I don't know you, but that's not it.

@AmbiePam (51138)
United States
April 18, 2013 12:44pm CST
Are you sure you have migraines? I don't think you do. Have you seen a doctor? Okay, so it doesn't sound so weird when you use migraines as an example. And please don't think I'm making fun of someone, because I know they mean well. But I've been getting people telling me they don't think my mom has dementia, and then asking me if we've ever taken her to a doctor. Um, what?! Do people not think you take your loved one to every single doctor you can find before accepting that she does indeed have dementia? And do people think we just put a name on her problem without knowing exactly what it is? I get that a little in real life from people who've never met my mom and wonder how someone so young could have it. And people online and offline ask the dumbest question ever: have you taken her to a doctor? Most people mean well, but asking if we've taken her to a doctor?! Are you kidding? What are some questions you get that you find almost silly, ignorant, or insulting? And note, I'm not mad. I am however dismayed with people who simultaneously tell me I'm wrong and suggest we treat my mother differently than we do. You won't find anyone treated better than my mom is treated.
6 people like this
15 responses
@dawnald (84076)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Apr 13
People are just trying to be helpful usually, but sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are just stupid.
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
I agree. I think most of the time it comes from a good place.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164266)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Apr 13
but dawn and Ambie what about the people who do not know one bloody thing about diabetes always telling me :"Are you going to eat that? Should you eat that? that? You are a diabetic." that fries me as its so evident that they know nothing about diabetes so why start in on me as I have had the disease for 30 years and yes I have a doctor who monitors me and yes I do know what I can eat. Maybe it starts out from a god place but it does not stay there.If we are monitoring our blood glucose levels all day we will know whether or not we can eat a one fourth cup pf Ice cream or a half cup of canned in water peaches.We do not need people who know nothing at all about diabetes to tell us how to eat.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84076)
• Shingle Springs, California
18 Apr 13
That's when you give them "the look", make a comment about that being personal, and change the subject.
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28926)
• United States
18 Apr 13
Yeah.. that would annoy me too. Let's see.. just today someone assumed I was like 18 years old.. because I mentioned graduation. They said I'm now entering the real world. Well.. if the real world isn't what I've been in thus far, then I welcome any changes it may bring!!
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
Oh, I think you've been dealing with the real world for quite some time!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 13
Yeah.. I think so..
2 people like this
• United States
18 Apr 13
Not so much like you. I hate when people throw God into the picture all the time and suggest that if you just pray hard enough you will be well or your loved one will be well. And if you're loved one isn't well then it is you who is in the wrong and not that God didn't take care of the problem. It's not that I didn't go to the doc, it's that I prayed 'amiss'. This is according to some well meaning Christians. Like they believe mental illness is not an illness at all but a spiritual attack. I get bombarded with churchy ignorance that is also annoying.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18613)
• Jamaica
18 Apr 13
It is sad but sometimes people just come out with the silliest things as they do not either believe it or want to reassure themselves that everything may be okay. My sister experienced this when she lost the sight in one eye due to an embolism. People and friends would tell her not to worry as the sight may come back or again they would ask when was her sight coming back? I know that you and your family have done everything possible for your mother and she is treated like a Queen
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
Your poor sister. She must have been tempted to poke someone's eye out and then ask them when they expected to see again.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
18 Apr 13
Some people can be insensitive and some don't realize they're overstepping their boundaries. I commend you for not getting upset over their dumb questions! I don't know if I could or would. I mean like, DUH?.... Yeah! How else would you know she has what she has?! Besides, it can happen at ANY age because it's a disease that doesn't discriminate.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Apr 13
For those who haven't dealt with dementia, I suppose that such things sound reasonable. Well, not really... but we'll pretend. We are dealing with my future MIL's dementia here. I know that there is more that I would like to do... to try... We know what caused the dementia to speed up with her. We question what we could do to improve how she is. It's difficult to do much about diet and exercise when she doesn't live with us, nor is she right next door to us. However, this has been a complicated situation from the beginning. Your mother is quite young to have such advanced dementia. I think that people have a hard time accepting that someone so young could suffer irreversible dementia.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
