Guys, help. :/

@Aeval39 (774)
United States
December 2, 2006 1:15pm CST
Pretend for a moment that you have an amazing best friend. He has a girl-friend. It's an online/phone thing, and he's never actually met her. Now, you know that he can do so much better - she used to cut herself, is melodramatic and always complaining about her life, she doesn't care about him as much as he cares about her, and there's some evidence to suggest that she's cheating on him anyway. You tell him how you feel one time, but offer him support even though you disagree with the relationship. Now today your best friend comes up to you and tells you that he's worried because they seem to be growing apart. Part of you knows this is true, and is even happy, but the other part knows that he'll be crushed if the relationship ends. You want to offer support, but you don't want to lie and say he's probably only imagining it. "There are other fish in the sea" doesn't work either. You want to tell him that she's not good for him anyway, but that would hurt him too much. What do you say?
6 people like this
52 responses
@sbeauty (5869)
• United States
2 Dec 06
There's no easy way to tell someone who thinks they're in love that the object of their affection isn't the right person for them. I guess I wouldn't tell him anything. Just say that you know his relationship with this girl will turn out the way it was meant to be and that you're always there to support him whenever he needs it. You can't solve his problem, and he probably is looking to you for reassurance which you can't honestly give. Being a friend doesn't mean having to solve all of your friend's problems. If he's old enough to have a serious relationship, then he's old enough to weather whatever storms may befall him. Don't wreck your friendship by trying to intervene.
3 people like this
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
2 Dec 06
You're right. I'm doing my best to stay out, and I want to offer him support and reassurance, but I refuse to tell him things that I don't believe myself. So I give him a hug instead and tell him I'm sorry, but it makes me feel so useless, like I'm somehow not being a good friend. But I'm not just going to tell him what he wants to hear.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
do you love hiM? as a friend or as a partner?
@vipul20044 (5796)
• India
2 Dec 06
Hey buddy its better to give him hints rather than to spill all the beans in front of him You know, even if she cheats upon him that is gonna hurt for sure He truly loves her and probably he wont believe what you will say So its better for you to suggest him rather than order him to do something And then you know time is the better Watcher as well as moment decider Leave things on it, On your part you can just suggest him He has to do the things on his own Just make him realise that things arent as good as he exepects and someday he might regret
3 people like this
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
2 Dec 06
You're absolutely right. Thanks a lot, you've given me a different approach to this problem. Your comment helped a lot. I just hope I can drop these hints well and not screw everything over.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17850)
• United States
2 Dec 06
It doesn't sound like he is going ot listen to you - regardless of what you say. I would stand by his side and be there to help him out when the relationship ends. If she is as bad as you say she is, he will see the light.
2 people like this
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
2 Dec 06
That's what I've been doing, but I feel so useless. I want to say something, but I don't want to lie to him, or say things that I don't really believe because I feel I'd be doing him an injustice. I hope he will see that light too. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this.
1 person likes this
@rash219 (808)
• United States
27 Dec 06
have you ever heard this saying "You can take a horse to the river side but u cant make the horse drink water from the river"...its the same as a frnd you can only guide him how he proceeds is upto him.......only thing we can do is be there to lend him a hand whn he falls....
• Singapore
3 Dec 06
hmm...it's a dilemma..if im in your situation if he's indeed my best friend, i will tell him the truth and let him see the light. i have one guy good friend who was in the same position once and i was direct with him, outlining all the complete details..and i gave him few days to digest what i said...he chose to break off with her and he's now a much happier person! Good Luck, my friend!
1 person likes this
• Lithuania
3 Dec 06
i have no idea..
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
24 Dec 06
I'm glad that turned out well for you! Thanks for sharing that experience, it encourages me. I need to get over not wanting to hurt his feelings, and just tell him how I see things.
@joshdale08 (2324)
• Philippines
3 Dec 06
oh-oh. talk about fools in love.... anyway, a person in this state of mind wouldn't listen to any advice. now if i was the friend, and he's used to my being nice and agreeable, i'd jolt him awake by being frank for once. but, that's me and you're in a better position to know your friend more.
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
24 Dec 06
That might work, but it'll probably jolt him too much lol. I'm such a wimp, I don't want to upset him. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it!
• India
3 Dec 06
hi, that's what I've been doing, but I feel so useless. I want to say something, but I don't want to lie to him, or say things that I don't really believe because I feel I'd be doing him an injustice. I hope he will see that light too. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this.
