Solitude

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For quite literally decades, I suffered from depression to such a degree that it was easier being alone than dealing with rejection and/or embarrassment. I wasn't the most popular person in school and frequently felt that I had a target painted on my body somewhere. I often joked about being the little guy in L'il Abner comics who always had a storm cloud above him no matter how brightly the sun was shining on everyone else. Yet, I also had a pensive side that enjoyed solitude and just using my imagination to work things out in my head. It actually was one of the things that got me started writing. I could be who I wished I could be where I wanted to be without barrier or criticism. I was in my own world and therefore could be my own person - not someone else's clone or concept. I was an only child who would beg for a brother or a sister. My older cousins were eight and 13 years older and my younger cousins were 10 and 12 years younger, so no matter how you looked at it, I was alone. Of course, I did learn to entertain myself, but that didn't help me with my social awkwardness. All of these things kept me going over the years, but very few people really understood who I was or why I was. Not even I understood. But, I never gave up. I never wanted a permanent out. I just wanted some positivity in my life and contentment. I think I have found that at long last. Not perfection. It doesn't exist. Just satisfaction. (Another former PersonaPaper post that has been deleted from that site.)