Do You Live By Your Own Declarations?

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For example, I'll tell myself (after a lot of let-downs), to never do ... whatever. For example, I told myself to stop contacting people. Whether it's an old friend, neighbor, or someone I used to play music with. Eventually, the other person will stop replying (if they reply at all).. With music, people are with you, until it's time to work. Or women I meet online. I tell myself, "Just don't send them private messages", because I have a tendency to think a lot. Imagination run amok. Or just wondering about a person. I actually called this older woman yesterday. She's 87, and hasn't been around, and I did see someone with her name pass away. The spelling was 99% close, and she seems more active than me, despite being more than twice my age. This happens especially at night. I'll say, "OK, no chat -- read a book, watch a movie, it makes you happier", but then now it's 1:40pm, and I had a phone call, but that's all over with. Yet, I'm here online and not perusing this book (or the hundreds that have been sitting here for years)... I guess I have no self-control. But I observe a lot, cause and effect, trying to be self-aware, understanding myself, and trying to avoid things that make me feel angry, upset, etc. "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... I wanna die" (the song in the background, but it's actually Chicago before they got big, with the great Terry Kath on vocals and guitar).