Don't Hate me, Please

United States
December 1, 2006 11:49pm CST
My mother is in her final stages of terminal lung cancer, and I am her sole cargiver, and sometimes I get so short, and hateful with her. She has no memory left and doesnt know who I am, due to brain radiation. I live with her, and some days I don't even have time to brush my teeth, as she is totally dependent on me. I promised her I would care for her through this nasty disease, and I love her so much. Do you think she will ever forgive me for being hateful and short with her? Will I ever forgive myself. I lay in bed and cry, I am so overwhelmed at times.
14 people like this
107 responses
• United States
2 Dec 06
honey you are just under alot of stress maybe you should ask someone to come to your house and help out even for just a couple of hours a day so you can get a small break to do the things you need to do for you self and that will also help you from lashing out
6 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
I agree with you so much. Its just that I dont have anyone. My brother helps me out as much as he can. He is on fixed income, and he cant buy gas to come everyday, so he has walked over here 8 miles to help me. I have no car, as it was repo. May god blessyou
1 person likes this
@nana45 (21)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Ok, here goes, most of what you are feeling is the pain, the pain of losing your mother! I know because 2 years ago this month I also was in your shoes,the anger is because there is nothing you can do to combat this hideous disease! I also would feel like losing it, but never did, how I don't know. But afterwords, after my mother passed on to blessed better life, then I lost it. Even now, I may go to cemetary and just stand there and cry, but then I may also rant and rave about her leaving, not only me but her grandchildren. It will get better I promise you! It may take some time but you too will survive! Ask your hospice chaplin to see about getting her on medicaid, with terminal illness there is not an income balance, or not where I live anyway. It is worht it to ask all they can do is say no. If you need to talk just pm me will be here for you in your time of need.
5 people like this
• United States
5 Jan 07
Wow, I thought I was going though a tough time with my dad, until I read your posting! Do not feel guilty sweetie, you are doing your best to care for your mom. As for her forgiveness, it is already there, you just cannot see it or feel it. With these awful diseases that affect our loves ones, I've come to learn that they also affect their ways of thinking, and expressing themselves. My dad has Dementia, Alzheimer's, Cancer and other illnesses, and at times, I felt just like you do right now...sometimes I still feel the guilt..nana is right, you're feeling the pain. I live in California, and it sounds like there is not much help out your way....but I too had to go though alot of changes, and I kept getting doors slammed in my face..NO HELP! I finally found help through some social workers I met at the hospital, and now my dad is in a nursing home. It still hurts everytime I go visit him, and I cry everytime, and pray that God will just take my dad and finally let him rest. Don't give up hope honey, try and be strong..write to your Congressman and or your Senator and ask for HELP, afterall that is what their there for. Keep knocking on all the doors you can possibly knock on; if Hopsice is willing to only give your mom 1hr. of help, take it...that will at least give you 1hr. to yourself. Take care of yourself too, your mom would want you to do that. If you need a friend, or just someone to talk to, I can be that person; just send me a message. God bless you and try and stay strong....believe it or not, God will find a way to help you and your mom.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jan 07
Thank you so much for kind response. I wish you the best with your loved one. It is so hard. I have wrote letters, knocked on doors, and even begged for help. I cant even keep her in her diapers and medications. I worry so much. I have let her down. I am 51 years old with no savings, and I am so ashamed for not looking ahead for a rainy day. I have had two people here on my lot donate their earnings to us, and I was so surprised when paypal informed me of this. It was a blessing. God will help us. God Bless and Happy New Year
@Boniswa1 (15)
• South Africa
2 Dec 06
Angel, i salute you. It is not easy putting your life on hold to perform the selfless duty that you are. I believe we choose our circumstances before we are born and create contracts with the people that we connect with during our earthly life. Your mother specificly chose you, because she knew that you would take better care of her than anybody else on this earth due to your love for her. Blessed are you. Tonight i will light a candle for you and say a prayer.
5 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind response. The say God will not put more on your shoulders than he thinks you can bare. How true that is.
2 people like this
@lucy02 (5017)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Oh hun, you are doing the best you can. Of course she will forgive you. You're taking care of her and if that's not love i don't know what is. I get really upset at my mom sometimes and say mean things too. I suffer from depression so it makes me easily irritated if I don't take my meds. Could you be suffering from depression? Even if you're not, you're probably under a lot of stress. Try to get someone to sit with her at least once a week so you can have some time to get out. Take care of yourself as much as you can. I'll be praying for you too. javascript:__doPostBack('ctl00$cphMainContent$lbStart','') post response.
