Stay at home moms...unappreciated?

@triece (111)
United States
December 2, 2006 3:46pm CST
I am a stay at home mother of 3. I love working. Any sort of adult conversation that doesn't involve peek-a-boo is very exciting for me, lol. BUT when I was working, after paying daycare fees, I was only bringing home about $30 a week. I was making $9.50 an hour to start out, which is decent for a teller at Cashland, but it just wasn't worth it. So...here I am. I originally went back to work because hubby would say "who's making the money?" "you get to sit at home all day, while I work." etc. Well...I think that's crap. It is not an easy job to chase after 3 kids all day. I have to clean the same rooms 4 or 5 times, and by the time hubby gets home it looks like I haven't cleaned at all! Unlike him, I don't have set hours, I'm on the job 24/7 until they all move out...so why can't I make him understand that just because I don't get paid, doesn't mean that I'm not a providing member of this family?! I know there has to be a mom or two out there who knows what I'm talking about. What are your thoughts?
38 people like this
223 responses
• United States
2 Dec 06
I know how you feel. My hubby now realizes what I do because I made him take a week of his vacation so that he could watch the kids while I took a much needed trip to see my grandmother. Now he knows why I am always so tired and appreciates everything that I do. Just do something that makes him realize what you do. SAHMs have a very demanding job.
6 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
2 Dec 06
I tried that!! lol. I left hubby alone with them for one entire weekend, thinking he would learn a well deserved lesson...he took them to stay with his mom. *rolls eyes* I think he knows how hard it is for me...I just want him to KNOW first hand so he'll get off my case, lol.
7 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
oh mine would do that when i would leave the kids with him for a day. he would take them to his mom and hang out all day with her. it made me so mad. why do they do that? they find the easy way out. when i left for a week his mother had to work so he couldnt do that. i would tell you to sit down with him and tell him that you do so much and dont feel appreciated but men are stubborn and he would forget by morning.
6 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
2 Dec 06
lol, always running back to mommy. Men *shakes head* I'd love to know what he really thinks on the matter, but as you probably know, he'll nod and smile to anything I say, but I highly doubt it's getting through. It makes me mad too, I don't have anyone to run too when the kids get out of hand, why should he?
7 people like this
@soldenski (2503)
• United States
2 Dec 06
AMEN!!!! I am a stay at home mom, and I take care of my mother who I also provide dialysis for. My house is never clean, my husband does not like my cooking so when he get's home, he cooks, I do laundry once a week. No I do not feel appreciated. I recently told my husband that I was going to get a job, because I love to spend money. I feel bad because my son is going to have to go to day care for about twenty hours a week. I am not going out to get any type job, I want a job with benefits, same schedule every week, off weekends etc. Wish me luck hahaha
6 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
2 Dec 06
woo! good luck!! lol. You're lucky, daycare for 1 shouldn't break your bank. I don't suggest for daycare for 3, it's completely unreasonable unless you're a CEO somewhere. You seem like a real sweetie, I hope everything works out for the best!
6 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
good luck, and i agree daycare for one shouldn't be too bad, the most i ever spent on my son was $150/wk but he was an infant and had to stay the extended hours some days because i was going to college and working 2 jobs, 1 ft &1 pt, his nana would pick him up when she got off work and keep him till I got off work, but just for 2 it is unreasonable, its just easier financially for me to stay at home, especially being Im a student & pregnant too, note i did not say an easier job lol
3 people like this
@divir_vij (1591)
• India
3 Dec 06
oh.. boy.
1 person likes this
@kylesmiles (1911)
• United States
2 Dec 06
Hey there. I don't feel appreciated either. Everytime my husband does do something around the house, he'll get a little mad at me for not saying something to him about it lol... But here I am, "on call" 24/7 and he barely helps. Actually he recently started helping more... but I was alone at taking care of our son for the first 10 months of his life... fun huh?
