I Can't Believe We're At The End of October Already

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It doesn't even feel like October here in northern California, as it's been unseasonably warm most the month. Here we are, just a few days away from Halloween and experiencing temperatures in the upper 80s. Yesterday and the day before it hit 90. Down in southern California, it was 104! Normally I live for this time of year but this year I'm just not in the spirit. I didn't even really decorate for Halloween. I put out a few knick-knacks and that was it. Usually I bust out all my many Halloween knick-knacks and decorations at the end of August, or early September, at the latest. I haven't watched many of my favorite Halloween specials this year either. I just finally got around to watching It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. I have barely burned any of my pumpkin candles. I have no plans to dress up on Halloween and haven't bought a pumpkin for carving into a Jack-O'-Lantern or gotten any candy, either. This year my depression has stolen my enthusiasm for my favorite holiday. I will allow myself to let it steal it this year. I am allowing myself to mourn all the "could have beens" that will never be. Since I just found out this spring that I cannot have children, and will likely be having surgery in the near future to seal the deal, the holidays are a bit hard. I always imagined that someday I'd have a little Stacy of my own to dress up and take trick-or-treating. I didn't realize that the last time I took my youngest brother trick-or-treating would be the last time I would ever get to participate in Halloween festivities. I always thought that someday the holidays would be magical again, once I had a family of my own. Even though I don't even necessarily want kids, at least not now, there was always a part of me that thought it would happen eventually. There is a big difference in deciding you don't want kids (at least not yet) and being told you can't have them, period. So Halloween this year is not happy for me. I will be seeing the specialist in Berkeley on Halloween day to discuss my surgery options. Thanksgiving and Christmas will likely be hard, too, especially if I'm recovering from surgery, assuming I can get it done soon. I don't even know if I will put up a Christmas tree this year. The holidays -- particularly Christmas -- are always hard for me anyway, as I always feel regret for the family I never had, as another year falls away from me. This year is going to be especially hard, but then the whole year has been hard. And that is okay. I am going to allow myself to grieve. I won't beat myself up over feeling the way I do. Hopefully by next year I'll have the holiday spirit back again, and I'll be able to celebrate. Or maybe this time of year will just always make me sad.