When I was fifteen.. part 3

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Technically "when i was sixteen" but yeah.. Part three: When my daughter was three and a half months old she randomly started screaming one night and when I went upstairs to get her she had red marks on both of her cheeks. Her father was the only one in the room with her, and told me she must have slept on her binkie. The next day he convinced me not to take her to her doctor to be checked because his mom and aunts told him the same thing happened to their kids as babies.. Later on we went to sign up for GED classes, and one of the workers noticed her face was a little red but now a tad bruised and asked what happened. I told them exactly what I thought, since its what I was told. Next thing I know DCF is at our house and telling me to take my daughter to the doctors to be checked out. Which my mother and I did. Then as we're putting the baby in her carseat to leave, they stop us and say they're sorry but their boss said they have to take her. ! But gave my mom and I a chance to hold her and say we love her.. not her father. I was literally destroyed! My mom called friends to talk to me and come see me but I wanted nothing to do with anyone. Locked myself in my room. Few hours later the cops showed up to take the father for questioning. We followed incase they needed to ask us anything, and to bring him home. Welp. Found out that he's hurt my daughter a few times. And not only did he admit it to the police but he also admitted it to my mother and I when we walked out of the police station and asked him if it was true or just the police saying it.. ! The f! How! Why! She's only a baby! Next day the cops arrested him. While I went and had my first of many visits with my babygirl. Now we both had visits once a week for an hour, and things we had to do to get her back.. but he barely did his list of things, and only went to about 6 visits - in a span of 3 months.. terrible.! So the judge immediately made him sign his rights over. I on the other hand fought the whole year and a half for my babygirl by doing my entire list, going to every visit, getting more visits for going to visits and doing my list.. And still I never got her back.. because the courts never put him in jail. In fact he was still going to court on his charges when the custody trial came.. So he was still considered a threat to her. So at the custody trial.. I had no choice but to sign my name and do an open adoption. Which is just one letter every December telling me about my daughter. Then when his charges case finally did end, he only got probation and a few fees to pay!!! So all I wanted was to cut myself, and die. Because why not? Its not like I had my daughter to live for anymore. And thats how I felt for months and even years. And how I still feel sometimes, minus the cutting and attempting to hurt myself parts. But its normal. Cause its the depression and pain. Now yes, the whole thing is completely unfair to me, but even more so to my daughter. And I will never forgive my ex for what he did, and the pain it has caused me EVERYDAY! Ps: I didn't write these posts for pity. I wrote them for my story to be heard and for people to understand that you cant trust anyone.