5 people like this
• United States
2 Dec 06
if my hubby does something like the dishes he gets aggravated if i dont say thank you and i just tell him that he doesnt say thank you evertime i do the dishes and that he just ASSUMES its my job
5 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
2 Dec 06
3 kids and 5 years of marraige later...my hubby has finally STARTED to help, a little...sometimes. BUT he still gives me 'tude if he comes home and the house looks like a hurricane came smashing through. I try to explain to him that I really did clean it...a few times, lol. I just wanna punch him into understanding sometimes.
5 people like this
@aimee750 (1117)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I understand. I used to work five days a week and after I paid the sitter there was hardly anything left. Now I have cut back to working outside the house 3 days a week. And I love staying at home with the kids but it is alot of work. And I prefer not to have to cart the kids to the store with me so I wait until he is home and then tell him to watch the kids so I can go to the store and I get all kinds of grief about being home all day and not getting to the store or getting everything else done. He doesn't understand why I can't always get everything done.
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
OMGOSH! Walmart is multiple kid hell!! Getting three toddlers in and out of cart seats, up and down aisles, and repeat is such a chore. hubby whines if i make him take my oldest to wally world, maybe i should talk him into taking all 3 next time, lol.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
im glad to hear that someone else feels that same way, hubby was telling me that I was the only person that couldnt handle taking my kids grocery shopping alone
1 person likes this
@AndreaM76 (1164)
• United States
3 Dec 06
You have described my life to the exact. I worked till last Oct. we relocated so I lost my trusted and cheap child care provider. It is a huge adjustment to stay at home. I'm still struggling with having to depend soley on him and him dicate all he money since he's the one who earns it. It's horrible to have to ask to spend money. Also, since I have no money to buy him a christmas present I thin he thnks he doesn't have to buy me one! I can't wait till my daughter goes to school in three years. I'm too self reliant for this crap.
4 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
we've finally (after five years of marraige) broken down the money thing so he quits nagging me about spending anything. most recently i sent him to the store because he complained about my spending $107 on groceries, so i decided to give him a go. 3 hours and $250 later the only edible thing i recognized was a pound of hamburger. i should have bought stock in junk food and frozen dinners. after that massacre i've gone back to shopping, and he shuts up about it. lol
2 people like this
@MsBond (45)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
I hear you! I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 7 month old boy, I have often gotten into the bickering of not being an equal provider, but if the shoe was on the other foot the house would look ALOT worse. I tell myself that when the kids are older they'll be appreciative of the memories of baking and crafting together.-PRICELESS-
4 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
i know you're right, and i can't say that i'm complaining about all the extra quality time, it's just that i want him to know that what i do is just as, if not more important than what he does. mothers make homes wherever they are.
2 people like this
@sjpuneet (81)
• India
3 Dec 06
Its a little sad to know your condition But you got to understand one thing. For a successful rrelationship, we need togetherness, the feeling of oneness. You got to understand that its your husband and your children. If you dont work for them who else will do????????? And as far as your hubby is concerned, he must be tired with work. Just speak cool to him and solve your problem. Spend some lusty nights and talk to him
2 people like this
@shooie (4985)
• United States
3 Dec 06
either 19 or someone that has never had kids or stepkids...hmmmmm?
3 people like this
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
when i was 19 i was a mother of 2...lol. just food for thought.