4 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your reply. I am depressed, stressed, and scared out of my skin with this journey into cancer. It is something I would not wish on any one. May God Bless you
1 person likes this
• India
2 Dec 06
hey man u hav com to know ur fault and u have already been forgiven since u know ur mistak be col
3 people like this
• Canada
3 Dec 06
i think you mother probably really appreciates what you do and probably does or will understand that you care. the fact that you have stuck by her and have not just put her in a home shows her that you really care. i think you are a magnificant person for all the hard work and care that you are giving your mother i just wish there were more people in the world whoi care as much
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind and caring response. It means a lot to me, God Bless
@pitstop (9265)
• India
3 Dec 06
Ann - what matters is that you truly love her and are doing your best. You are doing your best and I'm sure your Mom inspite of her condition understands it. I'm sure she doesnt want you to feel guilty about it. We're all human and emotions like what you describe are quite normal especially in situations like what you are in. I really cant give you practical suggestions except to encourage you to hang on and keep loving your mom - God and your Mom Will honor you for how much you mean to here. The amount of patience and love you show now are actually way beyond what most people could give. God Bless You!
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind response. I feel that I am the lucky one. I have a wonderful mother, who I love, and that I am in fair health to be here for her. God Bless
@krankies (811)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I lost my mother in law 5 weeks ago to after a year of cancer treatments. You are very strong person to have gone this far. The anger you fell is normal release of felling helpless. Very few people would have lasted this long you are your mom's angel. God Bless you. Stay strong.
• United States
3 Dec 06
I am so sorry for your loss. I only hope that I can hang in there. I have to, for my beloved mother. God Bless you and your family
@profclark (512)
• United States
3 Dec 06
Love, she will forgive you, and continue reaching out for help and being heard. I know you are overwhelmed; true love is often overwhelming. I hope the prayers that you generate by sharing your story will sustain you. You have mine, and your care for your mother is appreciated. God Bless You.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind reply. May God Bless you
@rakinitin (686)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
Guilt can be a nasty monster. How can you possibly think that your mother would not forgive you. It is really tough for you now. You are going through so much. Perhaps you could talk with a support group online at Yahoo. The woman you take care of daily is not the same person you once knew. Stop punishing yourself for loving your mother as much as you do.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your response. Guilt can eat you alive just as cancer does. Our closest support group is 35 miles one way from our rural area. I dont have a car now due to repo, so my support is being able to talk with my wonderful friends here on mylots. God Bless
@caramello (4381)
• Australia
3 Dec 06
Probably all your mother will remember is the care you are giving her at this time, and she will understand what you are going through, not only the fatigue but the fact of losing someone you love. Lots of mixed emotions are happening to you at the moment, don't be so hard on yourself, what you are doing is not easy, I have nursed for many years and I could walk out and go home after a shift, you are there 24/7, not so easy! I wish you well!
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for understanding, and your kind response.
• Canada
3 Dec 06
So sad to know.
2 people like this
@chiyosan (30202)
• Philippines
3 Dec 06
there are really times that we can no longer hold on and continue what we are doing due to stress we get angry, we get tired. im sure your mom will understand you at how you are suffering too because of her. but dont ever let her see how much you are hurting, im sure you'll get through this.
2 people like this
@kakuemmom (862)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
No hate here only caring. I am wondering if you have an agency in your area that helps family that care for the aged and ill. They come and get the elderly or ill person if they are able to go out and take care of them for a few hours so that you can have a break. And if the elderly person is not able to go out they come in a babysit i guess you could say so that you can get a little time for yourself. You should check into this through the hospital and sometimes your local goverment offers these programs most free of charge or a samll fee. Plz look into this you need a break. Good luck to you and i will pray for u and your mom
@moneytree (188)
• India
3 Dec 06
Yes she will definately forgive you cause she is your mother, i know it gets a little difficult to cope up with bad times when our family members are in distress it is this distress that we hate to see comming on to them and here you cant even help it and just have to watch. It hurts all of us when we see our loved one in such conditions that we loose our temper. I think you should stop getting angry and start living a new life just for her. Show her happiness love peace and forget what she says or does cause its not her really doing it its the disease. Stop wasting your time crying and feeling bad about yourself its no use. Just start living with her with a smile and i assure my prayers will definately be with you and your mom for a sppedy recovery. Tace Care, Regards, Clement.