19 Apr 13
There is little that is going to help your future MIL. Now if she has Ahlzeimer's (spelling?) they might be able to help her a bit with medication. But in the end, diet and exercise won't make much of a difference. But my mom has dementia, not caused by Ahlzeimer's. And the fact that she has it so young should be a clue to people how hard we searched before we accepted her diagnosis. She was so bad she was instantly accepted to disability once she filed for it. That never happens. But it took one meeting with a social worker and they had her on it. It started when she was 46 and progressed very quickly from there. I am very sorry for you and your future spouse. I hope you'll be able to support each other through it. Don't be surprised if you get angry with her. If you think she isn't trying to help herself. That is if you haven't experienced it already. My mother was a sweethear, but in the early stages she turned almost mean and somewhat hateful. That stage DOES eventually pass.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Apr 13
She wasn't diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The doctors have said "dementia," but she hasn't had as much examination as I want. Getting rid of the wrong and overabundance of medications that they had her on in Florida did help. She has made a lot of progress over the past 10 months since she left a bad rehab facility in Florida. When she first arrived, she was pretty much gone. Her personality has returned, but she is still confused. It took eight months to get Medicaid to cover the nursing home, because her financial trail was a very twisty one.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
26 Apr 13
Oh that's good then. That there are still some medical tests to be done that could show other things? One thing they discovered on my mom while doing all the tests was that she needed more B12. She gets a shot for it now. Also, that she had too much amonia (I know I'm not spelling that right) in her urine. Both of those things can affect the memory. Now it turns out that didn't make much difference with my mom's dementia, but my dad did notice she was less restless when she got her B12 shot.
• Canada
18 Apr 13
I certainly empathize with you. I have had the same experience in regards to depression. People throw around the word "depression" like it's nothing. Who among us hasn't heard people moan "Oh I'm SO depressed" when they are really just sad, angry, tired, frustrated, what have you. I've read countless discussions and been part of many conversations where people will tell you that if you just "think happy thoughts", "go for a walk," "get some fresh air," etc., that you won't be depressed any more. My own mother, the first time I was diagnosed, said to me, "You have beautiful children, a wonderful home, a good husband... what on earth do YOU have to be depressed about??!!" I was never more hurt in my life. Mental illness is not something people can see. If we had a broken limb, people could see the cast and would understand the injury. When the situation is internal, many don't get it. I hope you find the strength to ignore the ill-informed and continue on the path of providing great care for your mom.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
Thank you. When I was a teenager my parents finally decided to put me in counseling for depression. When my mom told my dad the counselor wanted to talk with him he said, "Why? Nothing's wrong with me." That hurt a lot. And it took him years to understand. I was diagnosed many years later as bipolar. And he still doesn't get it all. I just appreciate someone making an effort.
• Canada
18 Apr 13
I hear you! When I was first diagnosed and started therapy, my counselor wanted my (then) husband to attend with me a couple of times. He felt it would be helpful. My ex refused completely and said basically the same as your dad. He said "I'm not the one with problems." This was not long after he screamed at me, in the middle of the night, "You are out of your f-in mind." So yeah... not much concern or understanding, for sure.
1 person likes this
@patgalca (15314)
• Orangeville, Ontario
18 Apr 13
When I tell people my mother has early on-set dementia they ask how old she is. When I say 88 they say it's not early on-set dementia. EARLY ON-SET means it's the beginning and will get worse. It also isn't just due to her age, which is what I am constantly hearing. She has been to a Gerentologist (that's an old people's doctor) and was asked to name her grandchildren, count backwards, remember things mentioned earlier in the conversation, etc. The doctor diagnosed her with early on-set dementia and put her on medication to try and slow the short-term memory loss. I had her here for Christmas and it was terrible. She would ask the same questions over and over and over again. It's not just because of her age. So I know what you mean. I get frustrated with people contradicting me.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
19 Apr 13
People don't understand all the reasons dementia hits. My grandfather had it because of repeated mini strokes.
@ladygator (3468)
• United States
18 Apr 13
I think that it is very insulting for those people to even comment on the state and well being of your mother. Unless they are a doctor or another close family member that is actively involved in the life on you and your mother. While it is rare for this disease to show symptoms early in life, its not un-imaginable. Things happen in different time for everyone.
