Parenting is hard

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Every single parent has their own parenting style that works for them. Parenting is tough in that no matter what you do someone has an opinion and someone thinks you're doing everything wrong. Who knows? Maybe I am. The point is he is my kid and I do what I think has to be done. I don't always do everything right there are times I sit and worry if I'm doing more harm than good. Am I messing him up? Am I waiting too late to do this? Should I have done this when he was younger? When do I talk about this or that? They're all questions I ask myself. I always doubt my decisions but I'm doing the best I can. I feel that's how most parents are. We all sort of just stumble along and figure it out as we go. Maybe we make some therapy inducing decisions maybe we don't. No one really has all of the answers even though some people think they do. Even the parenting "experts" don't all agree. You really don't know how you'll be as a parent until you have kids. It's one thing to think you know it's another to be thrown in the trenches full time. You can't know unless you're there. I do my best not to judge other parents because I understand how hard it is. I get that all kids are different. Unless what you're doing actually truly harms your child then it's no one's business. The truth of the matter very few if any children actually come out of childhood completely unscathed because we are all parents just doing the best we can and sometimes it isn't enough. It's a scary realization to know how much damage you can do without even really trying. I think the only thing we can truly do is make sure our children know they're loved and let them know we aren't perfect but we really are doing our best to make sure their needs are met. Kids all need different things they all learn differently and behave differently because they all have different personalities and you can't entirely parent them all the exact same way because they are so different. My mom found she could relax more with me because I was a mellow child. Yes, she was easier on me than most of my older siblings but that's also because I responded to a simple warning and some of them didn't. I was very easy going and laid back and I listened the first time most of the time. I was easy in comparison to most of my siblings so her parenting was more lenient. It was tailored to my personality. My parenting with my son has changed as he has grown. My son was a difficult toddler but he's a relatively easy 8-year-old. I found I could relax some as he got older. He still can be difficult and has his share of issues that I have to deal with but as a whole, he's very trustworthy and responsible. I deal with a lot of his anxiety and have had to do some things slowly. He still can't ride a bike because he's terrified to try. I often wonder if I've failed him since he's eight and can't ride one but it's something that's on my list of things to do with him this summer along with teaching him to swim which again I wasn't able to start until this year due to his extreme fear of the water. It doesn't help that we live in an apartment and don't have a lot of space to teach him how to ride a bike. I constantly feel like I've failed him. I think about all of the things I could do at his age by myself and how he can't do many of them. I was riding a bike at six and making a lot of my own food by the time I was 7. I was very independent at his age in a way he isn't. I've done things differently with him because I've had to. He has anxiety and is always so afraid of messing up and getting hurt that everything has had to be done in its own time. I often think I'm messing up and maybe I am but I do what I feel is best for him. It's not the way everyone parents but we are different and our kids are different. Every time he does something new that I've taught him I am so incredibly proud of him. I am the one who has taught him all of the big milestones in his life and to see that he recognizes this and knows that we did it together and how proud he is that I'm his mom it makes my day. My son is eight and is still so proud that I'm his mom. When he sees me he still comes running to give me a hug. I hope that he always remembers these times. I have fought for him in the only way I know how. When I see he needs help I do my best to make sure he gets it. They told me he wasn't doing well in school behaviorally so I got answers. I talked to his doctor and we got a diagnosis and we went to his school and made sure he got the help he needed. I didn't use his diagnosis as an excuse either. If he got in trouble at school he got in trouble at home. He learned that bad behavior has consequences and that he has to listen to his teacher and he did. His teachers commended us for taking his behavior seriously and working with him. I just remember being at a loss for so long trying to figure out why he was acting out. He went from doing well behaviorally to doing horribly. We didn't know what shifted. It was out of nowhere. I remember just laying in bed at night worrying that I was failing him. I was worried that he wasn't getting what he needed and wondering if I was handling it correctly. I remember just praying for answers that everything would work out. We later got him diagnosed and put in OT and his school has been working with him and his bad behavior just stopped out of nowhere. I remember before winter break he was constantly in trouble and I just didn't know what to do. We took him to get an official diagnosis on Christmas eve and before the new year, he was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder. Somewhere after his diagnosis but before school started back up we just noticed a shift in his behavior. The meltdowns stopped. He just started acting older and when he went back to school we were told he was doing well and stopped having meltdowns. We to this day don't know why it happened so quickly. it wasn't even gradual it just stopped out of nowhere. We sort of wonder if having a diagnosis helped him. Maybe knowing it wasn't just him and that there was something there making him behave a certain way helped but we don't know. He still has issues but his OT has helped tremendously he's almost a completely different kid. I prayed for answers and I got them. I still fail as a parent but I know that I do everything for him and I keep going because I have to. I know there are going to be more moments of struggling and I know not everyone is going to agree with my parenting but it doesn't matter what they think what matters is the end result. My son knows I love him more than anything or anyone and I think that's what counts. He loves me no matter how much I fail. We talk about things and I try to be as honest with him as I can. I just hope that he knows that despite my many flaws that every good thing I do I do for him and even when I fail I was trying to do the right thing even if I did it in the wrong way.