Things hallmark cards dont say (jokes)

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What do you think of these? whats your fave? My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the heck was I thinking?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. -------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------ I must ! admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.. .. That you're not here to ruin it for me. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. ********************************************************************* Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think ! it's time you kept your promise. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. ================================================= Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay