It's Okay (Journal#2)

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Life gets so hard sometimes. There are days when I wake up and I don't like what I see, and it's not because I think I'm fat or ugly, it's more than that. It's as if I don't even like being me. I gets so frustrated that I take it out on others, then think about what I've done, I feel so guilty because I know that deep down that person is not me. I look at how I've been living my life lately, and I haven't accomplished any of the things that I wanted. All I seem to do these days are work and sleep, the same exact thing every single week. I try to stay positive and keep it together, but I am struggling. It just feels so hard to be happy lately. I worry that soon enough I'll lose confidence and give up completely, settle for something average and become the person I never wanted to be. Even as I am writing this all I keep thinking is God I sound so depressing, and soon enough people will get bored and you'll all just leave, and so I have to force every bit of my energy into being enthusiastic and happy, when that is so far from the reality. It's sad because all people see is what I show them on the outside, they have no idea about all the hurt and pain I hide, how I cry myself to sleep at night, or the fact that I avoid seeing friends because I don't want to show them this side. I feel so overwhelmed and empty all that the same time. But it's in that moment when you're the most down, you realize that you need to keep going. I know it sounds cliche, but I think that sometimes we need to be reminded that it's okay to not be okay, and the biggest problem is that we just don't communicate. We try to pretend that everything is fine while we suffer silently. Come home after a tough day and break down when no one else is looking. We don't even think about it anymore, it's just become a part of daily routine. Shut out the deepest part of ourselves and put on our bravest face, it's a sad reality in a modern society. If you're going through a tough time right now, and you're putting all of your energy into just getting through another day, just know that I think you are incredibly brave, because I know how hard that really is. You'll be okay, in fact, we'll be great. ... P.S. This journal series that I have started, I am speaking personal thoughts, but this series is for anyone who is going through a specific thing that I am referring to. A way for readers to know that they are not alone. I do hope that this helps someone, or even brings joy just by reading.