted just because I am around and will welcome him because I am not busy at this time. I was doing a lot of things at home and he is disturbing me by taking up my time and not giving me much attention during the call. It's an insult! LOL, attentive guys? I don't need guys for attention. I'd rather eat a potato chip
@kukueye (1759)
• Malaysia
19 Apr 13
Tell him what to do. - Boyfriend being males , may not know wat to do to please the girlfrend.Hence be honest with him and tell him your expectation.
Well guys and boyfriend are basically male , sometime they do not know what to do to please their girlfriend. Maybe one suggestion is talk to the boyfriend and tell that your need him to listen to your babbling and paid attention.Maybe the boyfriend does not know that your need that. Other than that , it is hard to change a boyfriend , your have analyst and made decision whether your will be more happier if you break off.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Excuse me? Listen to my babbling? That sound so wrong. I'm not trying to change him. I'm only asking for things a good girlfriend deserves: RESPECT.
18 Apr 13
Hi Aja, Actually he just completed his exam and it may be that he want some relax, He can be really busy when he was talking to you over the phone. You should try to talk to him over this matter and you should talk to him that what you want from him and how you feel then he do not care about you and do not give full attention on you, there may be a lot of reasons that he in not giving full attention on you but you can solve this problem by talking to each other..
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
I know he has reasons, but I find them invalid. LOL, make him relax? Allow him to relax? Oh, I've done that. I leave him alone to relax and not call or text him because I don't want to seem clingy and demanding. I simply waited for him to call me. But here he is, calling and not giving his full attention. What a let-down! I've been very understanding to him. I doubt any other girl would be as supportive! He's dang lucky to have me! If it were another girl she'd be crying and demanding like a lunatic!! But did I behave like that? No! So if he can't be the man who deserves me, I don't have to waste my time on him. It's a good thing that he redeems himself every time he makes a mistake.
1 person likes this
@tinayu (214)
• China
19 Apr 13
yes, i know your meaning.you are not unreasonable, you are normal.i think every woman would feel the same at your age, just like me.when i fell in love with my boyfriend (now is my husband), i was always mad at his undivided attention.in my world,he was all for me.so i expected that i was his all,too.but a boy was different from a girl.besides me there were many other things which drew his attentions.including sports, friends and games.now when i recall the things happening in the past,i feel those things funny and precious.you would feel the same when you are as old as me.
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
LOL! Thank you tinayu. Well, I have many other interests. And I am okay with my boyfriend having many interests. i think it makes him adorable to have passion in life other than me. Because I am like that, I don't want me to be everything in his life. Just that, when he has time for me, at least, he should forget about other things for just awhile and focus on me. he can always return to those tasks whenever we are not together.
• Canada
19 Apr 13
Girl, if he cant respect your time, that means he doesnt respect you. If he is busy, he should tell you that and contact later, instead making you look like a side dish, when you are supposed to be the main entre ( sorry about the food reference). You are respecting his space and time, he should do that too. But the best thing is just tell him without getting angry first, that, just to call you when he is completely free. And then be more stern with it. Dont be shy, he is your man, he is supposed to udnerstand such things, and when he doesnt, you just remind him. :)
@Aja103654 (5646)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
Actually I find your food reference good. I like food. That's exactly it. The word is SIDE DISH. We don't have enough time together to get to talk about things. we usually cuddle to make up for lost time and I often forget to be stern to him.