It's really hard to make friends with different gender once you are taken

@Mintlin (322)
China
April 23, 2013 2:49am CST
Hi all. recently,i feel very upset,from my experience,it's not that easy to make friends with different gender once you have boyfriend or married. it seems the man approaching you just want to have relationship with you. when i was in colleague,i have some good male friends,but when they knew i have a boyfriend,they didnot contact me anymore. In my office,there are some male co-workers,they treated me pretty well,but when i got married,they seldom speak to me. i donotknow,i feel so upset. i just want to make friends with man,of course i love my husband and i will not cheat on him. do you have such kind of experience ?
1 person likes this
20 responses
@piya84 (2583)
• India
23 Apr 13
hi mitlin Those men left you because they were not interested in becoming your friend but wanted to date you.For whatever reason they did not get chance to date you.So once you are married they decided to move on.
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
yes, it's the point. but whatever,that's ok. as a married woman,i just want to make some good male friends but not date with them
@piya84 (2583)
• India
24 Apr 13
Its a two way thing and most of the men are no particularly looking for friendship with women.They are happy with their male friends.Male just wanting to be with friends women are bit are bit a rare.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
27 Apr 13
yes,i agreed,it's very rare
@Paper_Doll (2373)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
I have not experienced the same. I have few male friends here at work and they did not change after I got married. They still treat me the way they used to treat me. Nothing has really changed. But am not really that type that goes out with friends be it male or female. I think that a true friend will be there for you even if you are single or not. Although there may be some changes or limitations, they will stay as your friend. I have a very good friend before, actually we've almost become a couple but inspite of this, we remain friends after I got married. We still talk to each other, he still call and send me messages and I reply if I think that it wouldn't offend or hurt my husband. As for your male friends, I think that they are not really after friendship from the very start. I believe you can still find some few good male friends in the future. Those that would really treat you as a friend, and not someone whom they could have a romantic relationship in the future.
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
Hi Paper,you are so lucky to have many good male friends surrounded you ,you have the point here,they are not really friend,they assume i'm single but it turns out i'm alreay married,maybe they can't accept this truth or they are not looking for the friendship but relationship from me,then they disappointed about this.anyway,it's not necessary to care about them anymore
• Philippines
26 Apr 13
Yes because they usually used that as their way to get close to you. Well, I think I have done the same in the past so I am guilty. I think I started being friend with someone because I personally think that he would be a good partner in the future. But it turns out that he is already in a relationship. For a while I stopped communicating with him. I was disappointed and even blamed him for not telling me about it which definitely unreasonable because I don't think he has to inform me about it . But later on realized that he is a friend I do not want to lose. We stayed as friends.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
27 Apr 13
Hi paper,i like your answer,thank you for being honest.actually, i've posted this same topic on a home forum (my country),then a lot of people blamed me why donot i tell man friends i'm married at the very start,i donot understand,ok,so when i first meet a guy,i should tell him:i'm alreay married,i just want to make friend with you,if you are looking for more,than stay away from me ...,if i say so ,the man would think i'm stark mad.you are right,your friend he doesnot have to tell you he is married because he just want to be friend,it's our problem,we are asking too much
@Aja103654 (5650)
• Philippines
27 Apr 13
I had this experience back with one of my ex boyfriends. He was insanely jealous for a flirt. Now that's stupid. Anyway, try reaching out to them then. Maybe they are not aware of what they are doing? or they are just avoiding trouble to avoid bad rumors. I'm afraid that once you are married or committed, you can't expect to be as close to male friends as if you were single. That's something you have to accept. I also find it annoying that guys are interested to be your friend if they are interested in you romantically. It's great to have a guy friend who respects you and remains a good friend.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
27 Apr 13
thank you for sharing,yes,it's true.maybe we cannot have our cake and eat it. since we have our love one,we cannot ask for too much??
@Aja103654 (5650)
• Philippines
28 Apr 13
If your partner is understanding and not the jealous type I think you won't have such problems. I have a male friend who visits my home and my boyfriend is completely okay with it. (we three are high school classmates) Just make sure to introduce your male friend to your hubby, maybe they have something in common, they might even get along really well, which is a plus for you. Your hubby might even trust your friend to take care of you when he is not around. You'll have a new guardian LOL.