2 people like this
• Lithuania
3 Dec 06
good luck to you! lol
2 people like this
@tammytwo (4300)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I have been a stay at home mom. Tell him to start paying someone for all the services you provide (laundry, cooking, cleaning, babysitting). All of these things that stay at home moms do are real jobs. I used to hate it when people would ask my husband if I worked. Hell yeah, I worked as a stay at home mom of three kids. I even did home daycare when they were home so that I could make some extra cash but still be home with them. I know what you are feeling. Yes, being a mom is a 24/7 job. If I were you, the next time hubby says you don't work, go a week without doing your everyday duties and see how he likes that.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
done that one, lol, he caomplained and whined and fussed, but hey, he should have never said I didn't do anything :) Its kinda tough to go to work with no clean clothes hahaha
1 person likes this
@tammytwo (4300)
• United States
3 Dec 06
True. :)
@CarTyTa (131)
• Romania
3 Dec 06
I don't think stay at home moms are unappreciated because a mother that doesn't work has more time to take care of their kids and do things in the house
2 people like this
@massaj03 (4371)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I don't have that problem at all, I am appreciated. But I know where your coming from there are alot of work at home moms that are not appreciated at all. Or even others saying "oh you don't have a hard job, you sit at home all day" but I just think its funny in a way, cause there are some people tat work at home and make twice as much an hour as some do not working from home..(that makes them comments) so I just look at it as it's their loss, making fun of me don't make their pay or outside from home job any better :)
2 people like this
@sbeauty (5869)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I think most stay-at-home moms suffer from the same problems. I know my daughter is dealing with the same thing. She also has 3 children, and her husband works while she stays home. He thinks she's lazy even though she cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc. as well as watching the children, 2 of which aren't in school. I always tell her to figure out how much her time is worth if she were to hire herself out to do the work she does at home. I think that her husband, and yours, would be astonished at how much they could be paying for the work you do. Of course, men always think it's no problem for women to work full time and then come home and do all the rest of the work, too. They expect us to be super women. And as you said, daycare is prohibitive, especially when you have more than 1 child.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Since you know you are married to an unreasonable, disrespectful character and you do not plan to leave him anytime soon, then concentrate on making your job easier. Money does indeed solve a lot of problems. Do you have any fluff in the budget? Hire someone once a week to do the heavy cleaning or the laundry. TRAIN, your little people. You may not be able to change what his mother did to him but you have all day long to train yours. I know a schedule can be like a bad diet but get on a schedule - a realistic one. The kids are closer to the floor than you are, let them pick stuff up. Let picking up stuff become their job. Convince them that it is one of their missions in life! You'll know that you've gone overboard when they are 15 years old and you call them in the house to pick up the kitchen towel you dropped - lol. Until then, they can be the picker-uppers. Plus picking stuff up all day makes you tired and ready for a nap...hint hint. Yes it takes time to train the kids and you want everything done yesterday so you end up doing it yourself. However, their future happiness depends on the training you provide them today. Do you really want them to grow up to think that a wife is synonymous with slave. Regain some of your time. Regain it minute by minute. If you can regain 2 hours per week, You will now have time for the candle light soak in the bathtub with your favorite rejuvenating scents while the kids are down for a nap. Or, use the time to make a few dollars a day working online while the kids are napping to pay for the housekeeper. Try not to let this guy beat you down mentally. You are worthwhile and with a little creativity, I'm sure you can make your days pleasurable for both you and your family.
2 people like this
@JC1969 (1226)
• United States
28 Dec 06
Well first off, your hubby is very unappreciative of you in general, and maybe he needs to pitch in at home. You didn't make the kids alone. My husband and I share the responsibilities of our home and our children equally. We both love to cook, major house chores are done on a Saturday so he can pitch in, and I never feel over-tasked because of it. My hubby also knows that it is because of his career that my career is on hold at the moment. See he's military, and we are stationed overseas. I am not permitted (host country laws) to work on the economy in my educated field of work, and our base won't hire spouses in the hospital. So, I could take a $6.00 an hour job where I'd be earning to put gas in my car, or I could stay home, take classes and for the first time in ages be a SAHM. Personally, I hate it. I went from a $25.00/hr job to no job--and it sucks because I am the type of person that needs to equally earn in my home. I loved being able to pay the bills and maintain our finances together--partnered with my spouse. My husband, however, would never dream of holding the fact that I am not working at the moment against me, that is just plain rude. Plus he remembers the few times that I carried the financial weight of the whole family. Like you said you are providing a service by upkeeping the family. What you should do is find out what the going rate is for maid service in your area, babysitter, tutor (I am sure you do learning games and such with the kids), nurse, cook, etc...then give him a bill for the 8hr day plus overtime that you put in for all these different careers you carry out at home. Then tell him if he isn't prepared to pay you or someone else to carry out those tasks, then he should lay-off and remember what it takes to run a home. Then let him know that if he doesn't start appreciating you for what you do in the home, you will no longer take care of his things, like his laundry, or making sure he has dinner on the table...jut take care of your kids--see how he likes to come home from work and still have to work by doing his own dishes, laundry, and cooking. I hate hearing about husbands that don't appreciate what wives do at home. I even know wives that work and their husbands still expect them to run the home without them pitching in at all--that is ridiculous and selfish.
