How Friends End Up Unwittingly Nurturing Bullies

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“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Attributed to Edmund Burke. The worst thing about someone being persistently mean, cutting, aggressively in your face or outright bullying towards you is seeing other friends get on OK with them, like them, possibly a great deal, and even willing to defend them if you protest or challenge the offender’s behaviour when you end up painted into a corner by the peer group pressure. Comments you might hear relating to some of the most toxic people you might encounter amount to, ‘He’s not so bad once you get to know him.’ ‘He can be a bit harsh, but he’s alright really.’ He doesn’t really mean anything by it.’ ‘It’s just his way, or just his nature.’ ‘He can’t help it.’ ‘He lets me stroke his dog, bought me a pint and makes a lovely cup of tea.’ ‘You shouldn’t take it so personally.’ Actual quotations I have seen lately. "It's between you two. Don't expect us to get involved. (That’s)“the kind of offhand acerbic comment that He is apt to make to absolutely anyone and is not out of character with his manner - it's the kind of thing he might well say to anyone.” He, “despite his gruff and offhand manner, is a reasonable guy.” The problem here is that in knowing the aggressor says mean things, interrupts other people, humiliates someone at every opportunity, has a lexicon of sharp put downs and hostile sarcasm, and don’t take him to task for it, they reinforce and silently reward such behaviour. It’s like throwing a fish to a dolphin for jumping through a hoop, it will jump through the hoop again, to the point at which such activity becomes second nature to it. The behaviour becomes normalised, and expected. The aggressor gets so associated with his sharp mean behaviour that people find it strange and possibly even disappointing if the activity doesn’t manifest. They end up silently admiring the take down of victim of the day, oblivious and indifferent to there being a real person with real emotional, mental, and social needs on the sharp end of it all. Then of course, the nasty activity is thrown in the face of some naive innocent invitee to the circle, who finds the comments initially harsh and unpleasant but doesn’t protest because everyone else in the room takes it as the norm, express no concern or even seem to enjoy the humiliation imposed. The aggressor, realising he has got away with it, does it again, often more aggressively and assertively - (extra fish for the dolphin going through the hoop with a double somersault), The aggressor ends up protected in a force field of apologetics. The weaknesses of the aggrieved party are highlighted. ‘If you were not depressed, in grief, and /or already diagnosed with some illness, his remarks wouldn’t get to you. You need to toughen up and get a bit more thick skinned. Just let it go instead of dwelling on it. Maybe next time it’ll be better. He said something similar to me, and I just shrugged it off. No one else feels this bad about it so you shouldn’t either, etc. It’s no big deal, you are exaggerating and blowing a minor thing out of proportion, etc. Finally the targets of the aggression either quit the social circle rather than be subjected to what becomes routine habitual abuse, or they try to call out the aggressor and end up upsetting the status quo, turning on the ‘friend’ everyone has come to see as a star attraction of the group. The aggrieved party ends up becoming the lone-wolf protester arguing for dolphin shows to be banned and hoping to get everyone to see that the aggressor’s put downs, insults, interruptions and outright abuse are seriously not cool, wanting him taking to task, obliged to apologise, or even ostracising from the group, only to find the ranks and odds closing against him. I read a biography of Satanist Alasdair Crowley which described how he was invited to a number of Edwardian London society parties. He was expected to be outrageous, controversial, and even evil. He gave guests the Devil’s kiss, which involved kissing a hand but biting at it with a specially sharpened tooth, drawing a little blood. A story that may well be apocryphal - At one party, he actually emptied his bowels on the host’s carpet. Far from revolting the host or guests this was seen as an outrageous must have jape. It was seen as good luck to have Crowley take a dump in your house. Crowley was invited to other soirees in the hope and expectation of further such outrageous antics. Many were saddened if he toned down his actions and just behaved himself too impeccably. Of course, there were those who were appalled and shocked. Most of us today would immediately ask someone to leave our property never to return if they did such things, but it is still easy to see good decent people allowing someone in their circle to be unpleasant to someone else in their circle and do nothing to stop it, even coming to expect and encourage it. The aggrieved party, the one dating to say ‘Hey this Crowley guy is quite disgusting’ ends up being the one cast out instead. In the Patrick Ness book and film of A Monster Calls, a boy, alienated by his parents separating, his mother’s terminal illness, and having to live with a fussy Aunt, faces school bullying because of his depression. Eventually, he snaps and tries to fight back. He counter-beats the bully, injuring him severely. His action is not seen as conquering underdog heroics finally fighting back because good always triumphs over evil, but shocking and frightening to his friends who shun him. His desperate attempt to reassert himself backfires and his situation worsens while the aggressor is lauded with sympathy, support and more respect by those who should have helped the real victim more in the first place. Too many aggressors, rude people and outright bullies get a free pass, a Mulligan, and lack of intervention when their behaviour seems just outrageous and those hurt by ot seem to recover or just melt away into the background to lick their wounds quietly. When someone finally gets angry, yells enough is enough!, and hulks out, possibly using over reactive desperate measures like assaulting the aggressor or trying to film him at his worse, or demanding to his champions that he be addressed and taken down or admonished, the ranks close and the victim is squeezed out by the group. The aggressor finds new prey to play with strengthened by having dealt with that wimp who just couldn’t take it and went away, and probably just committed suicide somewhere or other. Who cares anyway…. The least realistic fairy tale message is that of The Emperor’s New Clothes where a boy points out that the Emperor (or King) is just naked and it opens everyone’s eyes to the deception played by the tailor selling invisible cloth. The reality would be that the boy would be hanged from the nearest lamp-post and the people would continue to praise the Emperor’s fashion choices indefinitely. Youtube - Danny Kaye - The King's New Clothes Arthur Chappell