Greggs Cake Sellers To The Stars

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This was a spoof I wrote about researching every bit of trivia imaginable regarding science fiction writers. The three authors mentioned are real, The late great Iain M Banks, Adrian Tchaikovsky and Charles Stross (both of who were attending the Ytterbium science fiction Eastercon convention this year). As many of you know I have just written a book on pub signs relating to science fiction, but I’m not plugging that tonight. Instead I’m talking about my uphill struggle to promote my follow up book, Branches of Greggs The Bakers Frequented By Science Fiction Writers. Well, who wouldn’t want to read that? Take the Greggs on Market Street in Edinburgh for example. I have it on good authority that Iain Banks bought a Cornish Pastie there in August 1998. Is there a blue plaque to commemorate this momentous occasion? No. Who knows how much that pastie might have inspired chapter 12 of Look To Windward. Another case in point, the Pound Bakery in Preston. Sources inform me that Adrian Tchaikovsky bought a crusty cob there recently. Naturally, I went in to enquire more. I asked the staff what they recalled. Here are some of the answers I got. “Adrian who?” “Tchaikovsky? “Do yer mean that bloke wot wrote the Aching Elf Overture?” “Why? What’s he done? Are you with the police?” “Are you buying owt or what?” and finally, “Do you mind moving out of the way Sir, you’re holding up the queue.” Obviously a conspiracy there, I thought, but never mind, Adrian being at the convention I asked im directly what he bought that momentous day. He gave me a brief statement that I’ll quote to you in full now. “B!##@R OFF.” Not the revelation and insight into a great mind I hoped for, and such secrecy is a mystery. I myself had a nice Almond Slice for lunch. See, I’m not ashamed. Finally, there’s the mystery surrounding Charles Stross. I’ve been following him round for months. In the interests of research obviously, not like a stalker. That would be creepy. Bizarrely, I’ve yet to see him pop in any cake shops at all. Surely he must fancy a cream bun or a chocolate éclair some time. One day he will come out of a shop clutching a Ginsters and I’ll get a photo for the front cover of the book. Sadly, no publisher shares my vision so far so I’ve resorted to crowd-funding. I’m up to 47p already, thanks to my mum…. Leaving her purse lying around. I’m sure you’ll all buy a copy when it comes out, eh? Thanks for listening. Other performers touched on correct ways to fold electric cables and John Lennon songs, and why Benjamin Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space 9 should be running the World. Arthur Chappell