I'd like to ask for some advice
By ElicBxn
@ElicBxn (64177)
United States
April 24, 2022 1:12pm CST
A bunch of years ago I asked advice and got some really good advice out of that.
So...
I would like to take some flowers or chocolate out to Viv's mom for Mother's Day (May 8th for those not in the States.)
Now, Viv had cut her mother out of her life back in 2018. I tried for a few years to give her mother another chance. I could see her point.
Her mother would be nice to someone's face then stab them behind their backs. According to Viv, her mother did this about me.
Honestly, I don't care.
Her opinion of me isn't high on those things that matter to me. I told Viv that, but she always said that if she did that with others, what was she saying about her.
She had a point.
However, I kind of have reached the point in my life where I do my best to, so to speak, "kill them with kindness."
I figure that if I do nice things to a 'hater' then even if they don't get it, those people around them do.
And, well, Viv and I were married, so - as much as she might hate it - she is my mother-in-law. This will be the 11th Mother's Day I've had without my mother, so...
So, my question is, and I've got most of 2 weeks to see answers, is this a good idea? Or, as another friend seemed to think, it isn't.
8 people like this
8 responses
@RebeccasFarm (91297)
• United States
24 Apr 22
I think its a fine idea.
There is absolutely no harm in being nice to anyone.
But of course, this is only if you want to.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
24 Apr 22
Well, it is my idea. I'll probably run that past my friend that knows her too. After all, her only surviving child had cut ties decades ago and lives in a totally other state. She ran him off the same way she ran Viv off, well, more the favoritism she showed Harold - may he burn in Hell. I can promise that the only daughter-in-law that has anything to do with her mostly does it because she owns the property next door that they had given the surviving son as a wedding gift. And I'm not too prone to going out there a lot, but...
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
25 Apr 22
@RebeccasFarm Thanks Ocie, I have always tried to be a good person, but I do have my limits, and Viv's brother, Harold - may he burn in Hell - took me well past my limits... 
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (91297)
• United States
25 Apr 22
@ElicBxn I think you are very good and kind
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
25 Apr 22
I guess part of it is that I'm going to see them, Viv's folks, when her nephew comes down in June with his family. If I do something this year, it is more looking at that up coming event than at past deeds. Viv's dad is 84 and her mom will be 82 in early September... I'm not getting younger and I'm not worried about a lot of things, like what they think of me. Viv and I got married in large part to protect her from them. To make sure she would get this house that she had lived in more of her life than in her parent's house....
1 person likes this
@kaylachan (84913)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
24 Apr 22
I think it's up to you. If you're on friendly terms with her, I see no harm in it. If not it might make things a little more awkward and difficult.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
24 Apr 22
@kaylachan and, ya know, maybe the across the street neighbor will pay attention to her, but do I know for sure? no...
@kaylachan (84913)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
24 Apr 22
@ElicBxn In some cases, that's best. You can't control and shouldn't try to control people. However, if you want to provide a friendly gesture, that's you. No harm in it.
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (77320)
• Philippines
25 Apr 22
If you do it, would it start an argument or a fight with your wife? If it would, I wouldn't. But if she doesn't care if you would do it, then be kind and send it to your MIL.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
26 Apr 22
@toniganzon and, ya know, it may only be this year... I know that her nephew, the only member of her family Viv had stayed in touch with, and his family will be going to have a get together, with Viv's ashes and me, out there.
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (77320)
• Philippines
26 Apr 22
@ElicBxn I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that. I think it would be ok to do it.
1 person likes this
@Chellezhere (6421)
• United States
24 Apr 22
I can empathize with you. My mother passed away in January 2021, so this Mother's Day is the second one I will spend without her. And she gave birth to me the day after Mother's Day on the year I was born, so these May weekends without her will always be bittersweet.
And I have no mother-in-law now, so I am not sure what to tell you. But I will say this. Killing them with kindness never worked. Neither my mother-in-law nor my mother's wife was ever kind to me. So, for both my physical and emotional health, I have stayed away from them. And I am happier and healthier as a result.
But, as others have said, seeing Viv's mother is entirely up to you. Traumatic events can and do change people. Maybe your visit will be just the thing she needs to brighten up what might otherwise be a sad and lonely day for her.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
24 Apr 22
I guess part of it is that I am going to have to see her/them (Viv's dad is still alive too) when 'the kids' come down for a memorial in June. I just feel that some flowers and/or chocolates can't hurt. And if it helps pave the memorial in some way, that's good too - right?
I heard that she once said about me that it was hard to hate me when I was so nice to her. And I figured 90% that hate was coming from Harold because he hated that I wasn't impressed with him.
1 person likes this
@Chellezhere (6421)
• United States
24 Apr 22
@ElicBxn Then do what you feel in your heart and believe is the right thing to do.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (64177)
• United States
24 Apr 22
That's kind of the way I feel about it. She always seems to want to make a saint out of anyone who passes, including Harold who was no saint and if there is a Hell, he's probably standing on his head in sh!t.
It isn't going to hurt me to be nice since I know what she is. Most of Viv's friends all say that the thing that saved Viv from being like the rest of her family was boarding at the Blind School, and being a lot smarter than her brothers...
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
25 Apr 22
Sweetie it depends on your feelings. I think you are a wonderful human to want to do that. But if you think she will hurt your feelings with a snide remark then don't. I loved my mom and respected one of my mothers in law so much and tried to make good vibes with them many many times only to be hurt every time. Just saying. I would hate to give you bad advice. I hope someone here can help. 
1 person likes this
