Stand Up Zombie Comedy

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I am performing stand up as a zombie in a few weeks. These are a few of the ideas I might play around with for my audience. Salt & Spoon entrance – I’ll shuffle on with a salt dispenser and a teaspoon, making as if taking parts of members of the audience, adding salt to make it more tasty. I had a tough time getting out of the grave. Six foot of clay. Is that really necessary? Still, mustn’t crumble. Shame my parents couldn’t join me. Not much point in looking for them. I know where they are. “Oh son, you should get cremated, like the rest of the family. Your granddad was cremated. So was your dad, and I’m getting cremated too. Tell me you’ll get cremated too son.” Who’s the Daddy now, eh? Who’s the daddy now? I could just murder some brains. I wonder if there are any still around. Put your hand up if you’ve still got a brain? Of course the ones who really have a brain will realize they have to keep quiet about it. The ones going ‘Me, me! I’ve still got one and waving their arms about excitedly don’t really have much a brain, and they won’t really miss it anyway. Ah, I expect there’s a few people pretending to be zombies, shuffling about like extras from Sean Of The Dead or Michael Jackson’s Thriller. I know all the tricks. If everyone just bites a chunk off the person sat to your left, we’ll know if they’re alive when they go ow! Go on, do it now – oh, alright, maybe later. Normally everyone’s up for the audience participation at these things. Why not tonight? I see quite a few of you don’t wear crash helmets to avoid those who shoot us in the head. The next thing we need to do is get fire retardant suits, like firemen use, in case they try setting us alight. It’d be like being cremated after being buried. I wasn’t in the ground long so I didn’t end up with too many maggots, not like Simpkins. I picked his out to use for fishing bait – I used to go fishing before I died, so I don’t see much point in stopping now. You should have seen the born again Christian I ate on my way here. He waved a cross at me like I was a vampire. I came back from the dead, just like Lazarus. I told him. 'I’m more born again than you.’ Whatever it was he experienced then, it wasn’t the rapture. Oh what’s this. Some messy eater has left an ear behind. Ah well, waste not want not. – jokes about the Final Front Ear. Ah, you kill me… I’m dying here. I’ll get off before I really corpse. Arthur Chappell