It's Friday, Ya Beatniks! (Mylot Exclusive #1930)

Tweet

I don't do this very often, Radio Rangers, but this is an emergency. If you have any spare thoughts and prayers lying around, can you please send them to President Musk? Leon is having the worst year imaginable. He just broke up with his husband ((They were never actually married but they did live together for over a year)). At this juncture, you're probably saying, "Big deal, Sir. People get divorced all the time. What makes Leon special enough to deserve my thoughts and prayers?" Well, it's not just romance, Leon is also striking out in the financial game ((Musk's fortune nosedives $34 billion in a day amid explosive feud with Trump, Article Linked Below)). And his bosses ((He works at Tesler)) are threatening to fire him. As if all that weren't enough, his ex is a low-level civil servant with an abnormally high amount of power. That's why Leon received his draft notice this morning. It came in the form of a singing telegram: ((If you want to sing along, the Key is C Major. The chords for the verse are C - G7 - C - A7)) ############## Oh hey there, champ! Guess what’s in store? Your life as you know it—nope, it’s no more! The government needs you, so pack up your socks! Your comfy existence? It’s going in a box! Say goodbye to sleepin’ in! Say hello to discipline! We’ve got boots and rations too, (But maybe not enough for you!) Training’s fun! Well, sorta! Hope you like the great outdoors! If you cry, well, do it quiet— Morale patrols don’t like uproars! NOW… THE TERMS! Yes, we mean YOU. No, there is no “polite refusal” option. Please bring only two personal items: a comb and a winning attitude (or at least a medium-losing one). ############## It also included a handwritten note that I can't repeat here because it's so crude, obscene, and low-class rude, just like the pedophile who wrote it. To paraphrase, it says: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dearest Leon, Cherish this moment, because it is the last time I will ever screw you. Believe me! You want to go to Mars? Here's your ticket, because you are now a latrine orderly in the Space Force. No hard feelings, have a great life. PS Return my albums promptly, or I will sue you before you finish basic training. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That part about Mars really hurts. Have you ever been to Mars? It is cold, dark, and awash in deadly radiation. There are three deserted outposts that look and smell like bus stations, no people, and just twelve Starbucks on the entire planet. With that in mind, let's go to right now, to see what the Cosmic Universal Anthem Financial Failure Of The Month Club Anthem Financial Failure is for today. ************* Business News world news us news Musk's fortune nosedives $34 billion in a day amid explosive feud with Trump