Feeling a Little Worthless
By Star_disgate
@star_disgate (911)
Phoenix, Arizona
June 13, 2016 7:29am CST
I should have known this feeling would hit me hard. Lately, I have just felt like I am worthless. The feeling really hit hard earlier. My dream is for me to become something before my grandparents pass away. I had to call them to tell them my oil light was on in my car and we are broke. I could hear the disappointment in my grandma’s voice. My fiance noticed it on his way home, but he saw the wrong thing. It was actually the check engine light.
Anyway, when we went to check the oil, it was dark, so we really couldn’t see it. So we thought it was empty. When I called her back to tell her we double checked and everything was fine, the tone in her voice sounded as though it was something I made up to get money.
I just feel so useless with all this medical stuff going on. I am tired of disappointing people. I can’t work right now, because of all the flare ups I have and because we are trying to get to the bottom of it.
I wish my writing was brilliant enough to become something big. I guess all of this is hard to explain. This is more of a vent I guess. I just want to feel like I am something. Like I become something. I want them to be proud of me.
My sister is a manager at a store. My brother is in the U.S. ARMY. I have done a few things , but nothing anyone remembers. I used to work as a Pharmacy Tech in training. When my mom said she was ordering her training license and I told her how it worked when I did that, she acted like it was news to her.
I know I wrote a book, but it is not something anyone is really proud of me for. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I know I have a bit of writer’s block. I remember reading thing about Anne Rice and how when she had writer’s block, her husband had her write two pages a day. It seemed to work for her. It might be something I want to give a try.
Maybe one day, I will actually be able to see my family proud of me.
3 people like this
4 responses
@WorDazza (15826)
• Manchester, England
13 Jun 16
I have been laughed at by a member of my wife's family when I said I had written a book so I sort of know how you feel. Most people haven't a clue just what an achievement writing a book is. Sometimes you just have to accept that some people, even close family members, can be too wrapped up in their own lives to even worry about whether or not their actions/opinions are hurting you.
I know you want to make your family proud but you have to stop putting this pressure on yourself to please other people and stop looking for validation in other people's opinions of you.
Whatever you decide to do in life, do it for you, not to seek approval from others.
3 people like this
@WorDazza (15826)
• Manchester, England
13 Jun 16
@star_disgate Everybody, to some extent, seeks approval especially from family and friends. We wouldn't be human otherwise. The trick is to not let it be the driving force behind your every decision.
And at some point you have to learn that, no matter what you do, some people will never approve!! That's their problem not yours!
@star_disgate (911)
• Phoenix, Arizona
13 Jun 16
There is an aunt I have on my dad's s that doesn't seem to care about my siblings and I, until it can benefit her. When my brother joined the ARMY, she acted like they were super close. Then when I wrote my book, I gave a signed copy to another Aunt and the other Aunt wanted to know why she didn't get one. Luckily, my parents taught me manners. I know how to act around them.
I hate that I always feel like I need approval from my family.
2 people like this
@Druscilla034 (379)
• United States
13 Jun 16
I know that feeling....I tend to feel that way at times. Especially because I'm a pretty lazy gal....and I just look around and see all the things I should be doing....but that dang TV just keeps me so distracted...but then some days, when I sleep really, really well the night before, that's when I try to accomplish as much as I can.
As for your Grandparents, you need to know something. I made promises to my Grandma that I just had a really hard time following through with....she is now on the other side 
...but I still honestly feel like she's still around....watching me, etc. And guess what...I am now doing all of the things she wanted me to do. And she knows it...and is smiling. 
My point is, don't rush. You have all the time in the world, even if your Grandparents pass before you can do things to make them proud. You will still have the chance later on....you always have a chance to do what you want....even if it takes years. Good Luck, and quit beating yourself up. 
...but I still honestly feel like she's still around....watching me, etc. And guess what...I am now doing all of the things she wanted me to do. And she knows it...and is smiling. My point is, don't rush. You have all the time in the world, even if your Grandparents pass before you can do things to make them proud. You will still have the chance later on....you always have a chance to do what you want....even if it takes years. Good Luck, and quit beating yourself up. 2 people like this
@star_disgate (911)
• Phoenix, Arizona
13 Jun 16
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much your comment means to me. I can see exactly what you mean. I know it might take time, but I hope to reach my goals.
1 person likes this
@Shavkat (141905)
• Philippines
13 Jun 16
I know where it is coming from. There are times that we feel in the darkest days. Things will be fine. I think people around are worried about you. I am sure there will always light after darkness. If you want to be writer, ten follow your heart. I read the real story of Harry Potter's author. It is very inspiring. She started in a difficult situation but managed to uplift herself.
