I don't have a lot of friends and I'm ok with that

@sissy15 (12269)
United States
February 24, 2024 8:22am CST
I don't have a lot of friends. It's just a statement but it's true. I don't have many friends in part because I don't connect to a lot of people. Perhaps it's my social awkwardness and the fact that I don't enjoy conversations with random people. I don't connect to a lot of people and I don't enjoy putting myself out there to make friends but when I do connect to people I often have friends for life, sure I don't have a ton of them but the ones I have are people that I feel I can trust. Trust isn't something I hand out very easily. I have lost a few friends over the years because we grew apart usually more because of them than me because I'm a pretty loyal person and I would have continued to be there for them if they needed me and often I'm more loyal than I probably should be but I get it people move in different directions. I have learned to accept that this is how life works. I still have two friends I stay in contact with that I don't see or talk to super often but when we hang out it's almost like it was back in the earlier days of our friendship. My one friend I've known since kindergarten which is something a lot of people can't say of their friends. The other I met in high school. We all have busy lives and I understand we can't stay in touch like we once did but we still talk and I'm grateful for them. I just saw one of them last weekend when I went to Dayton and the other I last saw a couple of months ago when I met them for dinner. Friendship is different for me than it is for some people. I don't make friends easily and I don't consider everyone I like my friend. I like a lot of people but don't consider them my friends. I can hold a lot of respect and genuine appreciation for someone and not see them as my friend. I love the people I work with but they are not my friends. I don't hang out with them outside of work. I don't talk to them outside of work. They're amazing people but just not people I have the desire to talk to much outside of work. I'll see them in passing here and there and say hi and I have them on FB but that's pretty much where everything ends. They aren't people I confide in nor am I someone they confide in. I know I'm difficult to truly know, which is part of why I don't have many friends but when I trust you I really trust you. I don't give parts of myself easily but once I do I'm loyal almost to a fault. I'd do anything in my power for those I care about until they prove to me they don't deserve my loyalty. I'm socially awkward and know most of my own faults but I also know I'm funny, easygoing, kind, and loyal. I'm a pretty understanding person and work daily on becoming a better version of myself. I'm not necessarily where I would want to be as a person but it's something I continually work on. I don't ask much of people. I know I come off as weird because of the way I interact with others because once again I'm socially awkward and because I am pretty guarded. If I feel even an inkling I'm not wanted I will sense it and depart and not make a big deal over it because I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea just as not everyone is mine. I don't take it too personally. I know I'm hard to get to know and even harder to understand but that doesn't mean I don't think I'm worth knowing. I am guarded and I value true friendship and I think that's part of why I don't make them easily. I value real conversations rather than just small talk. I don't enjoy awkward situations where people are trying to force a conversation. My thoughts can go pretty deep and I seldom talk about the stuff I talk about on here with anyone, partly because I guess it just doesn't come up. My brain goes a million miles a minute and I can only talk about so much of it. Friendships don't come easily to me but I definitely understand the value of them which again I think is why I don't have many. I've learned to be content with this for the most part. There are definitely days I wish I had more friends but most of the time I'm happy with who I have and what I have. My socially awkward self doesn't enjoy small talk and I hate that things come out of my mouth that make me sound stupid at times. I can't control it and I tend to avoid a lot of conversations because of it. Those who know me learn to love my randomness. I have learned in life if you can't like who you are others will never like you and I do like myself as a whole. I don't always enjoy certain things about myself but I like who I am. I don't make a ton of friends but that's not my personality and I am ok with that. If I'm being honest I don't even like being around people a lot of the time and it's hard to maintain friendships where people want to hang out all the time. That's not me. I value my peace. I have a few friends who are like me and can go a long time without talking and then instantly act like a day hasn't passed when we see each other next and that's why we are still friends. I find a lot of friendships need more than what I'm willing to give of myself and they want to hang out far more than I want to and this is another reason I don't have a ton of friends. I've analyzed the reason a lot as to why I struggle to make friends and came to the realization it's because I enjoy my solitude and low commitment, so until I find more friends who are similar to me I probably won't have many.
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