21 zygotes

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The years of my life between 30-40 were spent trying to have a baby. Steven and I both came from big families and we thought we would have one too. Nope. I had 4 surgeries, numerous cycles of testing, shots, and drugs. One ectopic pregnancy that ended in more surgery and depression. Two cycles of invitro fertilization that resulted in 21 zygotes, implanted 7 at a time. 21 potential human beings never made it into this world. [side note; maybe that makes me a murderer because perhaps they would have survived in some one else’s body.] I had an irrational hatred of pregnant women. I would not, could not go to a baby shower (and everyone was having them). My support group assured me that my feelings were normal. I thought of this time in my life as the dark decade and I knew my life would take a non-normative trajectory from here. And I was deeply sad, deeply, deeply sad. Anyway, never did I ever once think, wish, imagine, never under any circumstances would I ever have thought that some other woman should carry her unwanted pregnancy to term so that infertile women like me could benefit. My body, my choice: Her body, her choice.