1 person likes this
@rms2727 (815)
• India
3 Dec 06
If your friend is really all that keen and the girl is as bad as that, it is definitely needed that they should be apart. it can be a little harsh to tell him outright There this is good for them , but you must do so probably try to put it a bit convincingly and not make it too harsh. if you are a true friend then you have to take the initiative not worring what you may have to face. and above all a short pain now is better than a trouble for a lifetime
1 person likes this
@YoMomma1 (922)
• United States
3 Dec 06
well, i have never been in a similair position myself with a friend however i may be able to offer a bit of insight anyway. Your friend may be insecure, and this girl is showing him attention which takes minimal effort on his part because its online and over the phone. as long as he isnt neglecting his real life resposibilities, then i say let him ride the relationship out till the end.. we never learn from other peoples mistakes or advice..we only learn from our own experiences. much luck to your friend : )
@arman9890 (452)
• India
3 Dec 06
well i think its a very challengin gsituation for the person who needs to support that boy.. Lets take in other way.. If i am in that position i'll take him to some movie which he likes.. Then i would let him enjoy what ever he wants as he is little hurt he may wont but i wil try my best then i will talk about some of my incidents where there was none and are fake.. but i will try to give him some important message which he will understand and not take it personally... This time you should be very patiant as it may cause break up in you relationship... Then i would ask him first what he wants then going through his words i will decide what to do next..
1 person likes this
• India
3 Dec 06
No
• Italy
3 Dec 06
v ery
• Pakistan
3 Dec 06
ok look! u first should hav some first hand knowledge regarding that girl..... otherwise basing on what information would u inform that boy abt that girl....understand? itz vitally important!
@Aeval39 (774)
• United States
24 Dec 06
Very true! Whenever I talk to him about her, I make sure to say that I have no right to be judging her in the first place since I don't know her well, but this is how I feel anyway... and come to think of it, he doesn't know her either, does he.
• India
27 Dec 06
hi my sorts of outdorr games, specially cricket name is mohit, i am 20 year old guy, currently i am in third year pesuing my engineering in electrical and elecronics, i love music and playin all sorts of games i think should tell him the truth if he comes to know in the end that u know all about it and didnt tell him anythink wont he be crushed??? as a friend its ur duty to tell him whats right or wroen and advice him
@ride54toi (406)
• Philippines
25 Dec 06
Just tell the truth. Be there for your best friend. She needs you in moments like this.
• Netherlands
4 Dec 06
If telling him the truth is going to crush him then don't say anything at all just console him. Of course don't lie and say that it is his imagination. Just tell him you are sory to hear that. It could be that he picks up the hint from you not saying anything more than if you had. When it comes to such things men like to believe that they figured things out for themselves and so your non-verbal ques will go along way in helping him in the end. :)
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
unfortunatly if he is so in love with her, which i do not get as they have not met and she sounds nutty, he is not going to listen to a thing you say, you should show him your thread lol and all the repsonses, obviously it will end on it's own just wait and be as supportive as possible
• India
3 Dec 06
IF YOU HAVE SOME EVIDENCE THAT THE GIRL IS CHEATING ON HIM THEN GIVE IT TO SOME THIRD PERSON AND LET HIM DISCLOSE IT TO HIM BECAUSE IF YOU DIRECTLY APPROACH HIM THEN HE MIGHT TAKE YOU IN OTHER WAY ,WHICH WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP SO ITS BETTER TO USE SOME THIRD PARTY HERE.AFTER THIS, LEAVE HIM ALONE FOR SOME TIME. I AM SURE THAT HE WILL REALISE THAT ITS GOOD THAT THE GIRL HAS LEFT HIM.
@lilmissy (481)
• United States
3 Dec 06
i would say "honestly i am not surprised you guys are growing apart and i am sorry that you feel crushed over this but i think your a grat guy and have all the chance to meet a girl who will treat you right ,just give it some time and when your lonely we can always hang out , i know its not the same but you are a sweet guy and deserve better" something like that and bsically what you said
@wilkingh (354)
• United States
3 Dec 06
i think it's best if u just give him hints rather than tell him what u think. what u think may be the best but isn't the best thing to do. It could really ruin him. But if you do ruin him he'll find out later that it was best and his heart can heal. He'll just have to move on. Hopefully he's young and will find more fishes in the sea. So try the hints first and if that doesn't help sit him down and freaking tell it to him in ur words. There are millions of fishes out there..hot ones at that....i had to learn it the hard way too...but it was worth it.
@Metallion (2228)
• United States
3 Dec 06
It just sounds like he is trying to vent. Also remember if he thinks you are just telling him things because you want to date him he will discount the advice you give, knowing it could be for ulterior motives.
@kregink (57)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
You need to get him around other women ... I mean if he's as great a guy as you say, then some girl is bound to show interest. Once he see's that he doesn't have to settle, he'll move on!