@pals101 (2010)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Maybe they are afraid of your partner. Have they seen him already? I think its because maybe you are already married, they don't want your partner to get angry with them. You have to explain to them that it is okay, and also to your partner to understand the situation.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
No,they never see my partner,my husband trusts me much and he is not a traditional one,it's ok for me to have male friends. regaring those male friends,maybe some of them just want to keep distance from me,it's another kind of protection.
@pals101 (2010)
• Philippines
24 Apr 13
There must be a reason behind it. Better ask them if you not sure about it.
@cherigucchi (13894)
• Philippines
27 Apr 13
That is very true. I also have the same experience. I have male friends before and there were so many who wanted to befriend me but when I got married, everyone seems to be apprehensive. I do not know but may be they just do not want complications or they are just assuming that it spells trouble when you start befriending a married woman. i am also not that comfortable anymore having new male friends because my guy is quite a jealous type.
@Mintlin (322)
• China
28 Apr 13
thank you for sharing.my husband has an open-mind when it comes to friendship.he trusts me much,he also have some good female friend,their friendship didnot change after we got married.
@jazel_juan (15748)
• Philippines
24 Apr 13
It all depends i guess, even if i am married, i am still good friends with my male friends, in fact a lot more closer as they find me someone they could trust minus all other issues as they know i am married and they know my husband as well. We became someone they could confide too and i guess they do not hesitate to be friends with me as i introduced them to my husband and they also became my husband's friends.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
good for you,i wish i could have friends like that
@missjahn (4574)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
i have a boyfriend but it is not a hindrance for me to be close with my guy friends. in your case, when your friends stopped contacting with you in time they knew you had a boyfriend already was that he wanted something more than friendship. it is being clear to us that each of the person including man/boy has different characteristics or personalities. so in case, if my boyfriend is a jealous kind type of person, i will let him feel he is secure and that i will not cheat on him, not only by means of saying it to him but i will let him feel. for this, his confidence will be given to me fully. that is my technique why my boyfriend is so confident or trust me with utmost easiness. and when i have a guy friend, i put some limit or boundary to let them feel that i am tied to someone already. another one is that, i introduce my boyfriend to them to let them know i am serious with my relationship to him. this way, they will be aware and if they have plans to surpass the limitation of friendship will be barred. hey, why not talk with your love one. explain to him that you do not want someone else and they are just your friends :)
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
thank you for sharing. my husband trusts me so much and he never mind if i have male friends,it's pretty ok for him, as he knows i love him much.
@grvdubey11 (1880)
• India
23 Apr 13
When you are in a serious relationship you have to give maximum attention to your partner,also normally people dont feel comfortable with the friends of opposite gender which their love interest has.That is why people avoid making friendship with someone(of opposite gender) who is taken.This is one reason though.Another reason is that there are lot of people who start the friendship with someone of opposite gender hoping that the friendship will grow and it will result into a relationship or intimacy later on.I dont want to generalize things because there are lot of people who are faithful but due to my personal experiences i am of the opinion that when you are in a relationship, having lesser friends of opposite gender is proves useful in long run,but that is just my opinion.I suffered because of being open minded and not possessive. I was in a serious relationship and the girl had a very close friend.I never interfered or instructed her to stay away from her friend but after few months of relationship she told me that she and her friend always loved each other but never realized it so her relationship with me is like a burden to her now.May be this was my bad luck but these cases happen lot of time.There are lot of instances when your close friend of opposite gender suddenly develops feeling for you and starts creating problem in your relationship.Anyways those are just my experiences it does not happen with everyone ,there are people who have good friends of opposite gender and they never create problem,wish you luck in that regard.Best wishes.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
sorry to hear this,maybe it's just a case ,as many of my female friends have a lot of male friends and they are ok .
@rtslvtwy (1088)
• Malaysia
23 Apr 13
I don't think men will behave like that. if let's say you are married or have a boyfriend already and those men that are already married or have girlfriends would not mind being your friend, correct? I myself is a guy and i am married. However, i still have friends which are female and some of them are single, some of them have boyfriends and some of them are married with kids. We all still get along well together as a circle of friends.
