In a Confusion

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It occurred to me after work that I haven’t spoken to God for some time now. Or maybe I have been, but not consciously. ‘Am I making You happy?’ I ask, and the image of the child narrating the mother about grandma removing that butterfly brooch or bracelet (I don’t remember) in ‘Sixth Sense’, flashed in my mind. Is He listening? I wonder. I was not even looking for an answer, when something very trivial, alerted me, that He is. I use powdered jaggery and coffee for alleviating the tiredness and overpowering sleep that dawns as soon as I return home, from work. The cup, I saw, wasn’t mine, it was my sister’s. Mother always preferred it that way. He had turned my attention to the cup. The next thing that occurred was the thought about visitations of a few friends during summer. I am actually looking forward to attending a marriage in another state. Almost immediately, with the unhappiness that had arisen, a thought popped up to replace the feeling, ‘If You are the One, putting, designing, framing our thoughts, then it is You alone putting thoughts in the minds of the wrongdoers, isn’t it? When I’d asked this question to my friend’s sister yesterday, she said that God will never intervene as long as the force of karma is at work. ‘But it is You who is putting good thoughts in my mind. Then why aren’t You transforming the minds of the killers?’ They say those who meditate, energize their own aura and affect others, far far away from them, all over the world, in a positive way. What positive is happening, when food is engineered in lab to spread another epidemic? or when women and children are not spared from atrocities, or kidnapped, or men are separated from their families? The question that immediately pops up is, ‘Am I happy?’ And then I reply with mixed feelings, ‘I don’t know’. When I am grateful, when I am touched with the feeling of love, I am. When someone chooses not to call, when I realize I’ve hurt someone, or when I see people suffering, I am not. I am not happy when I see someone who has wronged me, suffering, I do not feel happy. So, is it a kind of a fault in which I am giving my attention to? Am confused. It all started with ‘Are You happy with me?’ and what I got is, ‘Am I?’ Pic Courtesy: PixaBay