2 people like this
• Canada
29 Dec 06
Missyann, I hear you and I understand. I was the primary caregiver to my mom, as well, when she had a rare cancer of the salivary gland. She only entered the hospital about 36 hours before she passed away. She was in such intense pain that my sister and I could not keep her at home any longer. The doctors and nurses were stunned that she had been receiving home care for all of her illness and that she was in the best shape she could have been in when we admitted her to the hospital. That was the hardest time of my life, as it is yours. Being "short" or "hateful" (only to use your words) is about many more emotions than those. You are sad, angry, hurt and mad as hell at the fact that your mom (whom you clearly love) has a terminal illness. I do know how that feels. Many days, my mom yelled at me and was downright nasty when I was trying to feed her or change her dressings. At the time, I got mad at her and thought "Doesn't she KNOW how hard this is?" or "Doesn't she understand I'm TRYING my best and she is hurting me in return?" But, missyann, it wasn't about any of that. She was in pain and doing everything she could to fight it. You are in pain too and your reactions are a response to emotional pain. As was well-explained a few posts back, you are burning out, I agree! If you can get some help to ease your burdens, it will also ease your pain. We eventually got an in-home nurse to visit us and she did wonders in terms of providing me with all the medical supplies I needed (that helped the financial burden), getting us a loaned hospital bed, etc. There are resources for you, too, not just for your mom. I hope you'll take advantage of whatever you can. But the thing I wanted to tell you most is... you do not need to be forgiven... your mother knows that you love her and, in spite of her present condition, I like to believe for you that she somehow knows you are there and knows that you, too, are doing your very best. Take good care of yourself.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Dec 06
I hope I can reply, as I am crying so hard. Everything you say is true. I am so trying to do the best that I can. I wish I could mark your response as #1, because let me tell you, it hit home, and it hit home hard. Its all I can do to keep my mother in diapers and the few things that she needs. she make 12.00 a month to much to be eligable for state help. we are getting by paying all bill on 655.00 a month. I have just about stopped eating, so I can keep her in her fruit and puddings. I have to do what I have to do to keep her alive. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. When you loose a mother, I think it will be a void that can never be filled. God Bless and Happy new Year
• Canada
29 Dec 06
If there is one thing I've learned, it's that there are always people somewhere that understand. I know that you don't know me and I don't know you but sometimes those are the kind of people that can be the most help. People who are outside of the family, the circle of friends and the situation that you find yourself in. People who can listen to you, not judge you, and actually let you empty your heart of the things that cause you pain. I don't want to sound preachy, missyann, but please don't sacrifice your health for your mother's. I got so rundown caring for my mom that I did get sick at one point. All that accomplished was that it took me away from her until I could be sure that I wasn't going to make her health even worse - and I had to leave my sister to do everything alone for almost a week. It was a bad time as she was not able to handle changing dressings, hygiene issues, etc. You have to eat in order to keep your strength up and stay well. I understand that you are having a hard time with the money and I'm really hoping that there is some kind of service or agency that could help you. Can you speak with your mother's doctors, the hospital, a pastor, anyone that might know of such assistance? I really encourage you not to be afraid to ask anyone and everyone. At first, I took it as a personal failure if I asked for help. Then, I learned that it was for my mom's benefit as much as my own. You are a kind soul, missyann, to extend wishes and blessings to me at a time when you are going through so much. I wish the same for you and more.
@kaspyv (1011)
• United States
3 Dec 06
just do the best you can do and yes you will be forgiven ...I went through 3 years of the same kind of things with my late husband...caring for him 24/7 and taking everything he said to me without letting it get to me..he had liver failure and when the toxins built up in his body he had no idea of what he was saying or doing, which was most of the time. sometimes he was so mean to me and I just had to focus on taking care of him and do the best I could.The last 3 months of his life were the worst but some how I managed to get through it all...someone told me "If the good Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it" I just kept telling myself that every time I felt like crying and felt so helpless...He did bring me through it and He will you too! my prayers are with you....
• United States
3 Dec 06
your both such beautiful people. and thanx for that quote. my prayers are with both of you.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your caring response. I amso sorry for your loss. May God Bless you and your family
• United States
3 Dec 06
I just lost my mother to advanced stages of lung cancer...all I can really say to you is I've been there..I've looked at my mother at times like "why can't you get up and do it yourself" but now that she is gone, its like "what do i do now? I promised my mother that I would be there for her to the very end and I was..She already forgave you for anyway you were being with her..now you have to pray and forgive yourself..You are only human and sometimes we just get overwhelmed...
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind response. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. Please be strong, and treasure your memories. May God Bless You
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind response. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother. Please be strong, and treasure your memories. May God Bless You
• United States
2 Dec 06
First thing I am going to do is give you some practical advise. Call Social Services and ask about respite care! Do this immediately Monday morning. Being a caregiver is a heavy load, it consumes you leaving nothing left behind. You have to have some time for yourself, to read, shop, visit with friends, or to just be alone with nothing to do. Of course you are becoming short with her...of course you are overwhelmed. Who wouldn't be? Once you have created some space for yourself by getting respite care to give yourself a break, you can then perhaps talk with your mother...or rather to her...say what you need to say, maybe that way you can find forgiveness for yourself, as I am sure she has already forgiven you. Please, if Social Services has no resources for you, call a church, call every church, the Salvation Army. Call everyone and anyone who may help you find the help you need. This burden is too heavy for one person to carry 24/7. You aren't a bad child, only one who has too much responsibility for any child.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 06
I should have added contact Social Security office they have resources available that might help you. Forgive my lapse.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Thank you for your response. I have called the salvation army, no one to help with relief. They have paid our light bill once, thank goodness, as mother is on oxygen, I have gone through social service at the local hospital, and all they offered was hospice. I promised my mother I would not bring hospice in till the very end, and maybe not then. I have to keep my promises to her. She never let me down, and I cant let her down. I will check into the respite care, with our local agency. God Bless and thank you
• United States
30 Dec 06
We all come to a point where we cant take it anymore,so just relax and start taking better care of your mother,and know i wont hate you,i am sorry about what your going through and good luck.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Dec 06
Thank you for your kind response