If I Could Only --
@just4him (307773)
Green Bay, Wisconsin
February 24, 2016 4:28pm CST
At the moment I just want to curl up and just leave the world behind. I know what the problem is and it isn't going away, not for another month, and the longer he's here, the more depressed I feel.
I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I have to force myself to do anything.
I was so happy yesterday. He worked, so he was gone before I got up and was asleep by the time I got home last night after picking my younger son up from college.
Today, it's back to the same ole, same ole. He's been in and out, and though he hasn't said a word to me, it's just his presence here is so depressing. At the moment he's gone, and that's the way I like it, but I don't know when he'll be back.
I'm sitting here contemplating not going to AWANA tonight. I know that I will, but it's just the fact I don't want to go, that I just want to go in my room and curl up in a tight ball and just get away from the world.
Tomorrow I have counseling, and I know I need it big time. I just don't know what to do and I don't know how to go about doing it.
If I could have more days like yesterday, it would be perfect. However, that's a few weeks in coming yet.
I know I'm in trouble because I don't want to do anything. I don't want to work on my manuscript. I don't want to do any housework that really needs to be done. I don't want to go anywhere. And I don't want to do my counseling homework. I've been putting that off every day and it's not a simple assignment like writing a 500 word essay on a certain subject. It's a journal I'm supposed to keep every day. I've only worked on that a couple days since Pastor Dave gave me the assignment a month ago.
So now you know I'm in trouble emotionally. I'm so depressed I don't know how to deal with it and it's only getting worse not better. I know the answer, but that doesn't mean it will happen. I've kicked him out - he's still here.
He's been behaving, so there is no reason to call the police or anything drastic like that. He is fixing his car, and he's started back to work - light duty until the doctor gives him the full go ahead to get back to work. Still it's all taking time and it's hurting me.
I just don't know what to do. So I sit here reading your posts and commenting and appreciating the things you're doing and getting a peek at your life. It has to be better than what I'm going through right now.
I tried a little bit of humor just now in post comments. I just hope it didn't fall flat. Okay, I need to end this because I'm starting to cry.
I really do hope you all are having a terrific day. Thanks for reading.
16 people like this
16 responses
@Jeanniemaries (8237)
• United States
24 Feb 16
This is a hard post to read. There is a solution out there but it's eluding you. I'm sure your counselor will help you figure it out. You are in a valley but you aren't alone.
2 people like this
@Jeanniemaries (8237)
• United States
24 Feb 16
@just4him It may be you are not meant to climb out of it yet. It's good you are going to speak with a counselor, you will feel much more in control.
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
24 Feb 16
@Jeanniemaries If I knew the reason for the valley, it would be wonderful.
1 person likes this
@ElusiveButterfly (45939)
• United States
24 Feb 16
Depression is the pits. Yes, it is hard to find that sunny spot in the darkness, but it is out there. I keep hearing the song "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.
Big hugs to you.
Official video of Wilson Phillips performing Hold On from the album Wilson Phillips. Buy It Here: http://smarturl.it/qlsvs8 Like Wilson Phillips on Facebook:...
2 people like this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
25 Feb 16
There's no fear, I'm just depressed over the situation. My stress level is through the roof.
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
26 Feb 16
42 and homeless, which is why he's here so he had a place while he had surgery and until the doctor gives him permission to go back to work full time. He started back on very light duty this week.
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
25 Feb 16
I hope you feel better soon.
In lord we trust.
1 person likes this
@Drosophila (16573)
• Ireland
26 Feb 16
@just4him That's the best feeling..
"Sufficient onto each day, is the evil thereof" - throw your burden on the lord. That's what keeps us sane. :D
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
26 Feb 16
it sounds like the feels are bigger than your current ability to manage them. A journal entry, introspection, that bumps into those same feels. Yet, you express here, you post here. You are able to do that here? What's different about here?
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50525)
• Centralia, Missouri
27 Feb 16
@just4him I can understand that, home should be a refuge, a safe place, and right now that may not be for you. Sounds like this is a place where there is either no judgement coming back at you, or no fear of judgement. When you close your eyes and picture writing something actually down, on paper, at your home. Is there a feeling that comes to mind?
2 people like this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
26 Feb 16
The difference is that I don't know anyone here and I feel like I can just put things down easier, even if they were never read by another person. With him in my face as much as he is and the negative energy he puts off constantly, it just tears me down. Blaming me for things in his past, not being able to accept the fact I love him despite all, dropping F bombs liberally, having no respect for my home or me. It all adds up and I feel hammered into the ground.
2 people like this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
27 Feb 16
@Jessicalynnt When I'm in writing mode, I'm in a whole different world. Though sometimes I've been known to take it out on my characters. I killed a main character and had to bring him back to life in one of my books. I was extremely upset about a lot of things at the time.
1 person likes this
@Inlemay (17714)
• South Africa
25 Feb 16
that is terrible that someone is making you feel this way. Goodness you are normally a pillar of strength to all of us but now you are making us sad. Oh dear, 'I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.' look up!!
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
25 Feb 16
This pillar isn't crumbling yet. The paint is peeling 
I had a good counseling session this morning so things are looking better, and the Bible study I just finished I think was more for me than anyone else. At least it felt that way.
I had a good counseling session this morning so things are looking better, and the Bible study I just finished I think was more for me than anyone else. At least it felt that way.1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (3517)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
25 Feb 16
I felt your pain when I read your words. I'm so, so sorry you are unhappy, having to suffer. I pray things truly will be better for you.
@Elizaby (6901)
• Pensacola, Florida
25 Feb 16
STOP giving the enemy a foothold (and it is not your son I am speaking about). You need to put on some Praise music and keep it going where you are. Lay the whole situation at the FATHER's feet seeking HIM first asking Him to lift you and and carry you through this trying time. Asking HIM for wisdom how to handle this son in the same love and with the same compassion He has shown you. Show nothing before your son but the Nature of Christ (him seeing you walking around in depression is only giving him an upper hand to drive you deeper in depression). You need to overcome with the son there for that is where the true spiritual victory is going to be. Will be praying
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
25 Feb 16
I tried putting praise music on but YouTube didn't work too well as this laptop doesn't like having more than one window open, everything comes to a halt or it gets very slow and YouTube buffers every few seconds. The curtain is closed between us, so he doesn't see me or the fact I'm looking so depressed. I do try very hard not to look depressed when I leave the office.
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
27 Feb 16
@teresaschultz Thank you for this tip. It was also my laptop not allowing me to have more than one window open at a time. I'm on a new computer and everything is working great now.
2 people like this
@teresaschultz (50)
• East London, South Africa
27 Feb 16
@just4him a tip about those slow or buffering YouTube videos - start the video, then almost immediately also hit "pause" - the video will continue to load - watch the little loading bar at the bottom of the video - and then play the video shortly before the loading bar at the bottom of the video is full (or else the video will need to be started all over again) and then listen to or watch your video in peace, with no buffering etc, because it's already almost fully loaded.
@whiteream (8567)
• United States
26 Feb 16
I will prayer that things get better for you soon. God Bless, and be strong.
1 person likes this
@Tampa_girl7 (49186)
• United States
24 Feb 16
So sorry that you are going through this. Could you put his stuff out and change your locks ?
1 person likes this
@just4him (307773)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
24 Feb 16
No. That is definitely not the answer. In fact that would most likely make things worse.
@ridingbet (66857)
• Philippines
26 Feb 16
I think you should do the first move and allow yourselves to sit down and talk things over. Maybe there is a problem that he does not want to share you.
