Today I Tortured My Sons

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Today my sons ran for their lives. All it took was me uttering one little word: "Haircut" The youngest didn't know what he was in for. He's only dealt with the Hair Clipper Assault once before. He manned up pretty well and made it through without a single whine or cry. This time he wiggled a bit but his red locks soon hit the floor and then he was off to the showers with daddy. So far the battle has been easy. Alas, I knew it wasn't meant to last! I call for our eldest male child. He takes one look at the hair clippers and tries to book it. "Get back here!" I order, and he slinks to his seat like a man on his way to the electric chair. I wrap the sheet around his neck and set the clippers to humming. Before I touch a hair on his head he's got his shoulders hunched. "Sit up straight!" I bark. The clippers touch his head...and immediately get caught in his thick hair. "Ye-OUCH!" I wrangle and finagle his head. Every few seconds, the clippers hang up on his hair and growl angrily at us. My son starts spitting at the hairs that touch his lips. He's got what looks like a chia pet on his chin. "Are you done yet? Are you done?!" He begs. I mercilessly go on. Just when he thinks we're finished and he can make his escape, I remove the quarter-inch shield guard so I can buzz the back of his neck and around his ears. He about dies, right there on the spot! I barely excuse him before he's fleeing to the shower, grateful for his life. The next round is about to begin! I sigh, push back the pile of hair, snap the sheet, and call for the next boy. Again, the first sweep of hair snags. The screaming begins. "You're hurting me! You're hurting me! Aaaaaaaagh!" I'm done with the front half when he starts shrieking, "I can't do this anymore! It's too much! I want to be done now! I want to be DONE!" I pause for a moment. The words sounded eerily familiar. Oh, yes. Those are the same words I shriek during labor! "Dude, if I can endure twelve miserable hours of labor to bring you into this world, I think you can survive a 5 minute hair cut!" I snap, and continue my attack. We finish. He makes it out alive. I sweep up the mound of hair, put away the clippers, and inspect the ranks. The boys look good. I remind them that they have a couple months of reprieve before their next round of torture. I can't wait!