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
In People magazine a month or two ago there was a story about a youmg man taking care of his mother who had Ahlzeimer's (spelling?). She got it in her late 30s! Hers is not advanced like my mother's, but you can definitely tell she has it. The young man has to be very vigilant with his mother. So young.
@Hatley (164266)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Apr 13
hi AmbiePam you are getting the dementia police like I have gotten the diabetes police.,People who do not know beans about how diabetics are supposed to eat yet they will ask me "Are you sure you should eat that?"Usually its a dessert or fruit of some sort. Now I just say" Thanks for your concern but yes I am going to eat that." ANd too I have had people ask " You are overweight should you not see your doctor?" THis I will now get mad and say " I am under a doctors care but you should be seen by a manners expert as you need to learn some manners." That does send them off quickly indeed. You need to have some come backs to these people who think they know more than you about Dementia,. I FIND IT VERY OFFENSIVE THAT THEY THINK YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TO A DOCTOR with your mom.How can people act so snotty? I still get those questions "You cannot eat that? You should not drink that asyou have diabetes?: I told this lady that "surprise I did not know I had diabetes, How did you find that o ut ?" ojimn a really snotty voice.That e made her run to her car. I guess I did embarrass her. And those who tell m e what to eat I now say "I thank you but yes I do not eat that as I never did like that so yes I will eat this as I do like it. Take yourself off to the library and read on what people with diabetes are allowed to eat before you lecture me again." that one does work so hope you get some retorts to use against the Dementia police who question you all the time.I really think those people are really way out of line.
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
18 Apr 13
I have got to think diabetes is one of the more popular things for know it alls to cling to. Diabetes and depression. People will tell you all about what you're doing wrong. Like anyone wants to make their diabetes worse? Like depressed people haven't tried to "get out more". People simplify things like these way too often.
@winterose (39899)
• Canada
21 Apr 13
yes some people make you feel like a child, and when you say why wouldn't you think we wouldn't take mom to the doctor. They get all huffy saying things like you don't have to be snarky about it I was just trying to help. I get that all the time and I hate it as much as you do.
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37379)
• United States
19 Apr 13
I know what you mean! And just to fill in a gap I know several people who are as young or younger then your mom who have dementia! I know about the questions too...my boss is one of those who asks stupid questions. I have worked at the same place for 28 years and called in sick twice....the one time I called in I was so sick I almost passed out after going to the bathroom (I had the flu)...and had to crawl back to the couch. When I called in she said...are you sure you're sick? You know that if you tell me you threw up I can't have you come back to work for 24 hours after the symptons subside....." Seriously? I am puking etc and she wants me to say I am okay. I didn't go back to work for a couple of days because I needed that time to get better! She kept saying....are you sure? Dah!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Apr 13
Doesn't it amaze you? People ask the dumbest questions sometimes and I do see this all the time on myLot. I go through the discussions and start reading the responses and I'm like...... And I've already had some pretty silly responses to my own discussions which are not half as serious as yours. It just really does amaze me. I just say to myself "Do you really think I would do that?" or "Don't you think I did that?" or the worst one of all is..."DID YOU READ THE DISCUSSION?"...haha. I guess they're all trying to be helpful but really...sometimes it's just common sense to figure out the answer. I feel like you do sometimes though...just dismayed.
@lilybug (21145)
• United States
18 Apr 13
I have had people say ignorant things to me in the past. I think the problem is that a lot of people do not think before they speak. I doubt most people mean it to be insulting.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15758)
• Philippines
19 Apr 13
i believe there are comments like this to me before but i guess i often choose to ignore it rather than piss me off..but there was a time when there was this girl i know who ALWAYS complain she has migraine but does not seem like she have, i know what migraine is and i know HOw painful it gets especially with very bright lights on and she is with bright lights on and it gets annoying complaining from her about that.
@AmbiePam (51138)
• United States
19 Apr 13
I have chronic migraines. I'm so used to them that sometimes the only way you'd know something was wrong was the expression on my face. Other times they are way too bad to hide the pain. Most stupid comments don't bother me. It's what the comments are about that decides if I'm upset. Something so awful and gut wrenching...and then someone questions your efforts. It's unbelievable. No one has any idea how bad my mom's dementia is. I mean when you find your mother peeing in her closet and she doesn't even realize she's doing it...