A perfectionist Mother

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I'm an only child in my family so all the attention and expectations were drawn upon me. Since I was a kid, I have never had a special bonding with my mother. She always busy at work and give me nothing but a massive told-off everytime I make a small mistake... When she's really angry at me, she will always poke, slap or shout at my face. She always tell my dad to discipline me and hit me too. But my dad is the totally opposite of her. My dad understands me and talk to me like a person, that's why I love my dad more than her. I have never raise my voice to my father. My mum always curse me that my life will be like hell and I will not be blessed because I always bring troubles, mess, mistakes and I have never made her happy. Like it is my fault why I was born in this world. She told me before that I should have died and she wished i should have not her child. Like literally it was my fault, everything is my fault. I am so fed up for how many years of what I heard and experienced from her. I always pray that I don't want to put hatred on my heart since she is my mother.. I grew up never understood by my mum and always heard that it is my fault why our life's situation is like this now. To be honest, I am so so afed up with her and her attitude. I can't take up of all the emotional hurt I gained from her since I was a kid till now. I promised my self to love my children and let them grow in an environment where they will.love me and respect me as their parent. I will make sure that my children will grow in a harmonuous environment and not in a perfectionist and strict way. #imtired #fedup #mymotherhatesmetoomuch