Our last visit
By Courtney
@Courtlynn (67089)
United States
April 2, 2017 12:48pm CST
My last visit with my daughter was December 2009. It was the week before Christmas, and she was only about 18months old.
My mom was there, as she was allowed to be at all the visits cause I was only 16years old.
And being our last visit and right before Christmas, they said my Mom and I could bring presents and such for the visit..
So we brought at least ten wrapped presents, A Christmas dress for her to wear for the visit and to take pictures in that came with a matching dress for a doll we had wrapped up, and three of those cute antleer headbands. One for each of us.
The two hour visit seemed to have gone by so fast. But we spent the time hugging, kissing, taking pictures of and with my baby, and watching her open all her gifts with her very smiley face.. Then playing with all the toys we got her. Plus I played our song "Picture" by kid rock, and sang to her one last time. 
So I guess it was a good, fast visit.
But when we had to leave, I started tearing up and kept telling her I love her and to have a good Christmas. And to be a good girl. And she then looked at me, smiled and gave me a big hug and kiss. And then my mom said bye to her and that she loved her and to be good, and she did the same to my mom.
Then as the supervised worker started to walk away with her, she started crying and looking back at us.
I think she knew..
I know even at 18months, she understood who we were and that we loved her. Otherwise she wouldn't have been the way she was with us every visit, and cried every time the visits ended. Especially this last time.
It sucked to know I'd never see her again for at least 17 years, but it hurt even more seeing her cry when they walked away at the end of the visit...
So I guess it was a good, fast visit.
But when we had to leave, I started tearing up and kept telling her I love her and to have a good Christmas. And to be a good girl. And she then looked at me, smiled and gave me a big hug and kiss. And then my mom said bye to her and that she loved her and to be good, and she did the same to my mom.
Then as the supervised worker started to walk away with her, she started crying and looking back at us.
I think she knew..
I know even at 18months, she understood who we were and that we loved her. Otherwise she wouldn't have been the way she was with us every visit, and cried every time the visits ended. Especially this last time.
It sucked to know I'd never see her again for at least 17 years, but it hurt even more seeing her cry when they walked away at the end of the visit...9 people like this
9 responses
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
Almost nine! Unless she comes to find me first. Which im hoping for but also not getting my hopes up for. You know
3 people like this
@Juliaacv (56374)
• Canada
2 Apr 17
@Courtlynn Wouldn't that be sweet, but I can only imagine how it would be better for you not to get your hopes up, you have a lot of living to do in 9 years.
2 people like this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
@Juliaacv honestly, i dont want to do anything in life too much. Cause all i want is to be with her again. Thats all i care about.
3 people like this
@LeaPea2417 (40058)
• Toccoa, Georgia
2 Apr 17
I feel so bad reading this. When you eventually get to see her again in 17 years, she will have come to knowing her adopted parents are her parents. When she realizes who you are, it will be kind of like you have become an extra Special Aunt to her. Does that make sense? You will still have a Special Place in her life. That is why I really like Open Adoptions. It allows a Special relationship between the Biological Parent and Child to continue to exist.
3 people like this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
I understand, but i hate it. Because biologically, I am her mother and I should be as such to her. And maybe she will call me mom when shes older if she comes meets me and finds out what happened. I've seen it happen to people. And the people who raised them were okay with it because they understood that the children did have other parents first. And its up to the child to decide what you are to them not the people who raised you.. you know.. thankfully its just 9 more years. But who knows. Thats why i dont want to get my hopes up too high for any of it.
2 people like this
@tammys85 (31424)
• Baltimore, Maryland
26 Dec 18
@Courtlynn It's okay, I'm sure there are tons of things I've never responded to. It happens.
I know, but I hope I'm right. Love you too. 
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
30 Dec 18
@tammys85 I wish they didn't disappear when you don't get to them, but go to another tab - like - over a week old or something.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
25 Dec 18
apparently I never commented on this, sorry..
and thank you.. hopefully I will, but really, just never know.
love you
1 person likes this
@chrissbergstrom (10767)
• Banks, Oregon
4 Apr 17
This breaks my heart for you so much i don't even know what to say i feel like are justice system is extremly flawed and they failed you i wish you could somehow reopen the case and get custody of you're daughter back i am so sorry
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
4 Apr 17
My boyfriend said the same thing when i met him 6months after the last court date. But theres nothing that couldve been done then or now. If i had a real lawyer for my case, maybe things wouldve ended different. But i couldn't afford one at 15 so court appointed one it was. Plus she seems happy and healthy there
1 person likes this
@Happy2BeMe (99353)
• Canada
2 Apr 17
I teared up reading this. I can only imagine how difficult this must have been for all of you and how hard it still it. I am so sorry we have to go through this. Someday you will see her again.
3 people like this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
Its definitely still hard everyday. Especially her birthday and holidays. Just sucks. But feel like people are annoyed in real life and online when i talk about her. So i dont do it much anymore. Which is why this is only post 4 of her out of like 50-60 that ive done.
2 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99353)
• Canada
2 Apr 17
@Courtlynn it is good for you to talk about her. It helps you deal with all that you are going through without her in your life.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (40230)
• United States
2 Apr 17
I'm so sorry. :-( BUt, 1/2 the time is already gone until you get to see her again :-)
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
Yesss! Thats what i keep telling myself! But also feel like she wont want to know me and know what really happened, that she'll just be mad that she was adopted, but love her family she grew up with. And not want to know anything or anyone.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
3 Apr 17
@FayeHazel they write me once a year (in December) telling me about her. But i cant write back or send her anything or get anything else on her like pics or school reports.
Some kids do want to know others dont.
@FayeHazel (40230)
• United States
3 Apr 17
@Courtlynn Do her adopted family keep in touch with you? I used to watch this TV special with real people who were reunited with birth parent/s - it seemed like most of them were curious/wanted to know the story and the birth parent.... I would be hopeful of this... :-)
@PatZAnthony (14749)
• Charlotte, North Carolina
3 Apr 17
It is a terrible thing that some parents have to go through this. We have met a few people who had similar situations. They all reunited with their children. That will happen for you too @Courtlynn
1 person likes this
@PatZAnthony (14749)
• Charlotte, North Carolina
4 Apr 17
@Courtlynn She will be looking for you and want to meet you. That is just a natural thing that will happen. With records being so open now, she might find you before she is 18.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
4 Apr 17
It might. I hate saying it will because dont know honestly. But thank you.
1 person likes this
@Courtlynn (67089)
• United States
2 Apr 17
Had no choice. As stated in my third part to my "when i was fifteen" posts.
1 person likes this
