Huntin' crabs in the crabapple trees (featuring the return of BillyJoe JimBob Brewsucker)

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Lemme tell ya 'bout somethin' here... I had me a real long day down at the bar the other night...drunk so much Officer Robby Joe had to give me the choice of a ride home or a ride to the drunk tank...I chose home. Anyways, I was purty worned out the next day and sittin' in the den with m' feet propped up wonderin' just what all I did the night before when all the sudden I heared all this honkin' noise...sounded like a diseased goose. So I got up an' looked out the winder and ol' BillyJoe JimBob was a honkin' up a storm in m' driveway. (I dint see no clouds appearin' so he must've not been doin' it right or somethin'.) Anyway I figgered iffen I wanted any peace and quiet, I'd have to go out there an' tell 'im to stop. So I did. Anyway, ol' BillyJoe JimBob, he was wond'rin' iffen I wanted to go out crabbin' with 'im. Now, I was kinda wored out from th' night 'fore, but I shore do loves me some fresh crab legs, an' I figgered I could make BillyJoe JimBob do all the work, so I 'cided I'd go. So I worked past the Taco Bell wrappers 'n beer cans 'n such 'n got sichiated in the truck. Now, I was still plumb tuckered out, so I 'cided I'd nap while we went to the beach. Weren't but about a little bit later ol' BillyJoe JimBob started shakin' me an' yellin' "We's here, get yor butt up." So I opened m' eyes...and there was trees ever where. I took a gander 'round, an' I'll be heckified iffen we weren't in Ol' Lady Marple's ol' crab apple patch. So I looked at ol' BillyJoe an' I said "Whut the feckin' heck are we doin' here?" An' he says "We's goin' crabbin'." I just looked at 'im fer a minute. I fi'nly tol' 'im, I said "Boy...you doned lost it. In fact, I don't think ya ever had it. We ain't gonna find no crabs in a crab apple patch." An' ol' BillyJoe told me "Yes we will...why I got a whole case of 'em here the other day." Well...first thing I done was pinch myself...an' nope, I wasn't dreamin'. This was really happenin'. So I looked at ol' BillyJoe and I said "Boy...you best 'splain yerself here." An' he tol' me. Seems like ol' BillyJoe had the stomach flu or some such nonsense the other day, and he got t' feelin' so poorly he went to see Doc Hatchet to get somethin' for 'is belly. Well, ol' Doc poked and measured and prodded and all, an' fi'nly gave ol' BillyJoe some Pepto Bismal and some kinda cream. An' it seems the Doc said BillyJoe must've had the biggest case of crabs he'd ever seen. And the Doc asked if he'd been with anybody lately. An' BillyJoe said him 'n MarySue MaryJo MaryAnn MaryEllen had been hangin' out down in Ol' Lady Marple's crab apple patch. (MarySue MaryJo MaryAnn MaryEllen was born a poor girl, 'n her Maw figgered she wouldn't have much in life, so she gave her a bunch o' names just so she'd have a lot of somethin'.) So Doc says he must've got them crabs while with her. An' BillyJoe...well, he tol' me him 'n her got purty likkered up, and he dint remember ever thing that happened, but if ol' Doc said so, he must've got them crabs while in th' patch, an' ate 'em all, an' that must be what gave 'im the belly ache, an' he wasn't drinkin' today (yet) so he figgered he'd get a mess while he was still sober so he could enjoy them an' remember it. I just looked at 'im. Then I told 'im I really wasn't feelin' too good, an' maybe he'd just best haul me back home an' come back out by his self to go crabbin'. Sometimes, it's best just not to try to 'splain things to that boy.