How do you deal with a child that has an absent parent?

@disvachic (10117)
United States
December 1, 2006 10:27am CST
My son's father is not in his life he is right here same city,state.He wont pay child support or anything. My son is 10 years old and he knows the man is around.Is it wrong for me to tell my son that his dad is not worth anything or should I let my son decide? what is your opinion on this???
6 people like this
21 responses
• Canada
1 Dec 06
I think that actions speak louder than words. As your son grows up he won't need you to tell him that his dad isn't worth anything. When he's not around and not there for him, he'll realize it for himself. All that you can do is be there for him yourself and make sure that he does have positive male role models in his life. Even if it's just a teacher or an uncle. I'm sorry that you have to deal with a guy that won't step up to his responsibilities!
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thankyou for your advice
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
1 Dec 06
To be honest I think you should let your Son decide as it will only come back on you Let him know what has been going on and let the Boy make his own decision
4 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
1 Dec 06
yea, maybe i should.Out anger i would tell my son that his dad isnt nothing.I really think my son knows that to. The last time my son saw the man was 2 years ago on christmas and he didnt even bring a dollar toy and he stayed only 30 minutes.He is so darn trifling.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
1 Dec 06
Your Son will see it himself as long as you do the right thing
4 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
1 Dec 06
thankyou
3 people like this
@kgwat70 (13388)
• United States
1 Dec 06
If you son would like to know where his dad is or wants to know what he was like, I would share that with him and let him decide. He deserves to know about his dad I think. If I was a child, I would want to know who my dad was and would like to at least talk to him if that was possible.
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
1 Dec 06
I guess I need to stop making it worst for him. Thank you.
3 people like this
@Lydia1901 (16351)
• United States
1 Dec 06
You should let the kid decide, what you think of his father and what he thinks of his father might be different, you never know.
4 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
1 Dec 06
ok,thank you. I am going to stop.
3 people like this
@vinaykant (812)
• India
1 Dec 06
I think you are doing right. i do not have any idea about it. so try ur way.
4 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
4 Dec 06
u think so?
1 person likes this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
4 Dec 06
no i dont think im right anymore,but thanks anyway
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
Through experience, I can tell you that the best thing to do by far is to stay quiet. It's not always easy but, kids can and will see what's revealed to them through their own eyes without the spin placed on it by adults. Then when this veil is lifted, you'll be placed even higher in your son's eyes and heart because you restrained yourself from bad mouthing his father. It's called "class" and what more could a child want or need than a classy parent?
4 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
1 Dec 06
Thankyou.
2 people like this
@jaginfo2006 (1757)
• India
1 Dec 06
i am not sure about that kind of situations.
3 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
16 Feb 07
why bother?
@dhicks30 (1948)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Oh boy what a question.My son is also 10. My son lives with me half of the week and his father the other half of the. I think his father is a jerk. He doesn't give him much time, he is to busy. So my son tells me. But I don't say anything bad about his dad in front of him. But that is because he does go to his dads. But if I was you I would let him decide. He is old enough. Good Luck.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thank you
1 person likes this
@eddyraj (501)
• India
2 Dec 06
one should have lot of patience to deal such children.we should keep reminding them what to do.usually such children will not be active and they will be sensitive.
