It's Been 6 Months Since My Little Brother Passed, but

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I can't get over it.. I think I'm worse. I'm not able to eat or sleep, and when I force myself to eat after smoking legal stuff, I can't keep it down, despite it being bird food. The world keeps turning, though.. My bills didn't take a break, but I feel broken. The stress of a drummer finding work with no agent is hard enough before this happened. I've been replaced by a drum machine but I've done it for 30 years and spent all my time, money, travels all over the world for. So anything else wouldn't even be an option, although lately I've been allowing myself to be ripped off selling the rest of my collections/possessions (books... car)... I tell myself, "OK, starting tomorrow, no more crying, breaking down, etc" and I just can't. Music is my life.. But when I first tried to write, I realized there was no point. I'm 41, and I don't have the energy to play all the instruments, mix, produce, etc., but it helped when I figured, "Well, if someone is going to listen to this new song, it will probably be my brother".. And then there's the things after, like knowing not a single friend would come over.. It's even more sad that it's been me calling a handful of people. I stopped, because it feels like begging, and when I'm turned down, I think ... if not now, then when? Last week, during moments of panic, I'd call those cousins who "call me anytime".. Of course none of them picked up and none called back, except my cousin's WIFE! Even though I'm living in abject poverty in a horrible city, I'm denied for food stamps, saying they didn't receive my forms, when I have a record. I just don't have the energy, and it was a miracle I attempted that. I guess I can always rationalize with "Who cares? What's the use?" especially because I keep thinking I'm going to die very soon. I even feel it in my dreams, despite not remembering 99% of them. This is the only place I can post this... I did mention it (without being specific) until someone sent me a PM from another site, focused on art. She gave me her number, and told me to call, and what times were good, and she didn't pick up the phone call, or even acknowledge the e-mail telling her I called (in case she didn't recognize the area code, despite giving her my #).. That's the worst. In a moment, you think "Well, maybe" and then give out your vulnerability (and number) and then not having the decency to follow up? Why mention it in the first place? That's the curse/blessing of the internet. You can be anonymous, and it's not against the rules for someone to ignore another, but I don't think it makes it right. Not that I have alternatives, but I feel free and not self-conscious typing this here. If I forget to come back and reply, it's because I'm forgetting everything, and the one thing I had/have is a great memory. I don't ignore people, but sometimes I just can't do things, no matter how simple they seem.... It's probably a good thing I have fakebook turned off because I'm the type who can damn everyone to hell in a moment of rage. The only dream I remember is going to my parents' house and telling everyone to get the f out, which is what I believe (after I woke up) to be my funeral.. I think I told them to leave because I felt they were all phony. When I was alive, you paid no attention to me. Then when my brother dies, my only brother, I'm obviously at the worst and need those people and half couldn't even send an e-mail, message of any kind through another person. Which in a way I don't mind, because I don't like people feeling obligated to do anything, but having more awareness just breaks my heart. And it's so bad I imagine I will never meet a new person again and haven't for quite some time. I'm probably afraid of getting burned again, and avoid getting close, because I know what I know.