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
I hope i can have some male friends like you,hahhah
@Iriene88 (5345)
• Malaysia
23 Apr 13
Friendship is more than that. We can always have male friends as friends. If they are into relationship, they will look for those available ones. However, they will still keep in touch as friends. If those who have that type of thinking, then let it be, no point to ponder on it.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
yes,no point to ponder on it,just let it be
@jaiho2009 (39175)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
I never had the same experience like what you had. Nothing changed when I got engaged and when I got married. Everything is the same and normal- I have male friends and more male friends in the office. My married status never affects having a male friend.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
that's so good!i hope i will get more real male friends in the future
@rog0322 (2829)
• Cagayan De Oro, Philippines
23 Apr 13
Hi, That was my primary concern a few years back when I got married, losing all my female friends or they shall change towards me. On the contrary, they remain the same, I even made some new friends in my workplace and every where I may go. Maybe girls are different than boys, they feel more secure now that they know I already have a wife.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
hahah.. girls feel more secure when they know you are married,but boys feel upset when they know a girl has already taken,because they donot have any chance to do something so they leave,they donot want to waste their time on somebody's wife
@ryanong (9665)
• Vietnam
23 Apr 13
i have many male closed friends but they are my classmate when i studied in univ. After that i can't have any closed male friend anymore. You are right, they say they want to make friends with you but if you have a bf or got married, they won't keep in touch with you anymore. I have such these experiences. I used to be upset about it but right now i am not upset anymore, when a man asks to make friends with me, if i have a bf, i will say i have a boyfriend, then if he doesn't keep contact with me anymore, it is ok, i don't care much about it.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
thanks for sharing. me either,when i got married,i cannot have any closed male friend anymore. you have a good suggestion,in the near future,when man asks to make friends with me,i will tell him i have a husband already.lol
@ayeeesha (1127)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
It really does. I have a couple of guy friends who I was close to way back in college. There's no malice or anything and I can talk to them about anything. We can practically goof around each other and just laugh about it. Right now, we don't talk at all. I think they're also giving me some space to avoid malice or jealousy on the part of the husband. I think to avoid any misunderstanding, this is much better. There are instances that for me, I don't consider it as flirting or whatever but for the husband, it is. So better be safe and just walk away when you can.
1 person likes this
@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
maybe it's right to do so ,i donot know... I miss and treasure those friendship and good time between us.Married with somebody doesnot mean you have to give up your old friend,but it's hurtful to know sometimes we have to keep distance from each other in order not to cause any misunderstanding
@Angelpink (4018)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Hi ! Maybe you are just too attractive and tempting that is why when you are taken it is they themselves made a way to make a distance or else they will end in trouble. This is just a hypothesis from me. Nothing wrong in having an opposite gender friend , as long as you are not attaching yourself to him and you ,maintain a decent friendship then everything will be okay.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
well said,my husband and I are open when it comes friendship with different gender. It's wonderful to have male friends in life,hope i can find some.
@dagami (1158)
• Rome, Italy
23 Apr 13
i have male friends and they've been friends of mine before and after i got married. maybe those males in your office think your husband will get jealous if he sees you with male friends so they stay away from you. why don't you ask them why they're acting like this?
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
I'm kind of person i donot like to ask them about this that directly.my friend said maybe they have feeling for me
@pomwango (1353)
• Kenya
23 Apr 13
i don't think they mean bad, its just that there are things they cant tell or talk to you about out of respect for your status and also maybe some had hopes of being more than friends to you and now their hopes are over.if the sincere ones they will keep being your friend just dont expect as many as when you were single.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
you are right,maybe some of them have more hopes
• United States
23 Apr 13
Those were not real friends of yours. I have male and female friends and they all treat me the same even knowing i have a man in my life. and they all know I am not cheating on him with any of them. they would lose me as a friend if they touched me that way.
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@Mintlin (322)
• China
24 Apr 13
Good for you ,yes,they are not real friends.I feel better right now,after all,what i'm lose are just fake friendship ,but for them ,they lost a real friend like me
@airasheila (5455)
• Philippines
23 Apr 13
Hi there Mintlin, I have experienced the same before but I guess, that is part of those growing up years.
1 person likes this
• Serbia
23 Apr 13
That is such a large discussion you started. I won't even comment on it... But in truth, especially with the old values disapearing from all over the planet, it's so bad everyone just wanna sleep with everyone. Personally, that is my one big problem in relationships and why i kinda stop having relationships, all the girls want to have a million guy friends, and i have to sit there pretending as if they dont all, or most, want something more from her. auf reminded me of my ex-girlfriend. bye