Very Unusual Day ... Unlike Myself

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Today when sitting here at my computer I began to experience such an overwhelming sense of sadness. I tried to shake it off ... normally, I can do that. I've never had anything that happens in the world ... outside my personal life affect me like today's crisis, and of course ... when 9-11 happened. Today ... and over a period of time now ... I've watched, listened ... tried to put trust in our leaders, believe ... find hope in an uncertain time. I've failed to find any peace at all to make me know all is going to be alright. I can't seem to grasp onto anything ... We don't have anyone in leadership that makes ME feel, know hope ... I only feel sadness. For those who have hope, faith in today's leaders ... I am so glad for you ... you won't suffer for now. In the future ... things could change. But, that will be for you ... not me. Things have already changed and I'm seeing, feeling it. I wish I could be like those who see, hear differently than I do ... I wouldn't feel this awful sadness inside from all that's happening to everyone, our world. This is another one of those dreaded 'first-times' that is happening too often now in this past year. Why too often? Because the 'first-times' that are happening in our lives now ... aren't good things. They create fear, sadness, upset ... we aren't sure of anything anymore. I can 'see' why people panicked ... I didn't panic ... but, I can 'see' why they did. They know something is wrong in their world but, what ... no one really knows. They go out ... do the only thing they know to do in an emergency ... buy toilet paper, hand-sanitizer. Yes, those are 'silly' things to run, do. Of all things to buy out, to cause serious shortages of ... they buy toilet paper, hand-sanitizer. They thought that's all they needed to do to keep their little worlds intact ... safe ... was to buy up all the toilet paper, hand-sanitizer they could. Now ... they are seeing they are sitting on a lot of toilet paper, hand-sanitizer while their worlds are ... just now ... beginning to crumble beneath them. That wasn't what they needed to begin with ... if they had kept a clear head ... make good decisions they would have seen they didn't need to panic. They just needed to have onhand supplies for several weeks ... do as they were instructed to keep themselves, their loved ones safe as possible. Now ... like sowing a garden ... we will see what they are going to ... grow. When our own leaders contribute in negative ways ... to affect us in our own personal life ... our minds ... it becomes overwhelming. One finds themselves trying to keep faith, keep hoping ... we have to hold onto those two things especially in times such as this. I mean to hold on to mine ... today I ... almost gave up. The sense of sadness washed over me today drowning me in its soft, dark waves ... I felt like letting go ... and let it wash me away back out into the sea of darkness. I know that sea only too well ... I lived in it for years after my son died. I don't want to go back ... I love the light, I love life ... I want to live. I felt like giving up ... no one sees what's happening ... what's yet to come. I sense it is going to be ... 'bad'. I mean to live, I mean to not let despair, loss of hope for the future to pull me down. I mean not to give up ... I've come too far in my life ... since a child. One battle after the other I have fought to be here ... this moment. I'm fortunate to be here ... now. How I've found the strength to keep on living from a little child to now ... amazes me. No one would believe my life ... sometimes, I can't. I smile now in a sad way ... no one knows either how I struggled, I wept ... I have fought so hard to come up each Life knocked me down to the ground. The good thing is ... I got back up, beaten, scarred ... weathered by each storm ... like a redwood tree ... I still stand strong. In the sunlight you might glimpse the stains of teardrops on my cheeks ... my eyes cried many. You might see glistening lines that are permanent where they ran down my face to drop to ... God knows where. I think of waterfalls over rocks ... pools of tears beneath. Like today ... it was unusual for me to decide to go to bed ... and sleep. It has been some time when I felt so down ... I've done that. I never do that. When my son died, I did do that ... to get away from my thoughts that were destroying me from the inside out. I slept all evening ... Skip came to wake me up. Skip always worries when I am sick ... or he senses I'm very sad. I am like that with him. We are very, very close. We understand each other ... we are best friends as well as ... soulmates, husband and wife. I'm glad he woke me, I would still be asleep tonight until tomorrow. My mind was overwhelmed by all happening in our world ... our country ... in the counties here, around us. It's getting worse ... the COVID-19 cases are increasing ... but, it seems no one is taking heed. Hospitals, medical staff aren't getting supplies, medicines, tests that have been repeatedly promised to them. Oh my God, they are having to wear the same masks, and use things over and over on different patients. I've worked in the hospital to know that's such a big NO-NO! It wasn't so long ago when we all knew if we needed to go to the hospital when we had an emergency we could. Now ... guess what? You can't ... you might not come home ... not because of your emergency but, complications ... from the novel coronavirus that is spreading in our country ... here in our county ... in this whole world we live in. Not one person is completely safe ... this can reach out to affect anyone whether rich, famous ... young, old ... anyone. It doesn't know the difference. Sitting here at this moment ... I can see I let sadness, depression pull me down this evening. It's hard to believe because I've stood up to so much for so long ... I fell down this evening ... I went to bed. I didn't get straight up. Now ... I'm back up again. I feel stronger but ... yes, there's a ... 'but' (I personally don't like the 'buts' in life). The 'but' is ... I feel this sense of 'we haven't seen anything yet' ... 'something big is going to happen' ... not good. I know things can get worse before getting better ... I'm afraid for everyone, people I know ... people I don't know ... people I've grown to love, care about. I pray for everyone's safety. I'm alright now ... I've been through too much to just lay down, give up. When I lay down on my bed today ... I did it to become stronger. I did it to rest my mind ... sometimes, we have to do that. Yes, today was a very unusual day and ... unlike myself. If you knew me ... you would have thought the same. Artwork by Gloria Faye Brown Bates.