When I Don't Think I Have The Strength To Go On ...

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As a little girl my life began good ... well, good in the sense I lived in a spotless house, wore the nicest clothes ... laughed a lot until ... One day I was dumped at my Grandma Alma and George's. Grandma Alma was the strongest woman I ever knew ... no matter she was paralyzed from a stroke. George was her husband ... he was blind. There was always a mystery surrounding how he became blind. He was the kindest man I ever knew until ... I met my husband, Skip. Skip is perfect for ME. I was too young to know my mother and step-father broke up ... and life wouldn't be good for me anymore. At Grandma Alma and George's I had to learn to live with things I'd never known before. As a child I stayed very afraid. Grandma Alma and George's house was the portal to Hell. Every demon that could come out in that house did. They would possess all her children ... all females ... they would fight, raise Hell all the time. In fact ... the room Grandma Alma and George sat in became the 'arena' for fights. The floor was old wood with cracks ... those cracks would have blood, grits of sand mixed in. Sometimes ... I would be knocked to the floor ... my face inches from the blood, sand. I would stare at it as the tears from my eyes would add to the mix. Grandma Alma and George were truly at the mercy of the world ... when someone wanted to fight ... all the ugliness would come, play out in the ... arena. I named the floor the 'arena' when I became older looking back. Oh my, the things I saw, heard as a little innocent child. How some older ladies even knew about ME ... I'll never know. They never knew when they'd come to pick me up to go to church with them ... they were the happiest moment of my young life. I didn't know it then ... I just knew I got to go where people didn't scream, cuss, fight each other. People looked at me kindly ... I heard soft, quiet voices. Thankfully ... I had a small foundation that was strong enough to last through time so, when I would travel the wrong roads as a young person ... I'd find out I didn't want to keep going ... I had that small base, foundation to come back to. I was a good person. The older women never knew they gave me something you can't buy ... no matter if I thought I wanted to follow the wrong crowd or whatever ... I would find myself not wanting to go on to be 'bad'. Thank God for those women ... they are long gone now ... if I could I would thank them for giving me something truly good back then ... that has lasted a lifetime. I look back at all the other children who were dumped at Grandma Alma and George's ... a lot of them were really affected by that life. It's sad. I'm amazed I didn't just grow up to be a crazy lunatic. I have grown up just strong enough ... to come through each bad thing in my life. If I'd had less strength I wouldn't be here now. I have been through more than the average person ... they usually have one or two tragic things happen in their lifetime ... I've had many. I look back at my past life ... it made me very strong to come this far. I look for the positive ... I never dwell on the really bad things. I let go of them long ago. So today ... when I want to ... I write about my life. If I mention 'bad' ... you'll never see me feel sorry for myself, nor wanting anyone's pity. I don't need it ... I am very strong for it all. When I made it through losing my only child, Tommy ... I became the strongest I've ever been. That's when I didn't care if I lived or died ... when some years later I began to find peace with the knowledge I wouldn't ever see him again ... is when I began to love to live again. When I don't think I have the strength to go on ... I find out I have just enough to make it.