Accept What I Can't Change ... There's Nothing I Can Do To Possibly Change A Thing

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I remember when my son died ... for years I wasn't even a real person. I couldn't cope with the knowledge he had died. The knowledge that I wouldn't ever see him again ... the knowledge I wouldn't hear my son laugh, joke again ... especially when he did his 'cowardly lion' laugh like on The Wizard of Oz. I didn't think I could survive his death. I was only one person to hold so much pain that was way bigger than Me. I slept to not think ... I lived in the darkest of dark. Nothing mattered anymore. I couldn't find joy in anything at all. I never talked to anyone, I grieved alone inside myself. When I cried ... I cried silently unless when no one was around I would cry aloud. I didn't share my pain with anyone. Skip worried for me constantly. At one point he would check to make sure I was breathing when I slept. For the first time I took medicine that was very potent ... I would take it not knowing when I last took it ... when I woke up and felt the pain I would take it again. I wasn't used to taking drugs before my son's death. Skip asked me to stop taking it, he was afraid for me. He drove a big truck and had to leave me alone for 2 weeks at a time. I had no family left to check on me ... there wasn't anyone to care for what I was going through. When Skip called (he called often all through each day) and I wouldn't hear the phone ... he'd be upset by the time he got me. I would be sleeping too deeply. I didn't recognize the woman who looked back at me in the mirror. I did see the terrible pain in her eyes. She looked so beaten up ... weight gain changed her face. I couldn't bear to look in my mirror. Until some years later when I made the decision to find peace one way or other ... I began to see splashes of light in the darkness I lived in (I realize now that was 'hope') ... in my mind I used them as stepping stones back to the light. I wanted to channel my grief in a positive way ... I was always a positive person before my son died. Oh my, it took several more years ... it was the hardest road I'd ever traveled. It was by far the worst thing that happened in my life. Even when I almost died, fought my battle to live from cancer ... that was a 3 year battle plus two major surgeries. I began to realize that no matter how much I cried, slept to get away from it ... no matter what ... nothing I could do would ever bring my son, Tommy, back. Nothing. He had died ... whether I liked it or not ... lived with it or not ... NOTHING I did would bring him back. I also ... realized that instead of wanting to sleep ... not wake up ... I ... wanted ... to ... live. I began to take each day to come back to the light ... I was an awful mess ... overweight, ugly ... an unrecognizable person to myself as my eyes opened wider. I almost gave up ... but, that famous fighting spirit I'm known for ... came back alive. That took more years ... next month ... May 29, 2010 ... will make 10 years my son has been gone. I'm okay now ... I'm at peace now ... when I have my moments of sadness which is to be expected ... it doesn't take long until I'm alright again, because ... I accepted what I couldn't change ... accepted the fact I couldn't change a thing about it. I would either go forward or not go forward. The choice was mine. I have come forward through several more crises in my life ... I've made it ... I'm here today. And now ... We have a world crisis ... our world is sick. Everything in this world has affected all globally ... we feel what the other feels. People are dying ... people are going through so much fighting their battles to live. Nurses, doctors are fighting to help them in their battles. So many things you already know about so, I won't name anymore. Many battles are going on in our world to survive. I felt like I was feeling the pain of the world ... for the past month I've been sleeping a lot ... just not myself. I felt all the emotions people are feeling today ... fear, panic (I didn't go out panic-buying up everything though), sick inside ... I wasn't well at all. For the past several days I've been trying to inspire myself to be alright again. This morning I got up feeling like myself again ... I walked to the window ... looked outside ... and thought 'I accept what I can't change ... there's nothing I can do to change it at all'. I can only love, care, protect my husband and Pups2. I can only be the best person I can be ... when I see an opening to do my part in somehow helping someone ... I will do it. That's all I can do ... accept what I can't possibly change ... go forward now. One day everything will be alright again ... no matter what ... no matter how long it takes ... one way or other ... everything will be alright.