• United States
28 Dec 06
Wow! You tell it so good!!! I take my 5 yr old, my 3 yr old, and my 3 month old everywhere I go, alone. It's hard!! My boyfriend and I took them all to the store one night, and he says " we are never all going somewhere like this again, it's too hard ( as he cusses)". I said, "try taking them all everywhere you go ALONE like I do ALL the time!!!" OMG what's with these guys??? Like it's easy for US to do it all and by ourselves, but it's just too hard for them, even when we're right there!!
@engrzia (1020)
• South Korea
3 Dec 06
I do appreciated you dear mom :). and i do respect as well all the moms. Infact the problem is perhaps in ours thinking otherwise i personally feel that duty of ladies being a sister, mother and wife all are MOST important. perhaps more important than a man's role. As mothers are contributing toward making and grooming whole of family. So you should feel proud and comfortable on whatever you are doing at home rather you feel that its waste of time etcetc. I do respect and salute all the ladies. Remember that Home must be yours first priority. Even IF working ladies feel that their work is effecting their due attention towards their home, hubby, children then they should better leave the job. Let the hubby be responsible for money issues :).... Give love to hubby and kids and be a happy WOMAN. ... wishing you a happy life.. ZIA . from pakistan
1 person likes this
@cuddiluk (1523)
• Philippines
3 Dec 06
I salute you men! I hope soon my hubby will understand me. He'll arppreciate what I'm doing for him.
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
i dont think anyone who doesnt do the job realizes how absolutly hard it is to be a stay at home mom, or any parent actually. Why do you think we get mothers and fathers days lol
1 person likes this
@killailla (1301)
• Canada
3 Dec 06
go on vacation make him stay home with kids for one week, even if you just go to a friends for a few days, then it will totally change his perspective
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
I know what you are talking about. I am staying at home right now with my two boys. But I have an interview on Monday to go back to work. I love being home for my boys, but I need some time away. I will be working nights and they will have their dad here at home for them. I don't want to work days, because I want the school to be able to get a holt of me if something happens at school.. My boys are 9 and 12 now..
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
congrats on the interview!! that's awesome, and it is nice to get back out into the real world. my babies are still toddlers, and hubby and i mutually decided i would stay home with them until they were all in school. since i don't have socks on...doing the math tells me that's 5 more years of housewife bliss. you'll see me again someday, i'll be a CEO of some stay at home mom company and we'll all be filthy stinkin rich. lol.
• India
3 Dec 06
ok
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
what? that sure was a useless post, LOL, where are you? in la-la land? LOL!
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 06
Well you could present him with a bill... National average per year for a stay at home mom with 3 preschool age children $134,121..00 http://swz.salary.com/momsalarywizard/htmls/mswl_momcenter.html Working Dad? $71,160.00 Hmmm. Doesn't look like he can afford you does it? LOL!
1 person likes this
@jmcafam (2890)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I think I may have direct hubby to this site.
1 person likes this
@ctraska (103)
• United States
3 Dec 06
I worked for a while, but it just wasn't worth it. At the time, I had two kids. Now that I have 3, there is no way that I would even consider going back to work. I just do odd jobs here and there that I can schedule around my husbands job. It doesn't bring in a lot, but he can't complain that I don't try to earn some money. What bothers me is that he complains that we don't have money when I don't work for a few weeks, but then he complains if I go to work. I keep telling him that he can't have it both ways. Oh well, at least he understands that working a real job just isn't feasible anymore.
1 person likes this
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
how long have you two been married? he can't have his cake and eat it too!! lol. as far as we women have come in this world, and the male brain has yet to catch up... sorry to men who understand!! =*
@rosey2006 (945)
• United States
3 Dec 06
On one of his days off leave him home with the kids. Let him see just how easy it is to take care of the children.
@triece (111)
• United States
3 Dec 06
i tried that, he took a trip to his mom's house, said the kids were a breeze. lol.