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thanks
1 person likes this
@missyd79 (3438)
• United States
3 Dec 06
My son's father comes and goes from my son's life, it is very hard on my son (he is only 5) and it's hard on me too because I don't want him hurt, but I won't refuse his father to see him when he does actually want to see him because my mom did that to me while I was growing up and that isn't fair to the child either. I figured when my son grows up he will make his own opinion on his father, for right now I just have to be there for him.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
3 Dec 06
yea if he wants to see my son I am not going to dis him and not let him see him. I will be glad that the he wants to be a part of my son's life. He doesn't even call or anything.He has no part of his life and I really do feel for my son.Thankyou for your response
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
With me and my daughter we just go on as if there is no difference in our lives. I hate to say it but for me as far as having help with my daughter his absense hasn't made a difference and she hasn't said a word about it even though she is old enough to recognize pictures and know who he is she doesn't really worry about him. BUT I would never say anything negative about her father to her because what happened between us should between us and you can't tell a baby that their father didn't want them anymore after they were born :(. Just let your son make his own mind up eventually he will realize what is going. On a side note you should get your local government involved in the child support. I'm in Georgia and DFCS here has no problem reaching across state lines to make sure my ex pays what he is supposed to in most stays not paying court ordered child support can lead to jail time. If I were you I would go straight to my local government and let them know he isn't paying and all you should need is his name, birthday, and social if you know it.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
yes i have done that. he does not work and wont work anywhere. he is in the system to pay child support. thankyou for your advice
1 person likes this
• India
2 Dec 06
poor child..i guess that if you are divorced then your husband must surely provide support according to law.. but anyways if the father doesnt bother about the child,according to me he is worthless..your son would realise that soon..
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thank you
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
Well, Me having an absent parent for most of my life makes me feel knowledgable on this subject. My mother and father divorced when I was yet young and My mother got custudy. I was never working in school at all and had failing grades. That was until my father got custody of me and everything is going great. I have alot more friends and better grades. I think you should let your son decide what he thinks about his dad insted of just telling him what he's like. Let him decide on his own. Thats just my opnion.
3 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thank you for your advice
1 person likes this
• India
2 Dec 06
since your child is too small, u should not make much discussion about the topic now, let him grow a few yrs more, tell her everything & he will take his own decisions
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
okay thanks for your advice, appreciate it.
1 person likes this
@Pmcbride (1081)
2 Dec 06
I have a stepson (16) i have been in his life since he was 3 (his dad was a proper A**), he came up and told his son that he was moving to another country (son Cried & cried), and would see him maybe once a year, left his job (giving up promotions) moved to the other country and came back 6 WEEKS later, didn't see too much of his son when he was growing up (too busy going to the BAR at weekends), Took his old job back at reduced pay with no prospect of promotion, But Me and my wife (her 2nd marriage) never spoke a bad word about him to our son, Now he sees His dad's True colours (a Proper A**), so let your son make up his own mind, it will all work out.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
thank you so very much
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
No, I don't think you should say negative things about his dad. It will only backfire. It always does for some reason. Let him form his own opinions without digs and help.
2 people like this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
ok thanks
1 person likes this
@blueman (16509)
• India
2 Dec 06
i think it will be better if they come to know be themselves.
@malsun (1528)
• United States
2 Dec 06
I guess a few meetings with his father will teach the kid about his father's attitude. THe decision has to be the kid's. Just be there for him when he needs support handling the situation.
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
2 Dec 06
yea im always there for my son always
• United States
20 Jun 07
Thanks for responding to my discussion..so i will respond to your..although your child's father is not doing what he needs to do when it comes to your son talking negatively about him to your child wouldn't resolve anything. Keep your head because eventually he will get in the end..what comes around will go around....
1 person likes this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
20 Jun 07
Thank you!!I hope things will get better with your child.Take care
• United States
20 Jun 07
Thanks as well...i truly believe that things will have a way of working it self out...We just have to remember to be patience, work with what we have, and new slogan Keep It Movin.....
• United States
14 Feb 07
i never knew my dad until i was 14. he didn't pay child support. he didn't try to call me or see me. my mom told me that he wasn't worth meeting and i rebelled badly. i went and found him which i know now why my mom left him. but i think this is something he has to learn on his own. my grandpa even worked with my dad's dad. my other grandpa didnt' even mention my name all those years.
1 person likes this
@disvachic (10117)
• United States
14 Feb 07
yea this discussion was started like 4 months ago and since then i have stopped saying negative things to my son about his dad.i will let be up to him. thanks.